Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A Really Cheap Bar


A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer.

The Bartender says “That’ll be a dollar.”

The guy thinks “man, that’s cheap,” but the beer turned out to be delicious.

So, he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine.”

The bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle, opening it, aerating the wine, and pouring it into a nice glass before saying, “that’ll be 50 cents.”

The guy can’t believe it, so he thinks “screw it”, and says “I’ll have a whole bottle of your best scotch.”

The bartender hands it to him and says “here, on the house.”

Curiosity finally gets the better of the guy, so he asks “OK, where’s the owner?”

The bartender replies “upstairs with my wife.”

The guy asks, “what’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”

And the bartender looks the man in the eye and replies, “the same thing I’m doing to his business.”

[bigbirdbird]

Female Parrots





A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know to say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house. I will put them with my two male talking parrots that I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots immediately say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

[bigbirdbird]

Late at Night

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the Stairs, get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and loudly say, "WHO'S HORNY?!!!" And she acts like she's sound asleep.”

[Hurricane88]

*In a "Mental Hospital" of 38 patient's, a journalist asks the Doctor: How do you determine whether to admit a mental patient or not to?*

*Dr: "Well, we fill a bathtub with water and then give the patient;*
*(a). a teaspoon,*
*(b). a glass,*
*(c). a bucket,*
*and ask them to empty the bathtub."*

*Journalist: "Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger."*

*Dr: "No, a normal person would pull the drain plug! Please go to bed No.39. We will start further investigations on you!"*
........................................
You also thought of the bucket, didn't you? Please go to bed No. 40 ! 😝

*Forward quickly... There are still some beds available !!*😂

[Annene]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Hahaha nice share bro

[AhZhu]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Female Parrots





A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know to say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house. I will put them with my two male talking parrots that I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots immediately say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Funny this one

[hagibis]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

*In a "Mental Hospital" *

*Journalist: "Oh, obviously a normal person

Laughable. Thanks for sharing nice joke.

[MarkClatterberg]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

L"WHO'S HORNY?!!!" And she acts like she's sound asleep.”

LMAO, thanks for good joke

[mtkn]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

*Forward quickly... There are still some beds available !!*😂

Very good test, good share bro!

[ubsolaa]

Very good joke thread, thanks bros!

[diputs1269]

Thanks for the nice jokes here.

[bigbirdbird]

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.

There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.

They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, the pail and saucer, method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong.

She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.

He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. .Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is.Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.

[bigbirdbird]

While in Second Grade


Joey was sitting in his 2nd grade class when he looked out the window and saw two dogs screwing in the school yard.

He jumped up and hollered, "Hey, everyone! look at that!"

The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind.

A little girl in the front row said, "Teacher, what was those two dogs doing?

The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and the dog on the bottom was helping him get home.

Joey then said, "Teacher, ain't that just like life, you try to help someone out and end up getting screwed?"

[bigbirdbird]

Truth be Told



A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside.

There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35."

He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

[bigbirdbird]

A Bet with Little Johnny


Little Johnny’s 7th grade teacher had caught him gambling several times. She requested a conference with Johnny's dad who admitted that he also had tried to break Johnny of his gambling habit.

After many failed efforts, Johnny one day (after school) called the teacher a hypocrite.

"Why do you say that, Johnny," she asked.

"Because you are."

Again, she asked, "why."

He said, "Because you're not a true blonde.."

She demanded to know how much money Johnny had.

It came to about $50. She bet him $50 dollars she was a true blonde. She went behind her desk and removed her panties.

Then she stood with her back to the door and pulled her dress up showing her radiantly blonde pubic hair.

Afterwards she called the father and told him what she had done "in Johnny's best interest."

The father moaned and groaned and cried, "Oh, no," numerous times.

The teacher said, "Look, I did this for Johnny.. Do you think it was easy for me to pull up my dress and show Johnny my pussy? I'd think you'd be understanding instead of critical!"

The father replied, "Oh, I'm not so upset that you showed Johnny your pussy, it's just that..."

"Just that what?" the embarrassed teacher asked.

The father replied, "It's just that I decided to break Johnny of betting myself, and this morning I bet him $500 that he was wrong when he boasted that before the day was over, he'd have you lifting your skirt and showing him your pussy."