Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[chialatstory]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

One Penny Bar


A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy.

The barman replies "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with mashed potatoes, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy. "4¢,” he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same thing I'm doing to his business."

Nice share, ROFL

[realTramp]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Chucky Goes to the Movies



An old farmer went to town to see a movie.

The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster, Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes."

"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We don't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think this guy next to me is a pervert," said Mildred.

"What makes you think that?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age, we've seen them all."

"I thought so," said Mildred, "but this one is eating my popcorn."

This is damn funny hehe

[shanxi]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed - Freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo condition, blow dry
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained 7kg
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
15:00 Nap
16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist - card is from secret admirer
16:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror
19:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
22:00 Hot shower [alone]
22:50 Carried to bed...[Freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen]
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

Wow, nice joke. Bro, pls share more.
Cheers and thanks.

[xaniman]

Great thread here. Thanks bro

[Salonpass]

Originally Posted by Roadboss

John  :- I want to Divorce my Wife.

Lawyer :- On what Grounds.???

John  :- She's out all Night, every Night, going from Bar to Bar.

Lawyer :- Are you saying she's an Alcoholic or do you think she's Cheating on you..???

John  :- No, She's Looking for Me!!

Hahaha this is funny!

[bigbirdbird]

Handsome Vinnie had a great vacation visiting the back room of every gay bar on Castro Street, but it left him somewhat worse for wear. When

he got home he called up a friend who practiced homeopathic medicine and complained that his rectum was terribly swollen and tender. The friend recommended making a poultice of herbal tea leaves and applying it to the area.

It did relieve the irritation a bit, but the next morning found Vinnie still in considerable discomfort, so he hobbled over to the office of a proctologist who served the gay community. In the examining room, the good-looking fellow bent over and spread his cheeks. The doctor cluckedv sympathetically and started investigating.

"Well, Doctor?" asked Vinnie after a few minutes had passed. "What'sthe diagnosis?"
"It's not completely clear, darling," admitted the proctologist, "but the tea leaves recommend a Caribbean cruise for the two of us."

[bigbirdbird]

HORSE RACE Line up and odds:


In lane 1. Passionate Lady @ 2 to1
In lane 2. Bare Belly @ 4 to 1
In lane 3. Silk Panties @ 8 to 1
In lane 4. Conscience @ 100 t0 1
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts @ 10 to 1
In lane 6. Clean Sheets @ 25 to 1
In lane 7. Thighs @ 15 to 1
In lane 8. Big Dick @ 2 to 5
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom @ 12 to 1
In lane 10. Merry Cherry @ 50 to 1


AND THEY'RE OFF!!!


Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and
Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.


AT THE HALFWAY MARK:


It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and
Big Dick is pushing in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.


AT THE TURN


Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
Silk Panties and Jockey shorts are no longer in the picture
Bare Belly is making a final push.
Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.


AT THE STRETCH:


It's Big Dick taking charge
Passionate Lady continues to take all Big Dick can offer.
Bare Belly buckles under the pressure
As Thighs are forced wide


AT THE FINISH


It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes
through with one final thrust and wins by a head
Bare Belly shows
Thighs continue to fall back
Heavy Bosom pulls up
And Clean Sheets never had a chance.

[bigbirdbird]

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-room mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)---an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff ... A Prostitute Dad, ... sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant!!! Come here and give your old man a hug."

[bigbirdbird]

The Great Aussie Love Poem


Of Course I Love Ya Darling You're A Bloody Top Notch Bird
And When I Say You're Gorgeous I Mean Every Single Word


So Ya Bum Is On The Big Side I Dont Mind A Bit Of Flab
It Means That When I'm Ready There's Somethin' There To Grab


So Your Belly Isn't Flat No More I Tell Ya, I Don't Care
So Long As When I Cuddle Ya I Can Get My Arms Round There


No Sheila Who Is Your Age Has Nice Round Perky Breasts
They Just Gave Into Gravity But I Know Ya Did Ya Best


I'm Tellin Ya The Truth Now I Never Tell Ya Lies
I Think It's Very Sexy That You've Got Dimples On Ya Thighs


I Swear Upon Me Nannas Grave The Moment That We Met
I Thought U Was As Good As I Was Ever Gonna Get


No Matter Wot U Look Like I'll Always Love Ya Dear
Now Shut Up While The Footys On And Get Me Bloody Beer!

[S.B.Y.1]

[otamay]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

Bagus, very good Pak.

[warbird]

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old Aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was “TIMBUKTU”.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate…He stepped up to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,

Trekked a lonely caravan,

Men on camels two by two…..

Destination – TIMBUKTU.


The audience went crazy! No way could the old abo top that, they thought.

The old Aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited his poem:

Me and Tim a huntin”went,

Met three whores in a pop up tent,

They was three and we were two,

I bucked one, and TIMBUKTU.

[35cents]

awesome ones....!

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

[NastyThaiboy]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

good one pak, it's really true.

[ah rat]

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