How is life after divorce?

[myst]

Hi bros, just wondering for those of you who divorced, it must have been painful but how is life after that? Especially when children is involved? Any way to ensure the children don't get hurt?

I am potentially in such a position. I am really worried for my children when we split up.

Unfortunately there is no way for me to convince my wife otherwise. She is a very strong willed and stubborn woman.

The worst part is she betrayed me all these while during our 10+ years of marriage.

I find it all very sad. I am willing to forgive her but she finds our relationship suffocating.

Regardless life goes on. Just want to hear from bros some advice and support.

In terms of divorce proceeding, she has already seen a lawyer. I intend to file for adultery with evidence and fighting custody for the children. I also intend to sue the 3rd party for destroying my family. Any idea how long drawn is this going to be and is it going to be expensive?

[jameswood]

Bro,i am sad to hear abt ur plight,hope u get the custody for two children.

[people power]

Bro my sympathies with you ... it just shows that women are just as likely to steal eat . Though I am not a divorcee, your experience get me wondering what I will do if I get caught cheonging and my OC wants a divorce

Hope you get whatever you want ..

[SDMM]

Originally Posted by myst

Hi bros, just wondering for those of you who divorced, it must have been painful but how is life after that? Especially when children is involved? Any way to ensure the children don't get hurt?

I am potentially in such a position. I am really worried for my children when we split up.

Unfortunately there is no way for me to convince my wife otherwise. She is a very strong willed and stubborn woman.

The worst part is she betrayed me all these while during our 10+ years of marriage.

I find it all very sad. I am willing to forgive her but she finds our relationship suffocating.

Regardless life goes on. Just want to hear from bros some advice and support.

In terms of divorce proceeding, she has already seen a lawyer. I intend to file for adultery with evidence and fighting custody for the children. I also intend to sue the 3rd party for destroying my family. Any idea how long drawn is this going to be and is it going to be expensive?

In a divorce, there is no way to shelter the children from getting hurt. Life goes on.
Since the reason for divorce is betrayal, there is no point carrying on this relationship. Now is the time to take action to protect yourself. Make sure you get a good lawyer to protect your assets
As for suing the 3rd party, dont think you can do that under Spore law.
As for duration, I think there is a 3 year required separation before final divorce. May be brought forward if there is clear evidence of adultery.

[SDMM]

Originally Posted by people power

Bro my sympathies with you ... it just shows that women are just as likely to steal eat . Though I am not a divorcee, your experience get me wondering what I will do if I get caught cheonging and my OC wants a divorce

Hope you get whatever you want ..

Than stop cheonging loh

[louis2002]

[QUOTE=myst;2619987]........Unfortunately there is no way for me to convince my wife otherwise. She is a very strong willed and stubborn woman.

The worst part is she betrayed me all these while during our 10+ years of marriage...........

I find it all very sad. I am willing to forgive her but she finds our relationship suffocating........QUOTE]

Feel real sorry for you bro......
Wish you luck in the battle for your children custody....

[longwinter]

After reading ur bad encounter, this is the 1st thing l wan to tell u, bro

You must really win the customdy of ur children. l dun tink the guy and ur wife will really treat them good. Ur children definitely will be in misery if they are in the care of ur wife and the guy.

Really sorrie to heard abt ur bad encounter, l guess u must be feeling very down and bad. Try to relax urself and dun tink so much for the period.

[carol888]

Be strong..and work hard for your kids..

[colins]

life after a divorce depends on your current life now. Its the difference in both before/after lifestyles that causes you to wonder if your decision is correct.

Firstly, you'll definitely feel certain emptiness esp when you are in the house alone, or even when you're out looking at other families. Its time to pick up new habits, for me, it was zigsaw puzzles. Then of cos, if you are in the mood, you will start to realise that you'll be single again. That in itself, is probably the only positive thing in the contex of relationship. No more responsibility, no more care about infidelity, no more looking before your back when you cheong.

