Cheating Spouse - To forgive or not?

[dion8et]

I’m shaken by my discovery 2weeks back when my hub of 4years (>15years togetherness) cheated on me. He has been slping in separate room mths ago on the reason that our bed is too squeezy with a cosleeping toddler.

I found photos and msgs that he cheated on me for the past 1y with a SYT(>10years age gap) subordinate at work. The intimacy and how she made him feels “young” again; the activities they had during this courtship, the intimacies etc. I was broken.

Since our firstborn came along, I know it’s impt to keep up with the flame but I am really burnt out being a working mom and rushing chores after the kid is asleep. He works long hours so usually is out early back late, so i’m on my own to manage the kid, household and whatnot. So yes, intimaticies are lacking.

I have to keep a clear mind albeit a broken heart. I confronted him days later and he said he was sorry and wanted to repent. He felt neglected ever since the kid came along and when this SYT joined his company and I guess she was all innocent yet poor thing with a family and financial background that eventually his sympathy to help her slowly develop into feelings over the year, and they progressed in the dark. I saw their chat history and he was one luring and bringing her into this forbidden relationship (she does have doubts at times whether if it is correct etc.) and upon the confrontation when he asks for forgiveness, I requested if he is willing to text this SYT for a clean breakup; he didnt at that point of time, that he fears she will suicide etc. Fast forward: 72hours after the expose he comes saying tt he will text her in front of me (in between he told me he had spoken f2f with her, and she walked away in tears etc.).

Honestly I have my reservation because actions taken after that 3days makes me wonder what conversation they have in between, if things were plotted etc. Obviously there were no response to his msg and that's about it.

Deep within me I am prepared to forgive him, and this 2 wks he is showing more concern towards me and family, chores, and making efforts to return home slightly earlier (previously he stayed almost till really late to claim taxi and send her back; quality time etc.) are making me gg soft. After all, it was a more than a decade of relationship and the emotional attachment to this man is really strong; I gave my all wholeheartedly to him and to uphold our home. I am not financially dependent on him, and I don’t believe in staying together just to give the kid a whole family. This is purely just out of the love I have for this man, kid or no kid.

I am caught in between this emotional attachment, yet I have nothing to build on my trust for him, it’s all based on what he tells me. Part of me is fearful that he will cheat on me again and be more vigilant nx time, and another part of me says just take the leap of faith - out of love. This is such a common yet deep topic, and I really don't know what to do.

[hccheonger]

I am sure his love for you is true and deep. Relationship of more than a decade is important to keep and cherish.

However, it is "quite" common for married guys like us to find fun outside the mundane work and family life. More so when we can find a younger female to shower us with praise, sex, etc.

Just my own opinion: Forgive

[igal]

My bet is that he will cheat again as the temptation is so great. A simple comparison here: SYT@work where he spent more than 3/4 of his waking hours with vs 1/4 at home with "family responsibilities". The odds of him succumbing to the dark side is great.

Now question is if you manage to catch him again, are you willing to close an eye like the olden time woman and keep this marriage? If not, the cycle of forgiveness and betrayal goes on.

Only you will be able to answer these questions yourself, do you love him enough to share him with another woman or does he love you enough to really take up the family responsibilities and forsake man's "natural" desire to fuck around?

[demonhunter]

Forgive and move on

BUT with a warning , if you catch him one more time , you will be hosting a Gang Bang session with the bros here ...

I'm sure he wont .

[hccheonger]

Count me in

Originally Posted by demonhunter

Forgive and move on

BUT with a warning , if you catch him one more time , you will be hosting a Gang Bang session with the bros here ...

I'm sure he wont .

[dion8et]

Originally Posted by hccheonger

I am sure his love for you is true and deep. Relationship of more than a decade is important to keep and cherish.

However, it is "quite" common for married guys like us to find fun outside the mundane work and family life. More so when we can find a younger female to shower us with praise, sex, etc.

Just my own opinion: Forgive

thanks bro for the honest input. it is precisely the duration of our relationship, the ups and downs, that I value it more than anything, that I fail to understand y he doesn't see it this way and if this is just the interim to fill what he is missing out on, were those sweet-nothings and his overflowing care and concern for her I saw on their chat means anything at all?

he confessed throughout this 1y some feelings have developed for this SYT, but he sort out his thoughts and said those were foolish act of his and he decided to "come home".

[dion8et]

Originally Posted by igal

My bet is that he will cheat again as the temptation is so great. A simple comparison here: SYT@work where he spent more than 3/4 of his waking hours with vs 1/4 at home with "family responsibilities". The odds of him succumbing to the dark side is great.

Now question is if you manage to catch him again, are you willing to close an eye like the olden time woman and keep this marriage? If not, the cycle of forgiveness and betrayal goes on.

Only you will be able to answer these questions yourself, do you love him enough to share him with another woman or does he love you enough to really take up the family responsibilities and forsake man's "natural" desire to fuck around?

thanks igal! this was my exact sentiment, afterall who would stand them still working under the same roof. his take was it took him so much to get to where he is today (he recently just got promoted there) and should he moves on, god knows when he can secure any similar paying job in this bad market nowadays. he cannot vouch for her departure too because he cannot do a unfair dismissal over non-work related. but he did 'says' that she has informed that she will be looking out for another job to move on. *shrugs*

I love him enough to forgive his act of foolishness, but I will not condone if he ever gets caught again, there and then out he will go.

[dion8et]

Originally Posted by demonhunter

Forgive and move on

BUT with a warning , if you catch him one more time , you will be hosting a Gang Bang session with the bros here ...

