Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[HolySh!t]

Originally Posted by beary

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING

10. He can open your blouse by himself.

9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.

8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.

5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.

3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.

2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.

1. Beard abrasions on areola.

Very true and super funny LOL
Camping here...Showing support for this thread.Jia You!

[bakylotus]

WIFE

I wrote your name on sand, it got washed
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away
Then I wrote your name on my heart
And I got heart attack

HUSBAND

God saw me hungry, he created pizza
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi
He saw me in the dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, he created you

WIFE

Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not far

HUSBAND

The rain makes all things beautiful
The grass and flowers too
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you

WIFE

Roses are red, violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in the zoo
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in a cage, but laughing at you

[Roman city]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot with a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about it, but decided, she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “That’s really not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school that afternoon, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman laughed about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Keith!”

[bakylotus]

Heaven is when you have:

American salary,
English car,
Chinese food and
Indonesian wife.

Hell is when you have:

American wife,
English food,
Chinese car and
Indonesian salary!







FELT SORRY

The District Attorney was cross examining the
murderess on the witness stand.

'And so after you had poisoned the coffee and
your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking
of the fatal dosage, didn't you feel any qualms?
Didn't you feel the slightest pity for him knowing
he was about to die and was wholly unconscious
of it?'

'Yes' she answered, 'Come to think of it, there was
just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him'.

'And when was that?'

'When he asked for a second cup'.

[Roman city]

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, “Why don’t we get it on, eh?” She replies, “I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don’t like to make love the night before.” So the husband agrees, rolls back over and starts to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, “You don’t by any chance have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow, do you?”

[bakylotus]

My brother Scott brought over a photo album of his
camping trip. One picture showed a brown bear
helping itself to his food. 'What kind of bear is that?'
I asked.

'Its called a Kodiak', he replied.

'Oh yeah?' my husband Keith shot back. 'And I suppose
those white ones in the Artic are called Polaroids!'.

[seesaw]

Height of Confusion: Two earthworms making love in a bowl of noodles.

Height of Pain: A monkey sliding down a knife's edge using balls as his brakes.

Height of Honesty: A pregnant woman asking the bus conductor for one & a half ticket.

Height of Foolishness: A guy peeping thru' the keyhole of a glass door.

Height of Revenge: A bastard puncturing all the condoms in a contraceptive factory.

Height of Noise: Two skeletons fucking on a tin roof.

Height of Itch: A fat man hanging (upside down) from a roof trying to scratch his balls.

Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying Clearasil to her nipples thinking them as pimples.

Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in prostitute's cunt.

Height of Laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.

Height of Competition: A guy peeing against Niagara Falls.

Height of Bravery: A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays.

Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.

Height of Disgusting: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.

Height of Technology: Condom with zip

[seesaw]

There was this woman sitting on a park bench muttering to herself and spitting. She would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, she would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive", then spit.

A man sits down next to her and asks her, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".

"Well", says the gal, "my boyfriend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?"

"He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvey.

"We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road.

I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!

"We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it!

I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... "Geoff, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!"

She paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"

[seesaw]

On this particular day the husband has a bad feeling his wife is cheating on him, so he decides to come home early. Sure enough as he pulls up, there's a strange car out the front. He pushes the front door open, when he hears his wife puffing and panting upstairs. So he bounds up there. There on the bed is his wife with her legs wide open, unaware of his presence and the window wide open. As the husband looks out he sees a man running up the street doing his pants up.

He is so out raged that he picks up the nearest thing, which is the wardrobe and throws it at the bloke running down the street. Well, the bloke dies instantly, now the husband suddenly realizes the extent of what he's done, has a heart attack and dies.

When he gets to the pearly gates of heaven, he meets two other men. He turns to the first one and says, "How did you die?"

"Well" says the first one "I was late for work and I was running down the street still half dressed and doing my pants up, when some cunt threw a fucking wardrobe at me!

How did you die?"

