A Farang's trip to Thailand

After separating with my ex-wife of twenty miserable years, I decided to take a vacation, a break from the incessant complaining and lack of appreciation that had defined my married life. Given the choice of between stewing in the wreckage of divorce, dating my best friend's ex-wife, or the reverse evolution of online personals, running away seemed a better choice. So, as I sit on the Bangkok bound United Airways 747, I felt as if despite only flying away from my own reflection I am freeing myself from my own identity.There's no reflection on the Pacific when the pilot announces the International Date Line. The ocean a blank slate as today becomes yesterday and we cross into tomorrow. Its the closest I'll ever get to time travel. I live the idea of going into the future and am already lamenting my imminent return to the past. But when today's gone, where does it go? And where does the big dufus in the red sports jersey think he's going?

He saunters into first class and slides into a leather recliner. He doesn't look the part: shaved head, sailor's earing, neck tattoo, baggy satin shorts and all. A fashion statement so awful repulsive was an understatement. What kind of jersey is that anyway? It sported a big white seven above which says Rooney. The chair groans under his considerable weight as he leans back and pretends to sleep. Damn, it looks good. Maybe I should try it.
A passing flight attendant stops next to him, looks down and waves to someone in the cockpit. She taps his shoulder. "Excuse me, sir." He keeps the charade up, but she doesn't buy it. "Excuse me,sir, I need to ask you to please return to your seat."
He opens his eyes and coos,"C'mon love, I's just getting comfortable."
He's English. Must be a soccer jersey.
"These seats are for paying first-class customers only,sir."
His attitude changes in a flash. "So the lot of me aren't good enough?"
"That's not what I'm saying, sir. It's airline policy..."
"Bullocks! This seat's empty, why can't I sit here?"
"Sir, please calm down, I don't want to make this difficult."
Rooney crosses his arms. "Then piss off, bird. I'm not budging."
"Sir, the other passengers would appreciate it if you lowered your voice and returned to your seat."
"Tell the other passengers to kiss my hairy arse!"
The flight attendant shakes her head and strides toward the cockpit. Rooney settles back into fictitious slumber, victorious for the moment. He's got nerve I'll give him, but the battle is far from over. Reinforcements arrived in the form of the co-pilot. "What seems to be the problem here,sir?"
Rooney reverts to sweet-talk. "No problem guv'nor. Just catching a wee nap."
"Sir, I need you to return to your assigned seat right now."

I have yet to receive any feedback from the brothers here. Do you like my intro, should i continue with this or should I jump right into the action parts? I would like to share my non-sexual experiences along with my flings with the nubile Thai girls but am not sure if anyone is interested.

Can I receive feedback and some encouragement?

[easyeasy]

it's a good change from the usual thing we got around. please do continue. to show you my appreciation. I shall up your rep a bit. cheers

[Ronsee]

that was a very interesting introduction mate. Lets keep it up if you can...looking forward to the juicy part of trip though.

Cheers

[snowwolf79]

Originally Posted by indecisive

I have yet to receive any feedback from the brothers here. Do you like my intro, should i continue with this or should I jump right into the action parts? I would like to share my non-sexual experiences along with my flings with the nubile Thai girls but am not sure if anyone is interested.

Can I receive feedback and some encouragement?

u can jump into it no prob.

thank you Mr easyeasy... I'm very grateful for your encouragement and points. I will continue the story and try to reach the juicy parts as soon as possible.

and it continues...

