Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[scbank]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

When Liam decided it was time for his friend Brendan to part with his virginity, he accompanied him to the local whorehouse and explained Brendan's condition to the madam.

"Don't worry, my boy, we'll get a nice lass to take care of ye," she promised. "Ye just do your part and make sure ye wear one of these."

And the madam took a condom out of her drawer and rolled it down over her thumb by way of instruction.

Brendan parted eagerly with his money and bounded up the stairs to Room 12, where a cheerful farm girl soon showed him the ropes.

After he'd come, a frown passed over her face. "The rubber must have torn," she muttered. "I'm wet as the sea inside."

"Oh no it didn't, Miss," Brendan cheerfully reassured her, holding up his thumb as evidence. "It's good as new."

Thanks for the nice joke bro bigbigbird.

Hope you can post more.

[rainbowface]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Paddy is sitting in a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.

To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.

Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick 2 fingers in?"

Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding-you mean it can whistle, too?"

Very nice one bro bigbirdbird, thanks!

[zulmani]

Very good joke thread, big thanks

[mojonesindex]

Kudos to all who share nice jokes, Happy New Year in advance

[bigbirdbird]

Blind Date


The blind date hadn't been all that great, and Mary was relieved the evening was finally over.

At her apartment door, Frank suddenly asked, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

But before she could respond, he'd dropped his pants, right there in the hallway, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She glanced down and remarked, "Nice design -- does it also come in men's sizes?"

[bigbirdbird]

When He Dies



At the mahjong game, a matron was bragging to her club members.

"That old goat of a husband of mine can't spend a dime without my consent. My lawyer drew up an agreement that will hold up 100% in any court. And when he dies, I get every cent under his last will and testicles."

"You must mean testament," said one of the ladies.

"When I say testicles, I mean testicles," laughed the woman. "Even after he's buried, I'll still have him by the balls!"

[bigbirdbird]

One of two gays who were living together fell in love with the handsome young doctor across the street.

"I'd just love to meet him," said one gay to his roommate, "if you have no objections. But I don't know how to go about it."

"I don't mind, sweets. Have your fling. Just pose as one of his patients."

So the first one went to the doctor's office the next day and said his name was Smith.

"What's your problem, Mr Smith?" the doctor asked.

"Oh, Doctor, I have such a terrible pain in my rectum."

"Let's have a look," said the doctor. "Take off your trousers."

The doctor parted his cheeks and looked up inside with a flashlight.

"Holy smoke!" the doctor exclaimed. "No wonder you have pains. Do you realise that you have one dozen roses up in there?"

"Never mind the roses," the patient said. "Just read the card!"

[bigbirdbird]

A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on
her own. After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and make
small talk. She accepted.

"What's your name?" he asked her.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?"

"Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen."

"Why did you do that?" he asked.

"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars,so that is how I got my
name. What's your name?"

"Beerpussy," the man replied.

[bigbirdbird]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times that her husband finally asks

"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God. I thought you were sitting on the cat."

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny's 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.

"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"

Johnny says, "God, I'm coming!!"


*********

Mary and her husband were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.

He suddenly said, 'Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.'

'Now why would you want me to do something like that?' Mary asked.

'I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff....'

'What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"


**********

Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19.

Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys.

"Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend."

"Swallow." Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."

[indulgent]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Blind Date


The blind date hadn't been all that great, and Mary was relieved the evening was finally over.

At her apartment door, Frank suddenly asked, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

But before she could respond, he'd dropped his pants, right there in the hallway, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She glanced down and remarked, "Nice design -- does it also come in men's sizes?"

Very fanny joke and thank you to bro bigbigbird.

Cheers.

[Qenzi]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Little Johnny's 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.

"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"

Johnny says, "God, I'm coming!!"


*********

Mary and her husband were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.

He suddenly said, 'Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.'

'Now why would you want me to do something like that?' Mary asked.

'I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff....'

'What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"


**********

Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19.

Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys.

"Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend."

"Swallow." Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."

Very finny Johnny and Mary jokes, thanks bro bigbirdbird.

Happy New Year.

[test101]

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground.

"I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun.

The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead.

"I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself.

The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead.

"Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky.

Poof! A female leprechaun appears.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."

The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies.

The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."

The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies.

The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."

The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?"

The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold.

The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?"

She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion."

The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?"

She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland."

The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?"

"What do you mean?" says the leprechaun.

"The cow didn't."

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so large, his parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls.

They cautioned him he could easily kill someone.

Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex.

He refuses expressing concern he might kill her.

She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and nothing bad can happen.

He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful sensations, she faints from pure joy.

Thinking he's killed her, Johnny runs from the class room sobbing and crying, "Oh my God!... I killed her! I killed her!"

All at once he stops dead in his tracks, and look of dawning comprehension appears on his face as he says, "Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. She committed suicide!"

[bigbirdbird]

A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off.

He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor.

He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in.

The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?"

"Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.

The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about? This is a marshmallow!"

"Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmallow on the way in here!"