Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[EagleF15]

Great joke thread, camping for more!!

[StrongBrew]

Wikipedia: “I know everything.”
Google: “I have everything.”
Facebook: “I know everybody.”
Internet: “Without me you’re nothing.”
Electricity: “Keep talking losers.”

[Tai_zi21]

Here my first try reading this joke online...

Hope ur guys enjoy

Today at the bank,an old lady ask me to check her balance, So I push her over

[StrongBrew]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. 'What are you doing?' she exclaimed. The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.' Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. 'What are you doing?' he exclaimed. The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.' A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. She asked, 'What are you doing?' He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'

[StrongBrew]

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant."Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?""I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?""I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews.""Are you sure?" Al asked."I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews.""Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.""Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

[StrongBrew]

A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it. Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.
After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly. "Why the jelly," she asks him? "So I do not hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies. "Well why don't you just spit on your cock like all the monks did?!"

[lipe]

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”

“What happened?” asked the bartender politely.

“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”

“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.

“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on.

“When her husband came into the room he said ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Let me just take a leak.’ And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head.”

“Yuk!” The bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”

“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.

Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!”

“Damn, that really is a drag!” said the bartender.

“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!”

The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on, “but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!”

[lipe]

An attractive woman from New York is driving through a remote part of Texas when her car breaks down. A few minutes later, an Indian on horseback comes along and offers her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbs up behind him on the horse and they ride off. Every few minutes the Indian lets out a whoop so loud that it echoes from the surrounding hills.

When they arrive in town, he lets her off at a service station and yells one final “Yahoo!” before riding off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” the service station attendant asks.

“Nothing,” she says, “I just sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held on to his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

“Lady,” the attendant says, “Indians ride bareback.”

[lipe]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman hands him the beer and says, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique. It really is phenomenal! I have a question though: Why is your head so small?”

The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times.

“One day,” he begins, “I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream.

So I picked up the frog and it said, ‘Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.’

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ‘You now have three wishes.’

I looked down at my scrawny body and said, ‘I want a body better than Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime.’

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ‘What will be your second wish?’

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ‘I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.’ She nodded, lay down, held her arms out to me and we made mad passionate love!

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ‘You know, you do have one more wish, darling. What will it be?”

I looked in to her loving eyes and replied, ‘How about a little head?"

[lipe]

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout-looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, “How much do you charge?”

Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand job.”

Guy says, “$500! For a hand job! Jesus Christ! No hand job is worth that kind of money!”

The hooker says, “Do you see that restaurant on the corner?”

“Yes.”

“Do you see the restaurant about a block further down?”

“Yes.”

“And beyond that, do you see that third one?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand job that’s worth $500.”

Guy says, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.” They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he’s just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow job is $1,000?”

The hooker replies, “$1,500.”

“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow job!”

The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.”

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, “Sign me up.”

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”

The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?”

“Damn!” the guy says in awe. “You own the whole city?”

“No,” the hooker replies, “but I would if I had a pussy.”

[lipe]

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters.

She turned around and scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word “penis” again on the black board.

Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.

Every morning for about a week she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, and each day the word was larger than the day before.

Finally, one day she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead found the words: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!”

[lipe]

Q. What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?

A. Men miss them all.

[Hurricane88]

TGIF morning jokes...

[Hurricane88]

*Your Wife Is Your Wife*

A married couple was walking through a garden, suddenly a dog ran towards them.
They both knew it will bite them...
The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart.
The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away.
The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her.
But his wife shouted "I've seen people throwing stones & sticks at a dog, this is the first time I see someone trying to throw his wife at a dog"

Moral: *A Wife is a Wife*

*"No one else can MIS-UNDERSTAND a Husband better, than a Wife.*"by

HAPPY WIFE APPRECIATION DAY 💁🏼‍♂
Enjoy😂😂

[lephonghong]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'

Hahaha nice joke, thanks bro