Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[dyelook]

laughter bumps....

[ilovelife.now]

A gay couple travelling on a plane

A gay couple (Jerry and Tom) are travelling on a plane.

"What if we had sex?" asks Jerry.

"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."

"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"

Jerry stands up and asks loudly:

"Could I have a napkin, please?"

Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn.

"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Tom.

So Jerry and Tom have wild sex on the plane.

Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"

"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass..."

[ilovelife.now]

A little girl and boy are fighting about who is better.

Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”

The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.

A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face.


She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

[bigbirdbird]

List of Possible Slogans Promoting National Condom Week



1. Cover Your Stump Before U Hump

2. Before U Attack Her, Wrap Yr Whacker

3. Don't Be Silly, Protect Yr Willy

4. When In Doubt, Shroud Yr Spout

5. Don't Be A Loner, Cover Yr Boner

6. You Cant Go Wrong If U Shield Yr Dong

7. If You're Not Goin To Sack It, Go Home And Whack It.

8. If U Think She's Spunky Cover Yr Monkey

9. If U Slip Between Her Thighs, Be Sure To Condomize

10. It Will Be Sweeter If U Wrap Yr Peter

11. She Wont Get Sick If U Wrap Yr Dick

12. If U Go In To Heat, Package Yr Meat

13. While Yr Undressing Venus, Dress Up Yr Penis

14. When U Take Off Her Pants And Blouse, Slip Up Yr Trouser Mouse

15. Especially In December, Gift Wrap Yr Member

16. Never,Never Deck Her With An Unwrapped Pecker

17. Dont Be A Fool, Vulcanize Yr Tool

18. The Right Selection Will Protect Yr Erection

19. Wrap It In Foil Before Checking Her Oil

20. A Crank With Armor Will Never Harm Her

21. No Glove, No Love!

[bigbirdbird]

Pepe’s Wife

“Heh! Manuel! 'Ow are you?"

"Verrry wella. 'Ow are you, Pepe?"

"Soooo happy! I am married, my wife is da mosta beautifool woooman in da world! She cooksa mosta tasty chillie, she isa da besta 'ousekeeper, you musta come an' see 'er. There's justa one thinga, she is a mute, she cannotta speaka at all."

A couple of days later Pepe sees Manuel.

"Hey, Manuel, 'ave you seena my wife?"?

"Yeah."

"And whatta you thinka?"

"She is DISGUSTING!"

"Disgusting? My Chiquita? Why?"

"I wentta to see you. I politely said to 'er ,

'My name is Manuel.? I 'ave come to see Pepe. Is he at 'ome? Where? is he?' So, she turns her back to me, she lifta 'er skirt up, bends forward,

and sh isn't wearing anything underneatha! Then, she? showsa me the coffee pot. Disgusting."

"Nah, she is not disgusting, she was telling? you, 'That asshole is ina da café'."

[diputs1269]

Holiday bump laughter, hehe.

[Hurricane88]

A doctor drives by a small town. He stops at a gas station and notices there is no one there.
A little kid passes by and tells him the gas station is closed because everyone is a the funeral of the owner's daughter.

Since he was out of gas, he decided to stay for the night and goes to the funeral.

When he gets there he goes in and looks at the open casket and notices that something is wrong.

He calls the father:
“Sir, I am a doctor and I can assure you she is not dead, she is in a catatonic sleep.”

“What do we do now?”, asks the father.

“Does she have a boyfriend?”, asks the doctor.

“Yes”, replies the father.

“Take her to a room and have the boyfriend have sex with her”.

They do as the doctor said and sure enough, she wakes up.
Everybody was happy and the doctor leaves once he fills up his gas tank.

A few months go by and the doctor returns to the same gas station.
The same kid greets him again:
“Doctor, it is so great to see you again. About a week ago Mrs. Edward died. Half of the town has screwed her already but she is just not waking up”.

Moral of the story:
See a doctor before self medication.

[SlowWalking]

Originally Posted by ilovelife.now

A little girl and boy are fighting about who is better.

Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”

The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.

A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face.


She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

Haha very good one bro!

[Hurricane88]

This is quite hilarious🤣 😂👍

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke.

Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

The query:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2.

Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck

Tech Support Team

[nissanmotor]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

This is quite hilarious🤣 😂👍

Really well written joke. Thanks for sharing.

[LeNinjaMatic]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

This is quite hilarious🤣 😂👍

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke.

Very nice joke. Hope to read more

[luveyou29]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

A doctor drives by a small town. He stops at a gas station and notices there is no one there.
A little kid passes by and tells him the gas station is closed because everyone is a the funeral of the owner's daughter.

Since he was out of gas, he decided to stay for the night and goes to the funeral.

When he gets there he goes in and looks at the open casket and notices that something is wrong.

He calls the father:
“Sir, I am a doctor and I can assure you she is not dead, she is in a catatonic sleep.”

“What do we do now?”, asks the father.

“Does she have a boyfriend?”, asks the doctor.

“Yes”, replies the father.

“Take her to a room and have the boyfriend have sex with her”.

They do as the doctor said and sure enough, she wakes up.
Everybody was happy and the doctor leaves once he fills up his gas tank.

A few months go by and the doctor returns to the same gas station.
The same kid greets him again:
“Doctor, it is so great to see you again. About a week ago Mrs. Edward died. Half of the town has screwed her already but she is just not waking up”.

Moral of the story:
See a doctor before self medication.

Haha good share bro

[bigbirdbird]

A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat.

Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur, Miss?"

The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good try."

Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, "Me, Miss!" "Me, Miss!"

The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin, Miss?"

The teacher replies... "Not quite right either, Peter... Anyone else want to try?"

Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny.

She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"

Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd say, it would have to be bolted on!"

[bigbirdbird]

A man and a woman were engaged in heated sexual intercourse.

The woman was screaming and wiggling like she had never before.

Afterwards, she flings the lights on and stares him straight in the eyes.

"You know you were fucking me in the ass, don't you?"

"I wasn't quite sure," replied the man.

"Surely you realized that it wasn't like our normal sex. Why didn't you stop?" pleaded the wife.

"You know how much we men hate to stop and ask for directions..."

[bigbirdbird]

Hypothetical Question


A trainee for the New York Police Department, was asked the following hypothetical question:

"If your beat was a lonely path in Central Park, and a beautiful young girl rushed up to you and declared that a strange man had suddenly grabbed her, hugged and kissed her, and tried to remove her clothing, what would you do?"

The police-officer-in-training replied without hesitation, "I would endeavor to reconstruct the crime."