"I'm not going."
The pilot's eyes widen in disbelief. "I'd advise you to reconsider, sir."
"Or what? You going to boot me off? Huh?"
A hush falls over the plane, heads pop into the aisle to hear the response.
" No sir. What I am going to do is return to the cockpit and do the job I was trained to do. And is Miss Scoot reports to me that we have an unruly passenger on board who refuses to cooperate, that job entails notifying the airport police at our destination. They will also do their job, which means they will most likely detain the troublemaker for questioning, and quite possibly send him back to wherever he came from under police custody. Now id you'll excuse me I need to get back to the cockpit. Enjoy the rest of your flight sir. Miss Scott, please report to me in five minutes."
The pilot walks back to the cockpit and the stewardess the tail. Rooney stays put. He's lost and unless he's incredibly dull, he'll know. After an interminable wait as we peered on, he curls slowly out of leather luxury and strolls back to livestock class. He disappears behind me and I'm sorry to see him go; if nothing else, he was entertaining.
The food carts make the rounds and the anticipation of being fed settles the cabin down. I peel back the pre-fab meal's foil cover and try to figure out what it s. Two rows back, a familiar voice says, "Ello luv. What have we got here then?"
"Would you like a meal sir?"
" It's about fookin' time. What are me choices, bird?"
"Your choices are yes, or no."


As the 747 rocked under a strong turbulence, testament to God's might and whims, I pick up the Thai Customs and Immigration form. Lightning flashed across the clouds as I get to the line that asks: Do you have anything to declare? I do not know. I agreed to deliver this package for the woman who suggested this trip, in exchange for her brother-in-law picking me up at the airport. I could just check the box Nothing to declare, but what if there is something inside like cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana or heroin. Perhaps I was just being paranoid, but the last trip to Singapore and their welcome greeting promising death penalty to traffickers had me worried about monolithic Asian governments.
A little further down, the form says Failure to check items may result in fine or imprisonment. Check "Items to declare" if you are not sure. That would be me so I check the box, but am unable to list the items in the bag as per requested. My Thai phrase book doesn't have anything for:" This bag doesn't belong to me, please do not jail me." I could say "You have the most beautiful eyes" but I doubt flattery would help, so I pieced together grabpow dam Thai puan pee chai norng chai, which I hoped meant black bag Thai friend's brother.

The plane touched down with a slight bump and I made a silent prayer that I'll soon be in a hotel bed. It had been nineteen hours in this claustrophobic flying tube and twenty five since I've slept. I filed into the musty terminal with the crowd and a frowning customs officer beneath a Land of Smiles poster stamps my passport. I am tempted to open the mysterious black bag I am delivering but even if there is something incriminating like heroin, flushing it down the toilet would probably be even worse. I cruised to the Items to Declare line while the rest of the horde jostled for positions in the other lines.
The custom officer is a stern little man with shoulder boards. He watches my lips as I read my pieced-together explanation. His squint says What the heck are you talking about? But his lips say "Open bag."
As I stared at his holstered pistol worriedly he slide the zipper open. Shoes, books, CDs and a coffeemaker in an unopened box. He keeps digging but doesnt find anything of interest, so he pointed to the coffeemaker and asks, "How much cost?"
I guess, "Thirty dollars?"
He gives a hearty laugh and says, " You go now."