Secondly, your kids, if you get them, is going to need new maternal reliance. They need a woman, whether its your mum, sis, auntie, whoever, who is willing to sacrifice their time to take care of them. Settle them down to a new routine as soon as possible and talk to them to open them up. Tell them, carefully of cos, what you're thinking, share with them your emotions and let them understand and accept your decision. Kids grow up very fast during a stage of turmoil, they will afix what you said to their mindset, so be careful what you say so they can take it positively.

Thirdly, your own family and friends. Do stay with them, get into contact with them and let them accompany you. There is no such thing as paiseh with families and close friends. Healing is part and parcel of everyday event, no matter what hurt you suffer, it is going to be the past one fine day.

Lastly, re-plan your future. Your own and your kids. This one, everybody has a different approach, but many take the approach of re-taking whatever they have left off or given up prior to their marriage. Its time to salvage the sacrifices you gave for her.

Be happy that you've given a chance to restart your adult life and leave the someone who has betrayed your love. Get a couple of lawyers to discuss your issues to get a more objective point of view on your rights.

Any time you need beer, you know who to get them with. Be bless bro!

[jackthh]

Bro,

Try not to if you have to, the only person get hurt is your children ........

The children will not be able to take it, as when they grow up, they may think in the way you may not be able to understand them anymore.....

If you can't prove you have a better to take good care of child then you may not have a good chance to let the children to let you take care of......

good luck to you bro and very sad about it....

[knn03]

Bro, Sorry to hear about this...

I am not trying to be mean or anything, but since you are aware now that she has been cheating on you for the past 10 years, you might want to confirm whether the children are indeed yours? You dont stand any chance of winning if they are not yours...

Getting a good lawyer is a must. As for the cost, it will depends on how complicated the whole saga can be (e.g. how much assets to split etc). Prices can range from 2k to easily 15k or above. Good luck. By the way, mine cost $3500.

[<<<SUCHINDA>>>]

Wise man says the 3 best thing that can happen to a man is

1) Strike lottery
2) Gets a promotion at work
3) Wife pass away

Divorce is more or less similar to 3) so pop the champagne & celebrate!!!

[5ag1_Boar]

I'm divorced, with a young son. My ex has Care and Control, but we have Joint Custody. (Get your lawyer to explain the difference, but briefly C&C means he stays with her, and JC means we both must agree on major decisions in his life.) In my case, I'm the one with a third party.

Both my ex and I were very sure we want to minimise affect on our son, so one of the things we did was to see our marriage counsellor to ask for his advice. He also deals with troubled children. He said:
(1) Always present a consistent front when it comes to child discipline and upbringing. I.e. Agree on the rules and both side must stick to them and enforce... e.g. no soft drinks, amount of TV and computer time, etc.
(2) Never fight in front of them.
(3) Be in contact regularly, so the kids don't take advantage of the situation. I.e. lie to either parents to get what they want (e.g. mummy say I can drink coke). Or play the parents against each other (e.g. mummy say this about you).

Another thing is that the younger the child, the easier it is for him/her to adapt and handle. That said, his pre-school teacher feedback that for the first year of our separation/divorce, he was not as lively in school. Only the next year he was back to normal. Teenagers are the most affected, especially early teens.

For us:
(1) The major rules are in place. Sometimes, I let my son have a 'special deal' like secretly let him drink a bit of Coke. But always remind him this is 'special deal and it's secret. Usually as a reward. I comm with my ex once in while to update the rules and guidelines.
(2) We slipped a few times, because still sensitive about some issues. When it happens, one of us will explain to him. Over the long run, we get better. Also we are determined to remain friends or at least cordial for his sake. Both of us are very forgiving by nature, although this is taking a much longer time.
(3) We constantly in comm. At least once or twice a month. Important thing is to let your child/children know that you will confirm things that they tell us. E.g. At around 4 y.o. (when he learnt he can tell untruths) my son told me he is allowed to do something. I find it's strange, so I say to him, 'Ok, I will ask mummy first.' He will reply (in his innocent way), 'No, don't ask mummy. She will shut her mouth and not say anything'. My wife also does the same thing. From then on, no such things liao.

