Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[StrongBrew]

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

[sandhi]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ’

No. 1 football fan

[Hurricane88]

More jokes ok....

[bigbirdbird]

SEX IN THE IRISH TRADITION

THE PREPARATION
Friday Night is very much love-night for the Irish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Irish aphrodisiac - 12 pints Guinness, and some fish and chips, his mind set on one thing - LOVE! Or as he say's himself "the ride". His lust, at fever pitch, after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion - "any chance of me hole then love?" The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious "Would ye ever fuck off!!!".

FOREPLAY
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male, whipping off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, that usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed gyrating with one hand on his hip and the other on the back of his head, singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant "Here we go, here we go, here we go" Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

INITIAL PROBLEMS
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's old Willie Winkie is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as "Ye useless bastard, ye" or possibly "It never happens to the Milkman". Oral sex is a great favourite of the Irishman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like to put your teeth round dis?" The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. "Go on then", she says "but don't disturb me".

DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Oh fuck, I've shot me load." If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Irishman, possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shite, arsehole". The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in?". Given his level sexual expertise the Irishman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, Big Boy". Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a pig. There's no one in the world performs quite like an Irishman - veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

[bigbirdbird]

The sex drive is a fundamental and powerful part of human nature. Some will cluck their tongues in disgust at the sexual behavior of others, and then proceed to do the same things as soon as they have the chance and no one is looking. There are laws and religious proscriptions against various sexual acts in virtually every country and culture. Some seem to make some sense while others are absurd to the point of being laughable.

This highlights absurd sexual laws from all over the world. I have no idea if all of them are accurate, and we know that just because something gets to your email inbox it doesn't mean it's true, but I'm sure some of them must be true.

Here are a few unsubstantiated examples from the mail. First the ancient.



During the Middle Ages, if you were guilty of bestiality you'd be burned at the stake, along with the other party to your crime.

In 100 A.D., the Teutons, an Germanic tribe, would punish anyone caught as a prostitute by suffocating them in excrement.

In 17th century Spain, it was illegal for anyone other than a woman's husband to see her bare feet. A woman could freely expose her breasts, but feet were considered sexual and had to be covered in the presence of men other than her husband.

The vow of a Roman vestal virgin lasted 30 years. If she engaged in sex before then, she was punished by being buried alive.

In Pompeii, a special law was directed at prostitutes. They had to dye their hair either blue, red or yellow in order to be able to work.

Peru still keeps on the books an old piece of legislation that dates all the way back to 1583. Passed by the Third Provisional Council of Lima, it states, "If there is anyone among you who commits sodomy, sinning with another man, or with a boy, or with a beast...Let it be known that it carries the death penalty."

The regional:

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

In Nepal, Bangladesh and Macao it is against the law to view movies containing simulated lovemaking or the pubic area of men and women. The law also does not allow kisses to be shown in any film that includes actors from these three countries.

Cautin Province in Chile has an edict banning the hanging on the walls of Playboy centerfolds and other sexy pinups in any home or public building. The reason according to this decree? "It's more worthwhile to admire a good landscape than a photograph of a naked woman."

Featherbeds were long ago outlawed in Buenos Aires, Argentina because "such an indulgence induces and encourages lascivious feelings."

It's against the law in Belize for any man to have sex with or marry his own aunt. Masked vigilantes are allowed to take the law into their own hands and severely punish the lawbreaker, who is tied to a tree and then flogged.

Masturbation is outlawed in French Guiana because of the "danger it presents to the masturbator." The law notes that such a physical act "is recognized as a common cause of insanity."

The law in Montevideo, Uruguay, bans a man from making love to his wife during her menstrual period. Nor is he allowed even to touch her between the waist and the knees. Anyone who violates this law is fined and publicly administered 200 lashes.

The religious:

The early Christian church forbade couples from having sex on Wednesdays, Fridays and of course, Sundays.

