Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Diabetes


I had gained considerable weight after quitting smoking.

My internist diagnosed Type 2 Diabetes and put me on a rigid diet.

I stuck to the diet carefully and after a couple of months I returned for a check-up having lost 15 pounds. "I feel great," I said, "younger and full of pep. Why, when I spoke to your receptionist sitting there in that low-cut blouse, I felt like going down on her and eating her here in your office."

"That would have been all right," smiled the doctor, "It's only 85 calories."

[bigbirdbird]

Confessional


There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”

[bigbirdbird]

Murphy's Laws on Sex

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories. [but, it uses some]

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

[bigbirdbird]

For Her Birthday



A fellow was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts


Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time. Julie says, "I should warn you, I've got acute angina." Ted replies, "Your breasts aren't bad either."



Justice is like an orgasm: it can never come too late.



A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for only $10 -- lobster?"



Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.


There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. The results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big.
10% of women think their ass is too little.
The other 5% say that they don't care. They love him and would have married him anyway.

[bigbirdbird]

Application for Sterilization





Dear Sir
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. I’ve been married for seven years, have seven children and have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless.

After getting married I was told to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the tango and mamba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the cha cha cha. In any case, where do you get a band at 5 o’clock in the morning?

A doctor suggested we use the safe period. At the time we were living with in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn’t work.

A lady of several years’ experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It’s hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but I did finish up with a clear skin, silky hair, and my wife pregnant.

Another old wive’s tale was if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. After constant breast feeding from my earlier attempts, if my my wife jumped up and down she would end up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself unconscious.

I asked the chemist about the sheath. The chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet.

My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb, as the chemist showed me, can prevent babies. My wife was then supplied with the coil but, after several attempts to fit it, we realized we had got a left-hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all but, alas, it did give my wife severe headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally, we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out then we realized we were doing it wrong. My wife then started putting it between her knees, thus preventing me getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot the pill.

You must appreciate my problem. If this operation is unsuccessful I will just have to revert to oral sex, although talking about it can never be a substitute for the real thing.

Yours faithfully

[bigbirdbird]

A new woman joins their Golf Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay. " She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

After a pause, she continued, "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

[bigbirdbird]

The Perfect Woman Would Say.....

1. I'll swallow it all....I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!

5. God... .f I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

12. I'll be out painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

24. That was a great fart! Do another one!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

[S.B.Y.1]

In a Nursery School Canteen...
There's a basket of apples with a notice written over it :
"Do not take more than one, God is watching"
On the other counter there's a box of chocolates,
A small child went & wrote on it.
"Take as many as you want, God is busy watching the apples"...
NEVER ACT SMART WITH Today's Generation..!.!

KID :- Why some of your hair are white dad...?
DAD : – Every time you make me unhappy , one of my hair turns white…
KID :- Now understand why grandpa’s hairs are all white…
Moral :- Don’t be over smart...

Child : Mummy why Gandhi has no hair on his head...?
Mummy : Because he speak only truth...
Child : Now I understood why ladies have long hair...

Now Ultimate

Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.
Logic!!

[Sandaliser]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A new woman joins their Golf Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay. " She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

After a pause, she continued, "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Hahahaa I like this!

[diputs1269]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

In a Nursery School Canteen...
There's a basket of apples with a notice written over it :
"Do not take more than one, God is watching"
On the other counter there's a box of chocolates,
A small child went & wrote on it.
"Take as many as you want, God is busy watching the apples"...
NEVER ACT SMART WITH Today's Generation..!.!

KID :- Why some of your hair are white dad...?
DAD : – Every time you make me unhappy , one of my hair turns white…
KID :- Now understand why grandpa’s hairs are all white…
Moral :- Don’t be over smart...

Child : Mummy why Gandhi has no hair on his head...?
Mummy : Because he speak only truth...
Child : Now I understood why ladies have long hair...

Now Ultimate

Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.
Logic!!

Hahaha....very smart jokes here, I like. Thanks Pak!

[Inkagu]

Thanks for a great thread here, please continue sharing

Not sure if posted before...

Two Hokkien pengs, Ah Beng and Ah Seng, got promoted from privates to corporals.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Ah Beng says, "Eh, Seng ah, there's the NCO Club. Let's go inside and togo."

"But we all is plivate only, mah," protests Ah Seng.

"No, we all is copler now," says Ah Beng, pulling him inside.

Once inside the pub, Ah Beng says, "Okay, let's order some beer and togo!"

"But we all is plivate!" says Ah Seng.

"Piang eh, you cannot see, meh?" says Ah Beng, pointing to his stripes. "We all is copler now!"

After leaving the NCO club, Ah Beng and Ah Seng go to Geylang.

There, Ah Beng whistles at a hooker, but the hooker says, "Sorry, hor. Tonight cannot because I got gonorrhea."

Ah Beng pulls Ah Seng to the side and say, "Eh, you go and check the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. It it's okay, give me the okay sign."

Ah Seng goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Ah Beng a big thumbs-up.

Three weeks later, Ah Beng is in the hospital with a severe case of gonorrhea.

"Ni na beh," he scolds Ah Seng. "Why you tell me it's okay?"

"Not my fault!" says Ah Seng. "In the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects the privates."

Then he points to his stripes: "But we is copler now, mah!"

[Sainaga]

Originally Posted by KittMan

Not sure if posted before...

Two Hokkien pengs, Ah Beng and Ah Seng, got promoted from privates to corporals.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Ah Beng says, "Eh, Seng ah, there's the NCO Club. Let's go inside and togo."

"But we all is plivate only, mah," protests Ah Seng.

"No, we all is copler now," says Ah Beng, pulling him inside.

Once inside the pub, Ah Beng says, "Okay, let's order some beer and togo!"

"But we all is plivate!" says Ah Seng.

"Piang eh, you cannot see, meh?" says Ah Beng, pointing to his stripes. "We all is copler now!"

After leaving the NCO club, Ah Beng and Ah Seng go to Geylang.

There, Ah Beng whistles at a hooker, but the hooker says, "Sorry, hor. Tonight cannot because I got gonorrhea."

Ah Beng pulls Ah Seng to the side and say, "Eh, you go and check the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. It it's okay, give me the okay sign."

Ah Seng goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Ah Beng a big thumbs-up.

Three weeks later, Ah Beng is in the hospital with a severe case of gonorrhea.

"Ni na beh," he scolds Ah Seng. "Why you tell me it's okay?"

"Not my fault!" says Ah Seng. "In the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects the privates."

Then he points to his stripes: "But we is copler now, mah!"

Nice share bro, thanks!!

[bigbirdbird]