Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Osima]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Good share bro, thanks!!

[mcpussface]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

Ole and Lena were in the 69 position when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?"

Very nice contribution bro

[bigbirdbird]

Grandpa on the Porch

A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

[bigbirdbird]

Waiting for Surgery


A beautiful young woman is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.

The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body.

He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.

The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.

When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

[bigbirdbird]

Poor Aim

Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So, his mom has to go in and clean up after him.

After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to see the doctor.

After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."

The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.

"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."

"I know," said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."

[bigbirdbird]

Elderly Biker

A little 80-year-old lady had always wanted to join a local motorcycle club..

One day she goes up and knocks on a biker’s door. A big hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

"She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy is amused, but explains that she needs to meet certain criteria biker requirements in order to join the club. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish... beer mostly, whiskey when I'm shooting pool. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."

The biker is surprised but then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and cigars when I'm drinking whiskey and shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times......"

[Hurricane88]

New jokes on Friday...

[StrongBrew]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, watch this.
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Gee, that's pretty good," replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm taking a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seatmate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, "What's going on?"
The Policeman nervously replied, "He's just found a bomb."

[StrongBrew]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped again.
He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around.
In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."

[StrongBrew]

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”

[dailymirror]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

New jokes on Friday...

Picture tells a thousand words. Thanks.

[PasteMeSome]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

Haha just at the correct height

[EagleF15]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Grandpa on the Porch

A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

Horny grandma LMAO!

[RonnieMoran]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped again.
He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around.
In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."

Nice joke bro, thanks a lot

[Badtz1984]

This thread make my day with a smile.