Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[birdie8819]

A recently retired Nebraska farmer went to Dallas for the first vacation he had taken in his entire working life. He checked into a downtown hotel, but when he got to his room he immediately called the front desk.

The farmer said, "This here bed kin sleep the whole Cornhuskers football team! I only wanted a regular-sized bed."

The clerk responded, "That is a regular size bed, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!"

The farmer went to the hotel's bar and ordered a draught beer. When he was served, he said to the bartender, "This is as big as a milkin' pitcher. I only asked for a glass of beer!"

The bartender answered, "That is a glass of beer, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!"

When the waiter in the hotel's dining room brought out the steak the farmer ordered for dinner, the farmer exclaimed, "That steak's as big as my thigh, the baked potato's bigger `n a watermelon, and this corn-on-a-cob's as big as a baseball bat! Where'd this come from?"

The waiter replied, "It's all local, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!"

When the waiter asked the farmer if he wanted to see the dessert menu, the farmer said he might be able to squeeze something in, but after consuming all that food and drink he needed to use the restroom first.

The waiter directed him to go down the hall to the first door on the right.

By this time, the farmer was quite inebriated and mistakenly went through the first door on the left. He walked across the tiled floor and fell into the swimming pool. When the farmer came sputtering to the surface, he yelled out, "For gawd's sakes, please don't flush!"

[birdie8819]

Black Snow


A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her.

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"

"I can't tell you!" the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

"I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies.

And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."

The lady replied, "It's my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!"

[birdie8819]

TOP 10 REASONS WHY CYBER SEX IS BETTER

10. If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name.

9. Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.

8. If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.

7. You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself.

6. Viagra! Who needs Viagra?

5. Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends.

4. Three words: No shotgun weddings.

3. All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela Anderson.

2. They never have to know you live in your parents basement.

1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.

[birdie8819]

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.

"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After awhile I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.

"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

[birdie8819]

The first guy said, "You know, I'm really lucky. When my wife makes love, she's like an acrobat. She can get into the most incredible positions."

The second guy said, "I'm lucky, too. My wife is like a world-class pianist when we have sex. She's got the most talented hands you can imagine."

No one spoke for a moment. Then the first guy said to the third guy, "George how's you wife in bed?"

George took a sip of his beer, then replied, "I guess you could say that my wife makes love like a chess player."

"A chess player?"

"Yeah. Every twenty minutes, she moves."

[birdie8819]

TOP 10 REASONS MEN DATE BIMBOS INSTEAD OF NICE GIRLS

10. Much easier to prove that you're superior.

9. Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own.

8. Won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O wrestling to go see "Phantom of the Opera".

7. More impressed by the thickness of your wallet-even though it's stuffed with condoms instead of money.

6. Will let you send intimate pictures of them to Beaver Hunt.

5. They won't object to demeaning comments you make about them in front of 'the guys'.

4. They actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind and personality - now shut up and finish putting on that French maid outfit.

3. Don't understand computers well enough to access your files and read what you've been saying about them.

2. Their ability to comprehend spatial relationships is so poor that they really do believe that it's eight inches.

and the Number One Reason Men Date Bimbos Instead Of Nice Girls

1. They will put up with you.

[birdie8819]

Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past. The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba's
last date:

"You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type, " Faba declared.

"What's that? What's do you mean intellectual type?" Mujo asked with curiosity.

"Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and intelligent," explained Faba to her friend.

Mujo giggles, and asked, "So, how was it?"

"First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And then he took me out for a drive. After all that, he took me to his house. He began an intellectual conversation. And finally, he took out his penis."

"What is this word, 'penis'," Mujo asked, unfamiliar with the clinical terminology.

"Oh, it is what intellectuals have. It looks like a dick, just much smaller !"

[birdie8819]

Two little boys are visiting their cousin in the country when they decide to go for a walk down the back roads. After about three miles they find a used rubber lying by the road.