Trust is important. Trust that both have the children's well-being in mind. Also important that future life partners will not be allowed or try to become the new parent. Daddy is daddy and mummy is mummy. Not the new uncle or auntie. They are guardians at most. (Unless one parent is missing or not playing his/her part.)

Never play the children against the other or other family. Never say bad things about the other. Also be wary of what your family, relatives or friends might say about the other. My ex-MIL keeps saying bad things about me and my mum, but my ex will tell my son that he has to decide for himself whether I'm a good or bad father and whether my mum is a good or bad granny. She also tells her mother off, but to no avail. My son quite good. Even at 4 y.o., if I send him home after school and my ex-MIL is at his home, he will tell me not to go up otherwise she will scold me. He actually does not like her very much.

I chose not to fight for custody because he is closer to her, I think she is a better parent then I am and I didn't want to put him through a acrimonious court battle. (And of course, as the cheater, I will likely lose.)

I am also very lucky, because my ex still believes he should have a good relationship with his biological father, namely me. So I see him 3 times a week.

My worries are that my future life partner will be jealous of my constant communication with my ex, the more-than-normal time with my son, and conflict over how I treat my son and our future children (if any).

I know at this point, your anger and disappointment will fuel your drive to exact retribution, etc, but you have to realise that court battles and legal action will lead to an acrimonious split. Which in turn will affect your future relationship with the ex, the third party (who could be in the picture for a long time) and ultimately the children. It is up to you to see how you and your ex-to-be can balance all these things. For me and my ex, our focus was always my son's well-being.

I do not mean that you should give in, but look to other ways and means to settle amicably. For us, on advice from my sister, we had a cooling off period of a few months before we discussed the terms of the divorce (some legal process still has to go through first, but there is a period of a few months where you can use to negotiate before it gets thrown out for inaction or something like that). Even then, there was lots of anger at the meetings. We even went to counsellors to air our grievances to each other, so we may understand the other's actions, and start the forgiveness process. My sister and her husband were at the negotiations to mediate (it helps that my ex trusted them as reasonable people) and if things got too hot, we walked away and continued of another day. There must be a willingness to give and take on each side.

Everything said, I was the person in the wrong and I am very grateful that despite her anger, my ex was at the end of the day a mature, reasonable and forgiving person.

Good luck, bro. You seem to have the upper hand in your case, and as Uncle Ben said to Peter Parker: "With great power, comes great responsibility."

You can sue the third party, but what will that lead to? You can use that as a bargaining chip to get a better settlement before going to court.

Another thing, lawyers are not emotionally involved, most are quite competitive and aggressive, and take the stance that they must win the case for you. So sometimes the lawyers on either side may not give the best advice in terms of the 'bigger picture'. Control your lawyer, and ask your ex-to-be to control hers too. Not vice-versa.

When looking for lawyer, talk to a few before selecting. Ask them how the ex could possibly win, even the slimmest chance, to gauge how well they know the divorce cases. It is possible, even though very slim, that a wife could prove that the husband's behaviour (extreme verbal or physical abuse) forced her into the arms of another. (Stupid, right?)

If you want to find out more, feel free to PM me.

[smallboi69]

Dear Bro, just some legal advise... There are 3 instance where a divorce no need to have 3 yrs seperation

1. Desertion.... where the one partner MIA for more tham
2. Adultery.... she wont be able to claim any single cent from you...
3. Unreasonable behaviour... cases like battery, abuse, stealing, drunk...

[ol'coyote]

Originally Posted by sagiboar

I'm divorced, with a young son. My ex has Care and Control, but we have Joint Custody. (Get your lawyer to explain the difference, but briefly C&C means he stays with her, and JC means we both must agree on major decisions in his life.) In my case, I'm the one with a third party.
.
.
.
If you want to find out more, feel free to PM me.

wow...tks sagiboar for the write-up...
very informative...even though me not going thru it...