I'm sure he wont .

if I catch him one more time, out he goes and my wings shall soar LOL.

[MoeLanYong]

What doesn't cost him, he will try again. After all, you are so easy to cajole. A little act, a little pretense, and he got you hook, line and sinker. Easy piecey. I assume his fling is still seeing him in the office everyday? What a deal! Fxxking 2 women.

If I were you, I will drag him through hell and back. Not so much for revenge. But for the sheer fact he has to pay a heavy price. Else he will cheat again. I would. Men have poor memory when it comes to pleasuring themselves.

Throw some tantrum, be unreasonable, serve him a lawyer's letter for divorce. Let your lawyer spell out the terms in his face. This is when he realizes shit hits the ceiling - there are consequences for his philandering. He has to move out etc. Then forgive. In short, make him work hard to earn your trust. It is a once-in-a-lifetime olive branch not to be abused or taken for granted. Ever.

Remember to fly your kite properly. Dun pull too hard lest it snaps. Dun let go too easily lest it flies away.....into the arms of another woman. Keep your kite string taut. Good luck sis

[samdiy]

Originally Posted by dion8et

if I catch him one more time, out he goes and my wings shall soar LOL.

Let us soar together lol

[Jessie]

Originally Posted by MoeLanYong

What doesn't cost him, he will try again. After all, you are so easy to cajole. A little act, a little pretense, and he got you hook, line and sinker. Easy piecey. I assume his fling is still seeing him in the office everyday? What a deal! Fxxking 2 women.

If I were you, I will drag him through hell and back. Not so much for revenge. But for the sheer fact he has to pay a heavy price. Else he will cheat again. I would. Men have poor memory when it comes to pleasuring themselves.

Throw some tantrum, be unreasonable, serve him a lawyer's letter for divorce. Let your lawyer spell out the terms in his face. This is when he realizes shit hits the ceiling - there are consequences for his philandering. He has to move out etc. Then forgive. In short, make him work hard to earn your trust. It is a once-in-a-lifetime olive branch not to be abused or taken for granted. Ever.

Remember to fly your kite properly. Dun pull too hard lest it snaps. Dun let go too easily lest it flies away.....into the arms of another woman. Keep your kite string taut. Good luck sis

Why would a man cheat in the 1st place? Making yourself difficult will only pushed him further away when the other competition is so accepting and tolerating.
A woman charm is forgiveness and then can only hope for the man to turn back.

My 2 cents

[Stimsia]

From a man's perspective, he won't change as the temptation is strong... if not the office syt, there may be potentially others一日不忠 白日不用。。
I know one guy who stay with his wife but has a long term fling whom he said he love most....
The heart is no longer there...
Reality is harsh... it's close eye, if not you need to decide what kind of tolerance, for the kid...(btw, the guy i know have no kid)...
Can try marriage counsellor...

[dion8et]

thanks everyone for the kind inputs, it does help to sort my mind abit clearer. yes it hurts so bad seeing he fall into temptation so easily and having know me for so long, he probably knew I am easy to cajole. I am depressed because I read how far and serious he is willing to progressed with her behind my back, to the extend of lying abt work trip so that he can plan their escapade; him setting up a small biz and letting her running it etc., which made me lost it. idk, if its just fling and all and home is still where the heart is, would he not have said all those?

[MoeLanYong]

A fling is a one night stand. Or maybe hot sex for 2 weeks. Just bodily lust and no emotions. But when he has slept with her for 1 year, he grew a relationship. There is love. The same way he loves you. He makes plans for her, including worrying for her suicide (I do read details). Hence I am not surprised he planned to set up a biz for her. He is hiding under the definition of a "fling". It is no longer one.

I can understand you are depressed. I do not accept you should suffer in silence. You are not competing on the same ground as sis Jessie suggested. You are his legally wedded wife. You have legal rights to protect yourself, your child and your family. His affair is not your fault. His explanation you neglected him over your pregnancy is an excuse. You mean to say every woman that births a child should be cheated upon just bec they were not in the mood to pleasure their husbands??

Come on. Don't be silly.

Read the threads here. Most men will tell you he is likely to re-offend. We know. Bec we are guys ourselves.

Forgive, yes. Make him pay a heavy price for his mistake. Else there is no learning. And then work on reconciling both your issues. Anything less becomes your fault for misjudging the situation.

One more thing. We guys. We want the ones that got away. Not treasure the ones we have. I know, its kinda sad. So "making yourself difficult" is not pushing him away. On the contrary, it will pique his interest. In you. Its a male conquest thingy.

[JieJieJiaoWo]

Originally Posted by MoeLanYong

If I were you, I will drag him through hell and back. Not so much for revenge. But for the sheer fact he has to pay a heavy price. Else he will cheat again. I would. Men have poor memory when it comes to pleasuring themselves.

so fierce, but i think you are right.

if he is easily forgiven, he will think that he will be easily forgiven again the next time his sperm rush to his brain. of course it wont be a one time thing. as many male has said, every day eat chicken someday also want to eat pork.

if you love him so much, the best you can do to help him keep eating chicken everyday is to cook the chicken in different ways. of course it isnt fair to push the responsibility of making the chicken onto you alone. discuss how you guys like the chicken and experiment with different ways of making the chicken will help spice up your meals.

another way is to do pot luck with other couples.

chinese got a saying 一次不忠，百次不容, the first time, will decide their next hundred times.

a question to think about, if you were the one who cheated, will he forgive you?