"Hey," one of the dumbass city boys says, "look, a poor cow lost one of its titties!"

"Let's go give it to the farmer!" the other one says.

So, they work they way up to the farm house. They knock on the door and out comes the farmer.

"Hey, Mister, we found a cow titty. Ya want it back?"

The farmer, not in the mood for conducting a Sex-Ed seminar, said, "Sure, boys, here's a dollar for your trouble."

The boys hand over the rubber and head on back down the road. After a little while one says to the other, "You know, lardass, we could have got more than a buck if you hadn't drank the darn milk!"

[birdie8819]

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake. "Don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...

"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!".

[birdie8819]

賓拉登說：中國是全球唯一絕對不能惹的國家！
Bin Laden said: China is the world's only country we absolutely cannot mess with
原因是這樣的：基地組織曾派出八名恐怖分子襲擊中國，結果如下：
The reason is this: al-Qaeda terrorists had made 8 attacks on the Chinese with the following results:
*一人在炸北京西直門立體交通橋時，在橋上迷了路；
One person was to explode a bomb in Beijing Xizhimen (the main northwest gate of Beijing) but he lost his way in the three-dimensional traffic bridge
*一人在上海坐公車自殺炸彈時，擠了兩小時沒擠上車；
One person in Shanghai was to take a bus to explode a suicide bomb in the bus, but it was so crowded he could not get into a bus for two hours
*一人在武漢炸超市時，炸彈遙控器被偷；
One person was to bomb a supermarket in Wuhan, but found that the bomb remote control was stolen
*一人在炸成都政府大樓時，在門口被保安當作疆獨份子逮捕、狂揍、逼供；
One person wanted to bomb government buildings in Chengdu, but was stopped at the door by the security staff and arrested as an East Turkistan separatist, and was beaten and interrogated
*一人成功地河北炸礦，死傷數百人，潛回基地組織後，半年都沒見任何到有新聞報導，遂被組織以"謊報戰果罪 "處決了（這個最可憐！）；
One person succeeded in bombing a Hebei mine, with hundreds of people dead and wounded, and then returned to the al-Qaeda center, but even after six months, failed to see any news reports on the success of the bombing (due to news blackout by the China government), was considered by the organization to claim a false victory and was executed (this is the most pathetic!);
*一人曾經嘗試炸廣州，結果剛一出火車站，炸藥包就給飛車黨搶了；
One person had tried to bomb Guangzhou, but as he came off the train, a motorcycle robber (flying car robber) snatched his bag (containing the bomb) from him
*一人剛到西安就失聯，後來在醫院找到人，但卻是在昏迷當中，醫生說他不但吃到黑心食品，還喝到假酒，可能 會成為植物人；
One person who arrived in Xi'an lost contact, and was later found at the hospital in a coma. Doctors said it was the result of him eating not only "black-hearted" food products, but he also drank fake alcohol, and would possibly become a "vegetable" (vegetative state)
*後來，賓拉登改派一名女恐怖分子去炸海南島，結果竟然被騙去賣淫！！
Later, bin Laden tried to send a female terrorist to blow up Hainan Island, but she was cheated into prostitution
最後，賓拉登不得不說：記得！！中國是全球唯一絕對不能惹的國家！
Finally, bin Laden have to say: Remember! ! China is the world's only country we absolutely cannot mess with!

[birdie8819]

To the couple fucking on the third floor apt across the street from my office:

We at X Associates would like to thank you for your weekly Friday show. every Friday at 4 we can count on you to get it on and on and on.

I must admit my surprise in a city full of skyscrapers that someone in a third floor apt in midtown doesn't see the need for window coverings of any sort especially when there is a 17 floor office building across the street.

I only can assume you are feeling the need to keep up with the porn shop that opened up on the first floor of your building. though I question your intelligence I applaud your lusty lifestyle.