I walked through slowly to the lobby entrance into the crowd. People shout for attention and wave signs with names on them. I looked through them for mine and whenever I make eye contact, I'm offered a taxi. I keep on looking for the brother-in-law but keep collecting taxi drivers. They swarm around me until my repeated rejections made it clear as they gave up and moved on to the next bewildered looking arrival.
I stand in the middle of the open lobby so that I can easily be seen. I scan the people leaning against the tinted lobby windows and some look back but none showed any signs of recognition. Apple had said he knows what I looked like so I wait. 10 minutes, 20 minutes.
A woman sporting a bright yellow blazer and matching pumps walks past me and looks me over. I try to ignore her, but she appears at my side and offers a stick of gum. I accept and she asks, "You need taxi?"
I wish I hadn't taken the gum, "No thanks. Someone is picking me up."
She says, "You wait long time, no one come."
"Maybe they're stuck in traffic."
"Maybe she forget? What she look like?"
"It's a man."
Her head jerks back a little and then she smiles. "Oh you like boys?"
"What? No, no, no. I like girls, but a man is supposed to pick me up."
She taps her clipboard. "If he no come, I give you ride, okay?"
"Okay, I'll give him ten more minutes."
"What you name?"
"My name's ***"
She doesn't write it down. She says, "Me Pisamai."
There is no reason I need to know her name, but all I can say is, "Nice to meet you, Pisamee."
"No, no, no not Pisamee, my name is Pisamai. You come Thailand before?"
"First time."
"Me see your hand?"
"Why?"
"Tell fortune."
"You're the great fortune-telling taxi oracle huh?"
She nods knowingly, "Yes yes" takes my hand and traces its liens with her plum coloured fingernails. Some of the people against the window look up to watch. Pisamai says,"Four demons wait for you Thailand. One you already know."
"How can that be? This is my first trip?"
I try to take my hand back but she holds it firmly. "Maybe follow you. Not worry. You safe. Five guardian angel protect you."
"Five? Will that be enough?"
"Enough for anyone. Only need one if you smart." She continues studying my palm with her deep brown eyes. "You want something. You have wish."
"What is it?"
"Me not know. You not know. Not yet." She looks up and releases my hand, her round iris peering into my eyes and I am momentarily dazed by her look. "Your wish be granted, but not right away."
"How do you know that?"
"Me Pisamai. Me know everything. Your hand lucky and you have five angel help you."
"How many angels does Bangkok have?"
"Ha! More that you can count. Bangkok City of Angels."
I wish one would show up now and give me a ride. I ask, "Do you know where a pay phone is?"
She twists her head and smirks, "Why? You call angel?"
"Something like that."
I got to Apple's answering machine and told her to tell the brother-in-law to contact me at my hotel.
"Pisamee, I'm ready to go."
She crosses her arms and glares. "I am Pisamai."
"Opps, sorry." I wonder if my mispronunciation is a bad word in Thai.
She leads me to a service garage and asks "Where you go vacation?"
"Bangkok, then Koh Samet."
"Samet very beautiful," she slips her arm in mine and waves her finger between us. "Me go vacation with you okay?"
I laugh at her joke "Okay, we go."
She doesn't laugh. She's serious. I don't have the heart to break it to her so I pretend to go along with the idea as she scrawls out her name and her number on a piece of paper. "You remember call me?"
I get into the back of the minivan and agreed.
She peers in at me, holding her clipboard tight. Before the driver swings his door shut she asks, "What you call me?"
"Umm, Pisamai?"
"Yes, yes, very good."

[apui]

nice and interesting read bro...

[Ronsee]

So far so good....so its 5 angels against 4 demons? Cant wait for the outcome of this.

Cheers mate...well written

Originally Posted by Ronsee

Cant wait for the outcome of this.

Cheers mate...well written

Thank you Mr Ah Pui for your encouragement, I will continue this story for your entertainment. Next installment is on my trip to the attractions, after which I will begin my narration on my visits to the bars (where the fun begins)

Mr Ronsee, I look forward to your encouragement too

We cruised down the freeway and except for the Thai words on the large billboards, I could hardly tell I'm in another country. When we exited the freeway, then the difference became apparent.
A chicken crosses the road. I have no idea why. I thought it was only a riddle, I didn't know chickens actually crossed roads, least of all in the City of Angels. Perhaps it's running from the woman cooking on the sidewalk.
Boiling pots steam on top of a small cart lit by a single bulb. Foldout chairs sit next to a vacant lot fenced with barbed wire. Our progress is lit only by the glistening of headlights off the rain-slicked stree. The buildings, three of four story walk-ups are old and crumbling, with peeling paint and boarded up windows. And everywhere, stray dogs: running, sleeping, waiting-for a chicken perhaps?
We swerve through a maze of back streets and wonder if the seemingly random route is leading us to anywhere when the car lurches to a stop and the driver says,"Hotel, sah."
The driver opens my door and the night air envelops me like a hot towel, scented with a complex blend of exhaust fumes, sewer gas, barbecue chicken, garbage and flowers. The rotting air flls my lungs and burns me from inside. Scooters blow clouds of smoke and crackle as they pass. My senses were overloading with unfamiliarity at such an intense level and I quickly stepped into the lobby to check in.

The next day started with a hearty meal of breakfast buffett, a mix of familiarity and unknown consisting of scrambled eggs, fried tomatoes, steamed ham and bologna, Thai veggie-and-meat curry, corn flakes and mysterious green goop. I have seconds and then thirds; the goop isn't bad.