The husband replies "I was coming home from work early cause I knew my wife was cheating on me, so I went up to our room and sure enough she was spread eagled and he was running up the road doing his pants up so I threw a wardrobe at him, had an attack of conscience and bloody died of a heart attack!"

They both turn to the third guy and ask "How did you die?" the third one replies "I was sleeping with some guys wife when the asshole husband came home, so I hid in the wardrobe and some cunt threw it out the window!

[seesaw]

A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making:

Dad: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing.

Son: What do you mean, Dad?

F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"

S: What do other women say?

F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."

S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."

F: That's male nurses. But let's move on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."

S: And what does mother say?

F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige."

[seesaw]

An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is also staying there. One day he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She agrees that when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind at the home and get down to it.

The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and goes for it.

After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis. He looks and her confused and states that surely you can't get arthritis down there and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell.

She says "No it's the arthritis in my shoulder; I can't wipe my ass properly!"

[Roman city]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window.

He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. “Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor. TO which she replies, “Yes, checking for abnormalities.”

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her down on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

She replies, “Yes, getting herpes – that’s why I’m here!”

[talkrock]

Bin Laden said: China is the world's only country we absolutely cannot mess with

The reason is this: al-Qaeda terrorists had made 8 attacks on the Chinese with the following results:

One person was to explode a bomb in Beijing Xizhimen (the main northwest gate of Beijing ) but he lost his way in the three-dimensional traffic bridge;

One person in Shanghai was to take a bus to explode a suicide bomb in the bus, but it was so crowded he could not get into a bus for two hours;

One person was to bomb a supermarket in Wuhan , but found that the bomb remote control was stolen;


One person wanted to bomb government buildings in Chengdu, but was stopped at the door by the security staff and arrested as an East Turkistan separatist, and was beaten and interrogated;


One person succeeded in bombing a Hebei mine, with hundreds of people dead and wounded, and then returned to the al-Qaeda center, but even after six months, failed to see any news reports on the success of the bombing (he was considered by the organization to claim a false victory and was executed (this is the most pathetic!);

One person had tried to bomb Guangzhou, but as he came off the train, a motorcycle robber (flying car robber) snatched his bag (containing the bomb) from him;

One person who arrived in Xi'an lost contact, and was later found at the hospital in a state of coma.

Doctors said it was the result of him eating not only "black-hearted" food products, but he also drank fake alcohol, and would possibly turn into a "vegetable" (vegetative state);

Later, bin Laden tried to send a female terrorist to blow up Hainan Island , but she was cheated into prostitution!

Finally, bin Laden have to say: Remember! China is the world's only country we absolutely cannot mess with!

[birdie8819]

Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.


The gay burglar couldn't blow the safe, so he went down on the elevator


Next time a man hits on you, just ask him if he wants to get laid.
If he says yes, just tell him to crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.


Q. What do you get when you cross a brassiere with Texas?
A. Playtex.

Q. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
A. Beef strokin' off.

Q. What's female Viagra?
A. Jewelry

Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A. A love call.

Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
A. Because it can't make a fist.

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

Gas now costs more than milk!

As a child, I was the kind my mother wouldn't let me play with.

If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.

People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.

I turned to my father one night and said, "It's amazing-50 years and you never once had an affair. How do you account for that?" He replied, "I can't drive."

How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

When the sky finally cleared up after a long week of rain, our young granddaughter happily proclaimed, "Oh look! The sun came home!"

Why do we say "tuna fish" but we don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird"?

I'm not saying she's easy, but her body has been declared a national recreation area.

[birdie8819]

The only cow in a small town in Queensland stopped giving milk...The town folk found they could buy a real good cow in NZ quite cheaply. As you are aware, NZ has a fantastic dairy industry. Their cows are the best.

They brought the cow from NZ and it was wonderful,produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side...

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in NZ ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow all the way from NZ ... "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from NZ ?

"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from NZ "