Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[seesaw]

70 things you do not say to a man with a small cock

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. I'm sorry.
4. Never mind, why bother.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don't we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It's more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
11. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
12. It looks like a nightcrawler.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
15. It's OK, we'll work around it.
16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
20. (giggle and point)
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
24. How sweet, you brought incense.
25. This explains your car.
26. You must be a growing boy.
27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
31. Ever hear of Clearasil?
32. All right, a treasure hunt!
33. I didn't know they came that small.
34. Why is God punishing you?
35. At least this won't take long.
36. Let's just stick with your hand.
37. Do you need a splint to prop that up.
38. How interesting.
39. I never saw one like that before.
40. What do you call this?
41. But it still works right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
44. Do you take steroids?
45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
49. Let me know when you're done.
50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
52. Aww, it's hiding.
53. Are you cold?
54. If you get me real drunk first.
55. Is that an optical illusio! n?
56 .. What is that?
57. Does this run in your family?
58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
59. Were you neutered?
60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
61. Does it come with an air pump?
62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
63. Where are the puppet strings?
64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
65. Deep throat???
66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
67. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
68. Do I hang my hat on it?
69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
70. Don't hold back.

[seesaw]

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder" Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.

The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery" Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says "My name is Luke, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for" The group leader says "Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did."

"Ok then. I'm in for fucking dogs." Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "What??!! How LOW can you get!" "Well...I did manage do to a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little", Luke replies.

[bakylotus]

Originally Posted by CNY_OX09

10Q very much to all of you.
make my day a little easier to pass as have a very bad day at work,almost wallop my supervisor.

Easy bro, easy! Here's one to chase your blues away, I hope!





Newly wed girl told mum her husband is still a virgin.

Mom asked, 'How do you know, dear?'

Girl replied, 'Last night when we made love, his cock was
still in a plastic cover'.

[rwx001]

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster - I've got to do something about this!

He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not really for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. To prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over here. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'

Well the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm great. I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'

So the two roosters go over the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -but he's still handing in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slighting in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself.'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

[soundlab]

How Italians Tell Time

http://s193.photobucket.com/albums/z...nsTellTime.flv

[soundlab]

A mother worries that her teenage daughter is having sex and might get
pregnant, so she consults several parenting websites for advice.
Later that evening, as her daughter prepares for a date, the mother
sits down to talk with her.
‘I know you are adult enough to make the right decision about your
body. But I want you to please try to abstain from sex until you're
married. If you must have sex, then please use protection.’
Feeling proud of herself for being so pro-active, the mother hands her
daughter a box of condoms.
The daughter laughs and hugs her mother. ‘Oh Mom! You don't have to
worry about that! I'm dating a girl!’

[soundlab]

A beautiful, well endowed young blonde goes to her local pet store in
search of an exotic pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.
The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes
with complete instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, ‘I'll take one.’
The man packaged the frog and said, ‘Just follow the instructions
carefully.’
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out
the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says
to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise,
nothing happens!
The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.
She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper
it says, ‘If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet
store.’
So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, ‘I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right
over.’
Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The girl welcomes him in and says, ‘See, I've done everything
according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.’
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly
into its eyes and sternly says: ‘Listen to me! I'm only going to show
you how to do this one more time!’

[soundlab]

Four nuns are killed in a car accident and arrive at the Gates of
Heaven.
They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says ‘St Peter, I once saw a man's penis. May I still
enter?’ St Peter replies ‘Wash your eyes in this font of holy water
and proceed.’
The second nun says ‘St Peter, I once touched a man's penis. May I
still enter?’ St Peter replies ‘Wash your hands in this font of holy
water and proceed.’
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns.
The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun.
‘What is going on?’ he asks the fourth nun. ‘I'm trying to go first
so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the front.’

[soundlab]

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one
evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said as he walked up to
her, ‘but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit
20 million dollars.’
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.

[soundlab]

A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, ‘Every flavor ice
cream in the world.’ ‘Bullshit,’ thinks the man and walks in.
‘So you say you have every flavor ice cream in the world? O.K., I
would like three scoops of cunt flavored ice cream please.’ ‘No
problem sir.’
The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and
the man takes a good lick.
Grimacing, he says, ‘This doesn't taste like cunt, it tastes like
shit!’
The assistant replies, ‘Of course it tastes like shit when you take
such long licks!’.

[soundlab]

One day there was two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys
saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out
why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the
bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in
the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after
his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady
I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran. "

[soundlab]

One Stone, the young American Indian was born with only one testicle. Thus his name.

All his life, One Stone hated his name. When he became a man, he declared that One Stone was no longer his name.
He swore an oath that he would kill the next person who called him One Stone.

Yellow Bird did not hear him say this, for she was out gathering berries.
When she came in to the village, he walked up to help her carry her basket. "Thank you One Stone" she said.
That was it. One Stone grabbed Yellow Bird and drag her out into the woods.
Once they were out of sight, he made love to her nonstop for three days straight. Yellow Bird could not handle this passionate marathon, and died from sheer exhaustion.
He then brought her body back to the village for all to see. "This is what will happen to all who call me One Stone!!!"

For the next year, everyone was very careful not to call him One Stone.
They did not want to end up like Yellow Bird.

One day his childhood friend, Singing Bird, came back to the village from the white man's school.
She had not seen her friend for years and was very excited when she did. "Oh my, what a strong warrior you have become, One Stone!!"
He then dragged her into his tepee. Then he ripped off her clothes and proceeded to make love to her.
This went on for one, two, three, four, and finally five days. But Singing Bird would not die. She wanted more, but One Stone could not go any longer.

So what's the moral to the story?

No matter what they say, you can't kill two birds with One Stone.

[rwx001]

Whats the definition of love, true love and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

[rwx001]

What's an Australian kiss?

The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!

[rwx001]

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

"It might take me a while to get hard, I just got layed last night."