Full and out of excuses to remain in the familiar comfort of the hotel, I stepped into the day's liquid fire from the arctic cold lobby. As I passed the encampments of sidewalk vendors huddling under makeshift shelters, a scruffy punk stood up from his gang of cigarette puffing friends and blocked my path. I sensed hostility but instead his face lights up in a wide smile. "You need taxi, sah?"
"Uhh, no thanks, I'm going to walk."
"Taxi better, sah, where you go?"
"The Grand Palace."
"Is very far. I take you."
He continued his sale," We go tuk-tuk, sah, very fast."
I walk away, puzzled by the unrecognizable food the street vendors display on their grills, smiling hopefully as I stroll by. A legless man appears, dragging his belly down the sidewalk, pushing his alms bowl forward with the top of his head. I drop a couple of dollars in but am more astounded by the collective apathy of those around him than his profuse thanking.
An attractive woman's calves capture my attention but her hand confuses me. Its attached to another farang, an elderly bald fat white man. I've seen older man with young women but this is ridiculous. He must be forty years her senior. They make a very odd couple. If its a monetary relationship they make no effort to conceal the arrangement. They seem genuinely hapy, teasing and laughing like teenagers. My life was like that, once upon a time I think.
Noone pays them any notice, until a western couple walking in the other direction appears. I've never seen them before but I know them: wife out shopping with husband in tow. My life was like that too, being that shopping dummy which was mind-numbingly bored. And for the first time I'm happy to be divorced. Well, almost divorced.
Hubby sees the babe first but only this eyeballs move discreetly, scanning her from top to bottom, like a trapped animal seeing food just out of reach. Wife looks at their joined hands and seethes, "That's disgusting." She slaps his shoulder. "Did you see that?"
He feigns ignorance. "See what?"
She motions to the departing couple, either oblivious or perhaps just expert at ignoring their unwanted attention. "It's disgusting." She stares at her husband, coercing an answer.
He wisely echoes,"Yeah, disgusting."


I came to a junction and waited to cross the road. The traffic light changes, but the traffic doesnt stop. I put a foot cautiously foward, but leaps back immediately as a car speeds past. The signal changes again and again while I remained firmly stuck to the sidewalk. Perhaps the chicken crossed the road because it could.
An attractive young woman wearing a smart suit appear next to me. Now I have to cross, traffic or no traffic, fear or no fear. I've got to look cool for the babe, though I suppose I won't look cool if I get run over. The signal changes and I match her stride for stride, wondering how many tourists have died trying to impress girls crossing the street. She steps into a gap between a taxi and a Mercedes. I step into it a millisecond later. Two seconds later, the Benz's bumper ruffles her skirt as she steps onto the curb. She doesn't notice. I quickly jumped onto the curb. Not very cool, but relieved and exhilarated to be alive. She doesn't notice that either.


Reaching Chao Praya River, I noticed a man in a pink shirt who bounced excitedly towards me. "Hello sah, you need boat today? Go Grand Palace, five hundred baht, sah."
Hmm, about then dollars, seems a little steep but what do I know about boat fares here? I follow him down a flank to a hybrid tugboat/golf card painted in every colour in complete randomness, driven by a toothless old woman. I didn't know what I was expecting but this certainly wasn't it. The boat groaned under my weight and started, bobbing in the waves and hardly outpacing the oncoming current throughout the journey. After an interminable journey, we reached. The passengers hanging off the side of an overcrowded boat smile at me. The fishermen tending their nets smile at me. The poepl I pass on the way smile at me. Perhaps they think I'm someone important, to have arrived on my own private boat. I smile back with the benenolence of a king to his loyal subjects.

[justl00king]

Very nice...pls continue.

[easyeasy]

bro indecisive, very nice writing, hope you continue more. if you dun mind I would also like you to briefly share your marriage life story with me and how you break yourself free and live life new again. now thailand, whats next? hope everything in life falls nicely into place for you from now on. good luck and cheers.