Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Depressed


A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a downward slope.

He became very depressed because he loved to play golf, so, one day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."

He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

The guy asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."


Heart Warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes.

[bigbirdbird]

Her First Period





Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for home, crying because her first period had started, and she had no idea what it was.

The girl's teacher was reluctant to get involved, so she suggested Sheryl talk to her mom.

She was walking home when she ran into little Johnny.

"Why are you crying? Asked little Johnny.

"I'm crying because I'm bleeding," she replied.

"Give me a look," said little Johnny.

She lifted her skirt and showed him.

"Fuckin' hell!" said little Johnny. "No wonder you're bleeding, some bastard's cut off your cock!"

[bigbirdbird]

Two Dogs


Little Johnny and his dad are walking in the park when they pass two dogs having sex.

"Daddy, what are those dogs doing?" asks Little Johnny.

His dad explains, "Well, son, the one on top hurt his foot, and his friend is carrying him home."

Little Johnny looks back at the dogs and remarks, "Geez, ain't that just like a friend? You try to help him out and he screws you every time!"

[bigbirdbird]

At a Welfare Office





A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth & a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the System, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Maybach & he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive.

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!!!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."

[Hurricane88]

Every day Dolly went to the cemetery in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Gabru.

When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave.

One day her friend Bianca asked, "Dolly why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?"

Dolly answered, "When Gabru was alive he always told me 'You've got such a great ass; it could bring a dead man back to life!' I'm not taking any chances !"

[Hurricane88]

Youtube joke

[Hurricane88]

*Question: Why is the "69" position also called the "smokers' position?"*
_Answer: Because while she is smoking the cigar, he is cleaning the ashtray._

*Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation?*
_Answer: Because it's HANDMADE !_

*An old man married a young girl. On the wedding night he showed five fingers to his wife.*
Young girl: Ooh.. Darling! 5 times?
*Old man: No dear, choose which one you prefer to start with.*

*Question: What is the smallest hotel in the world?*
_Answer: It's Vagina Inn. Because it can only accommodate 1 standing occupant and 2 pieces of baggage outside!_

*2 prostitutes were in a taxi, on their way home after "work".*
Bitch 1: I smell sperm!
Bitch 2 : Sorry, I burped!

*Man went to the chemist to buy 1/4 of a Viagra.*
Chemist said, "It would be useless."
_Man said, "I am 90, sex is out of question, I just want to stop peeing on my shoes"._

*Reporter: Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis, would you care to comment on this?*
_Man: The truth is that she has a big mouth!_

*What is the similarity between a swimming pool and a wife?*
_For both, we pay high maintenance for the little time we spend in them._

*Love is a complicated piece of machinery.*
_Sometimes, all you need is a good screw to fix it._

*What's the difference between biology and sociology?*
_Answer: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology._
_When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology._

*Whoever first said that "A dog is man's best friend" has never seen a pussy before.*

*Dracula asked God, "May I be reincarnated as a white angel with wings and still suck blood?"*
_God said, "Okay" and Poof! Dracula turned into a sanitary pad"._

*What is the speed limit in sex?*
_Answer: 70 - because at 69 you have to turn around._
😁

[Hurricane88]

Laughter on Valentine's Day...

[bigbirdbird]

Q.What's the difference between cricketers and condoms?
A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the drops.


Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?
A: Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, riding a woman
you fix your legs & move your ass.


Q: What makes a happy man?
A: Daughter is on the cover of Vogue, son on the cover of Sports
Illustrated, mistress on the cover of Playboy and wife on the cover of
Missing persons.


Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both dissappear
at night.


Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.


Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward...forward...
backward....forward... stop and eject.


Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it
doesn't come means you are in big trouble

Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.


7 qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible,
Energetic,
Adorable,
Sweet,
Truthful and
Self-Organised.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S


Q: Who is a gynaecolgist ?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a
place,where most people find pleasure.

[bigbirdbird]

This Week In Hell

This guy is in hell and Satan asked how it was going.

The man replied, "Not so good. I'm in hell."

Satan said, "Well, do you like to smoke?"

"Yeah, I used to smoke all the time when I was alive."

"Well that's all we do on Monday, just sit around and smoke all day. You don't have to worry about dying because you are already dead!"

"So do you like to drink? "Satan asked.

"Yeah, I did that every so often."

"Well that's all we do on Tuesday is drink all day. You want some Sake, Vodka, anything you want we got."

"So do you like drugs?"

"Well I did some drugs in my time."

"Well that's all we do on Wednesday is do drugs all day. You feel like smoking a bowl anything you want we can get you."

"So do you like to gamble?"

"Yeah my wife use to yell at me for it all the time."

"Well that's all we do on Thursday is gamble any game you want we have!"

"So are you gay?"

"Well no!"

"Ooooh, you're going to hate Fridays!"

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny and two of his friends were sitting on a front porch one day after school.

Billy looked down the street and saw a bright red Corvette.

"Some day I'm gonna be a lawyer so I can buy me one of those Corvettes," he said.

Robbie looked over at the driveway next to the Corvette and saw a brand new Ferrari.

"I'm gonna be a doctor," he said, "so I can get me a fast Ferrari."

Little Johnny looked over at the other two and replied, "I'm gonna learn how to suck dick when I grow up."

The other two jaws dropped.

"That's what my sister does, and she owns both of those cars," explained Little Johnny

[bigbirdbird]

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

Woman asks, 'What are you?'

He says, 'I'm a Fireman'

'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.

'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'


*************



A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.

On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor, who says this is a good sign, and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife.

He rushes out and tells the doctor.

The doctor says this is amazing and is a real breakthrough.

Obviously the sexual stimulation is getting through to the woman's brain.

The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in, then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor is shocked and asks what happened.

"She choked."

[fellhenni]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Laughter on Valentine's Day...

Absolutely the truth!!

[rawboy83]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Laughter on Valentine's Day...

great share bro, so true.

[Kotonos]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Her First Period





Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for home, crying because her first period had started, and she had no idea what it was.

The girl's teacher was reluctant to get involved, so she suggested Sheryl talk to her mom.

She was walking home when she ran into little Johnny.

"Why are you crying? Asked little Johnny.

"I'm crying because I'm bleeding," she replied.

"Give me a look," said little Johnny.

She lifted her skirt and showed him.

"Fuckin' hell!" said little Johnny. "No wonder you're bleeding, some bastard's cut off your cock!"

Hahaha this is funny, thanks!