Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Ruffles]

Accident at a railroad crossing

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

“Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. “You did superbly under cross-examination.”

“Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.”

“How's that?” the lawyer asked.

“I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!”

[Ruffles]

High Birth Rate

A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the
sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began
designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back
to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

[Ruffles]

Eye Laugh

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride, from Dayton, Ohio, to Washington, DC.

A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each grandson a bag.

The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?" replied the curious brother "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

[Ruffles]

Some System

Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, MY sister arrived by train so that she could help with the house and kids over the weekend while my wife was gone. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train 10 minutes before my wife arrived.

One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.

"Mister," he said, "you sure have some system going! But one of these days you're goin' to get caught!"

[Cum_Luver]

keep sharing all the nice and good jokes.
well done,bros here.

[bakylotus]

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing
an old family bible to her brother in another part
of the country.

'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the
postal clerk.

'Only the Ten Commandments', replied the lady.

[yogi_b]

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled 'what perfect headlights'. Then you felt my thighs and murmured 'what a smooth finish'".

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, who the hell left the garage door open!?"

[yogi_b]

A professor at Texas A&M University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost?" About 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no-one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So Abdul, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost!" Abdul replied, "Ah sorry. From way back there, I thought you said 'goats'!"

[grandmaester]

To light up your day.

[Roman city]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Does your wife ever do it doggy style?” asked the one. “Well… not exactly.” his friend replied, “She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.”

“Oh, I see, so she’s kinky eh?” he asked curiously. “Well… not exactly… I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.”

[soundlab]

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts
talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts
trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:
1 A salt shaker,
2 A shot of Baileys,
3 A shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
‘First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the
shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the
lime juice.’
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth........smooth,
rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles.....
3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency
hits.....
4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
Jesus what do you call that drink?'
She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'

[soundlab]

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The
teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange,
and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically
asked, ‘What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your
life?’
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, ‘Got drunk once and
had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.’

[splicer]

thanks everyone for sharing such nice jokes here.

[~oyster~]

Breakfast is Kicking

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

'Not yet momma,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?

[~oyster~]

No more floppy lips

A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept asecret, and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him. 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose?' she asked. 'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'