"Sperm is always impure," decreed Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini, "whether it comes from coitus or from involuntary emissions while asleep." Therefore, Iranians are forced by law to go through ablution­or the ritualistic washing away of impurities as in a religious rite­ after being involved in certain kinds of sexual activities. (Ablution isn't necessary, however, if the sperm stays inside the woman's vagina after lovemaking is completed.)

In Iran, a man who perspires when he ejaculates doesn't have to worry according to Muslim law. His sweat isn't impure, but he's not allowed to pray so long as his clothing or body are still sweaty.

According to Iranian law, Islamic religious laws "must be obeyed and carried out by all­without exception and without argument. There is no other right, no other duty but obedience." This Middle Eastern country's Retribution Bill details the punishments for sex-related crimes such as fornication, homosexual activity, prostitution, and being a pimp. Each of these is punishable by death. Public morality is strictly enforced. Any man or woman even accused of adultery is shot.

It is illegal for a man and woman to have sex "on the steps of any church after the sun goes down" in Birmingham, England.

The double-standards:

The law in Guatemala pulls no punches in dealing with single women who have been accused of illicit lovemaking. Supposed female "fornicators," when seen in the streets, are to be stopped, spat upon, and beaten by the citizens of the community. Single men aren't punished at all when they've been caught in the act.

In the state of Texas it was a misdemeanor if two men engage in oral and or anal sex. The same law doesn't apply to men and women engaging in the same activity with each other.

Both Indiana and Ohio have laws that prohibit male skating instructors from having sexual relations with their female students. This misdeed, called "the seduction of female students," is prosecuted as a felony. This statute applies only to male teachers. It seems female skating instructors may have sex with male students.

A married woman in La Paz, Bolivia, is not allowed to drink more than a tiny bit of wine. One who does is considered by law to be morally and sexually lax, and her husband may divorce her for one sip too many.

A husband in Honduras is guilty of adultery only when he has a mistress and when he "keeps her in a notorious manner."

In Michigan a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

Nudity, Peeping, or Viewing Another Person:

In China, women are prohibited from walking around a hotel room in the nude. A woman may be naked only while in the bathroom.

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No male and female­even if they are married­may sleep together in the nude. Nor may any sexual activity be undertaken except while the couple is attired in one of these plain white cotton nightshirts.

Kuwait covers all the bases when it comes to sexual feelings. It's illegal there for a married man to glance at another woman "in a sensual manner." Nor can any male, married or single, lustfully look at a statue of a female or at a female animal.

Lawmakers in Bahrain have decreed that a male doctor can legally examine a woman's genitals. But any examination must be done indirectly. Says the law, "If a doctor must touch a woman's genitalia for medical reasons, he must not look directly at her genitals. He may do this only by seeing their reflection in a mirror."

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. The person undertaking the cleansing ritual commits a serious violation of the law if he or she sneaks a peek. The sex organs of a dead person must always be covered with a brick or a piece of wood during the ritual.

Governing specific acts:

Rhode Island prohibits unmarried people from partaking of bedroom activities under any circumstances. However, if caught, the lovers are both fined $10.

Branchville, South Carolina, retains an old piece of legalese covering those who "lewdly and lasciviously associate, bed, and cohabit together, in a public or non-public place." The amorous couple can be punished with a $500 fine and as much as a six-month prison term.

Until the law was repealed in 1975, California husbands and wives could both get a 15-year penitentiary term for engaging in certain sexual practices. They were specifically prohibited from engaging in any oral activities, even in the privacy of their own bedroom.

Sodomy laws have been repealed­ or are ignored­ in most states, but not Georgia, where a man was sentenced to five years in prison for engaging in oral sex. With his wife. With her consent. In their home.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night).

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington, D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

And the ridiculous:

In Iran, the law clearly states that a Muslim man can't marry a woman who was breast-fed as a baby by his grandmother or his mother.

Prostitutes in South Dakota are still prohibited from plying their trade out of a covered wagon.

Indiana and Wyoming both have laws against anyone's enticing, alluring, instigating, or helping a person under 21 to masturbate. This activity is known in legal circles as an act of "self pollution."