Last weeks super freaky positions sex was great fun. all the engineers here are still trying to work out the logistics on a couple of those positions, and we are fairly sure that one of them is physically impossible due to the stresses it would put on the female body.

This weeks theme seems to be speed fucking from behind...and was that a third person in the room we saw, we aren't sure but oh what randy fun. and once again we are amused, and titillated.

You have no idea what a welcome break you bring when the call comes from that side of our office that the fuckers are at it again.

The cubicles clear out and you have 20 some odd men, and one woman (me) pressed against the windows.

As much as we enjoy the current show we do have some ideas that could really bring it to the next level of enjoyment for your adoring viewers.

1. Invest in some kind of glare free glass for the window. the glare gets nasty on overcast days like today and we could barely make out who was slapping who on the ass.

2. Move a bit closer to the window...not too close, just say a foot. this give us the viewer the premium viewing situation.

3. Man...get rid of the chubby girl, from certain angles well she is just too much woman for us.

4. Sex against the window, just think about the fun that would be had for all, you then could see us we could see you, it would be a wonderous intimate act for the 25 of us.

5. Maybe add one more show a week, I know last week you did a bonus wednesday show and it went over great, it really warmed us up for friday.

I would really like once again to thank you on behalf of us all here at X Associates. you make what is the best day of the work week here even better, because nothing can beat seeing two young people as yourself fuck like monkeys right before we leave this hellhole for the weekend.

[birdie8819]

Top 10 Answers Men Would Most Like To Give To Women's Stupid Questions, But Never Will

10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.

9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all the fucking ice-cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

8. You've got shit chance of me calling you.

7. No, I won't be gentle.

6. Of course you have to swallow.

5. Well, yes actually, I do this all the time.

4. I hate your fucking friends.

3. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

2. I'd rather watch a stick movie.

1. Eat it? It took me 10 schooners to get up the courage to fuck it.

[birdie8819]

This trucker had been driving his eighteen wheeler for hours and he was hot and tired so he stopped at his favorite brothel he'd patronize for years.

Mabel answers the door and says "Hey there Ed. What can I do for you."

Ed replies, "You know I've been trading here for twenty years and this time I'd like something different."

"Well" says Mabel, "we got Annie, Betty and Lucy - she takes it up the 'attic'".

"Hell no, I want something different" says Ed.

Mabel says, "Oh, I'll send Hurricane Jessie. She's new. Now you go on to your room."

Ed goes to his room and gets all prepared. Soon this big Amazon of a gal comes in and she's puffing and a blowing. She straddles old Ed and starts swinging back and forth, her big boobs just knocking hell outa his head.

He cried, "What in hell's going on?"

"I'm Hurricane Jessie and that's the coconuts falling off the coconut trees".

Pretty soon she starts pissing all over him and says this is the monsoon rains that come with the hurricane.

Ed jumps off the bed and Hurricane Jessie says, "What's wrong honey, don't you like it?"

He said,"I'm leaving. Who in hell could fuck in this kind of weather?"

[birdie8819]

Two builders (Chas and Dave) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Chas: -I reckon he's an accountant.

Dave: -No way, he's a stockbroker.

Chas: -He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chas and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Chas: -Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: -No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Chas: -Oh! What's that then?

Suit: -I'll try to explain by example...Do you have a goldfish at home?

Chas: -Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: -Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Chas: -It's in a pond!

Suit: -Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Chas: -As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: -Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house?

Chas: -As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: -Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and you are quite probably married?

Chas: -Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!

Suit: -Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Chas: -Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: -Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Chas: -Me? Never

Suit: -Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Chas: -How's that then?

Suit: -Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!

Chas: -I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chas returns to his mate.

Dave: -I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Chas: -Yep ! He's a logical scientist!

Dave: -What's that then?

Chas: -I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Dave: -Nope

Chas: -Well then, you're a wanker

[birdie8819]

One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband, the complainer said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.

The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor. The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is"