Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[seesaw]

Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

[seesaw]

A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex.

The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job.

"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.

"Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over.

She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over.

The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes.

"Easy as that", he says.

"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.

"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"

Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30.

Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).

He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.

Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.

Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says...

"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"

[roastduck]

See how it feels!!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband bursts into the kitchen. "Careful ...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh NO! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh NO! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!

Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forge to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted you to see how it feels when I'm driving with you in the ******* car."

[roastduck]

Don't worry

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."

The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left.

A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "You idiot, I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"

[roastduck]

Chinese proverbs

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War not determine who right, war determine who left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.

[roastduck]

Words and phrases women use

"Fine"
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

"Five Minutes"
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

"Nothing"
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

"Go Ahead"
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

"Loud Sigh"
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

"That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

"Thanks"
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

[roastduck]

Men are like.....

Men are like bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like the weather.
Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like blenders.
You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like department stores.
Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like government bonds.
They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not very bright

[roastduck]

Breast awareness

Finally, something other than smiley faces....

Perfect breasts
(o)(o)

Fake silicone breasts
( + )( + )

Perky breasts
(*)(*)

Big nipple breasts
(@)(@)

A cups
o o

D cups
{ O }{ O }

Wonder bra breasts
(oYo)

Cold breasts
( ^ )( ^ )

Lopsided breasts
(o)(O)

Pierced Breasts
(Q)(O)

Hanging Tassels Breasts
(p)(p)

Against The Shower Door Breasts
( )( )

Android Breasts
| o | | o |

Martha Stewart's Breasts
($)($)

[bakylotus]

AH BENG JOKES


Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his phone book and said,
'My mobile number has changed,
Earlier it was Nokia 3310, now it is Nokia 6610'.

Ah Beng: 'I am proud, 'cos my son is in Medical College'.
Friend: 'Really, what is he studying?'
Ah Beng: 'No, he is not studying, they are studying him'.

Ah Beng: 'Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night'.
Doctor: 'Take this tablet, you will be ok'.
Ah Beng: 'Can I take tomorrow, tonight final game'.

Ah Beng: 'If I die, will you remarry?'
Wife: 'No, I will stay with my sister. If I die, will you remarry?'
Ah Beng: 'No, I will also stay with your sister'.

Ah Beng: 'People consider me a God'.
Wife: 'How do you know?'
Ah Beng: 'When I went to the Park today, everyone said,
Oh God, you have come again'.

[seesaw]

Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head. "What's the matter?" inquired the bartender.

"While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribbling on the wall, and one that said: WENDY GIVES REALLYFABULOUS HEAD - ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST B.J. IN THE WHOLE WIDEWORLD!" replied the customer.

"Ah buddy, I wouldn't give it a second thought, we get jerks in here like anywhere else," said the bartender.

"I know," continue the head shaker.

"One of them has scratched outThe phone number!"

[seesaw]

Rejected Slogans

Microsoft:
"How much are you going to pay today?"

Penis Enlargement Specialists:
"It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing!"

Eggs:
"The Incredible Edible Ovum."

Iguana:
"The other green meat."

Daisy Air Rifles:
"Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years."

Nike:
"Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"

Radio Shack:
"You've got questions; we've got geek losers!"

Canon Photocopiers:
"Quit calling them 'Xeroxes', dammit!"

Trojans:
"Just add meat."

[konnects]

Little Johnny and Little Mary were playing doctor, on the back porch one day. Little Mary's mom happened to walk out and see them.

Shocked and furious to see her daughter's friend eating her out, she said, "You're gonna get a good lickin' when daddy gets home!"

Mary replied, "But that's what Johnny's been doing all afternoon!"

[konnects]

Little Johnny greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious., "What trick is that my dear," she asked.

Little Johnny replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the damn walls if you came to visit us again."

[konnects]

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

[konnects]

Two New Elements

1. Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (Don't even go there)

Physical Properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing
and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very Bitter if
not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong
affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when
left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly
green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of
wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.


***************
2. Element Name: MANIUM

Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of
shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure
sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to create electricity.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with any WO any chance it can
get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time.
Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able
to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.