Connecticut still retains an old law forbidding any kind of "private sexual behavior between consenting adults." This odd law makes absolutely no distinction between married and single couples.

Every hotel room in Sioux Falls, South Dakota is required to have twin beds. And these twin beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds.

[bigbirdbird]

A secretary complained about her boss......

She said, "My boss is so sex-crazed". Every time he comes into the office,
I must do the LAPTOP position and then the DESKTOP position,
followed by the SPREADSHEET format.

I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK, so that he can INSERT in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE,
which is most uncomfortable.
Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so that he is VIRUS FREE.

Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER,ENTER the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage.

Once I tried to ESC but he caught me and shifted me to his HOME
where he started pressing @ BACKSPACE, and saying "TURNOVER today"...

Many a times he works without CAPLOCKS (without "CAP" or HELM ET )
and sometimes as an ALTERNATIVE he CRASHES my SYSTEM until he looses his CTRL and he LOGS IN....

This process continues until I ZIP him and SHUTDOWN his main SYSTEM...

[Requestlaw99]

lol. very good joke bro.

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER,ENTER the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage..

[Hurricane88]

Today pic jokes....

[Herzegovina]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Very good one bro LOL

[bigbirdbird]

[Hurricane88]

Good morning jokes...

[Hurricane88]

YOU MAY THINK IT IS A J O K E ❓

A Romanian arrives in Singapore as a new immigrantsl. He stops the first person he sees and says, "Thank you Mr Singaporean, for letting me come to this country, get a job and free education for my children".
The passerby says, "You are mistaken. I am from India".
The man goes on and encounters another passerby.
"Thank you for having a beautiful country here in Singapore".
The person says, "I am not Singaporean. I am Bangladeshi".
He walks further and he stops the next person he encounters, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful country Singapore".
The person days, "I am from China. I am not Singaporean".
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you Singaporean?"
She says, "No, I am from Philippines".
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are the Singaporeans?"
She replies, "Oh, they are fitness freaks. They go around collecting cardboards!"

🤣😂😅😰😱😭😭😭😭

[Badtz1984]

Just for laugh

---------------------------



A cute Nurse came for the interview.

After the interview, the doctor like to make her an offer.

Doctor: What salary you expect?

Nurse: 5,000/ per month

Doctor was overjoyed & said: My Pleasure.


Nurse: With pleasure it’s 25,000 per month

[Badtz1984]

Adam, a very good looking successful man decided that it was his birthright to marry only a perfect and equally beautiful woman so that they would produce equally beautiful offspring.


To achieve his goal, Adam went out to explore the world and look for the woman who would meet his high standards and with whom he could spend the rest of his life. After many months of searching on every continent, Adam came to a small farm in Switzerland and asked to stay there.

The widowed farmer warmly brought Adam home and introduced him to his three daughters. When they entered the room, Adam was astonished by their beauty … Each of the three daughters of the farmer was extraordinarily beautiful, and Adam decided that one of them would be his intended wife.

In the evening he told the farmer about his plans, and the happy father agreed that Adam would go on a date with each of his daughters to choose the one he liked best.

After meeting her first daughter, Adam approached her father and said: “She is really beautiful, but she has slightly crooked toes, it’s barely noticeable, but she is not for me.” The father only shook his head, and

the next evening Adam went out to meet his second daughter. When they returned, he told her father: “She is really beautiful but has a barely noticeable lazy eye, so she is not for me.”

On the third evening, Adam went out with the third daughter and when he returned he said to the father, “She’s perfect, she’s all I was looking for and I have to marry her right away!” The wedding was planned quickly, and a few months later,

Adam’s long-awaited firstborn was born. The new father came into the hospital room expecting to see his perfect offspring and was shocked when he saw that his child was hairy, ugly and not at all like him. “How can it be???” he said to his father in law, standing next to him, “His mother and I are so beautiful!” “Well,” replied the father in law, “she’s beautiful, but she was a bit pregnant when you met… really, barely noticeable…”

[hi4u]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Tis pic is really funny and telling us exactly no joke.
Thanks.