husband leaving me, please advise

[naturegreen]

Haha bro KingEros! Great words coming out from a wise experienced man.

[see see only]

HI SIS,

PLEASE HANG ON JUST DONT SIGN ANY PAPER. GIVE YOURSELF & HIM TIME - u posted here becos you wanted an answer on what you should do now. BUT why now? why are both of you rushing for an so-called solution when both of you cant even think well.

He - acting cool and dont care because he is the one who brought out this, he will lose so-called face if he cannot get a solution fast. SO? cool him down let him reconsidered what he had proposed again & again, just dont give him answer.

You - I know, is super hard but keep a simple & clear mind - You are not going to make a decision now remember. And ask him & his so-called gf to cool down as well. Such things need time to rethink & rethink, let them live together if they wanted to BOTH OF THEM WILL SLOWLY MISS THEIR KIDS

If he want to move out, let him. He will rethink of himself and finally cool down. Simply ask him not to rush his decision. Should he come back then forget & forgive, both of you should be mature enough to accept this chapter in life.

Case study:-
My ex-wife dump me out of the house when my business failed - we both did a lot things to hurt each other out of anger. For more than 3 years i hated her, now i dont i somehow pity her.

I remember this 2-3 years after, my two kids grew up and when they are 6 & 7, they asked me why I left mom? I told them your mommy dont want me becos I have no money. Then the next week when i bring them out every sunday, guess what - they both quietly took out their piggy bank and pass to me - and ask me to go back to them.

Tell your hubby, I broke down & cry the whole day - I TOLD them I wish it did not happened but now sorry i cant.

I worked for them real hard - I owned a multi million worth company now but so. I can buy anything they pointed at now but I missed out all the joy a normal father can get. I owned them.

Me no christian but a god believer - GOD created us to reproduce and a real human duty starts when we started to have kids. Tell him & his gf to rethink, yourself as well - just dont rush to anything now - make sure your decision eventually = no regret

[Berry]

Both you and your husband should go thru a counselling course(best is those from religious institution, there will sure be a reason why he feel he dont love you anymore. If you dont go thru the counselling session, you will never know if it can patch you back.

Divorce is never an option in my belief, especially bad for your kids...

[bed69man]

Hi, read abt ur situation and i personally think, you should be looking at who's interest you are keen at.

1. With parent going apart, the BIGGEST suffering guy will be the kids. Do "FEEL" for him before your decide.
2. What is holding your back? is LOVE or RESPONSIBILITY?
3. He have no feeling over you, due to, he found a better place to (ENJOY) or.. he felt for someone else, he got to understand, SHE is also married with kids, she will not forgo her family because of him.
4. Best, let sit down and trash all item out. always ask yourself, who suffer the MOST and who are your suppose to "PROTECT".

I hope my 1 cents comment does help you to zoom in on where to start solving it.

Look forward, tomorrow is always better then today

[Oralcraz]

Originally Posted by adviseme

as for my son. i know for a fact that he looks forward to having a complete family everyday. husband comes home late (about 9pm, in time for quality time and family prayer before lights off) and i can see the difference in his behaviour. when daddy is home, he will be more animated and happier and he idolises his father. i see his attachment for his dad growing each day and he will ask for his father all the time. in fact when my husband hugged me on staurday night after our "arrangement talk", my son joined in and we had a group hug. the fact that i am losing this fight to keep the family together is tearing my heart. i suspect my son has figured as much that something is wrong. he has asked me why i was unhappy, is it because of daddy? when i asked him why he thought so, he said it was because every time you talk to daddy, you cry. my heart ached for him. being only 5, he tries hard to cheer me up whenever i seem depressed by making me cards and writing me i-love-you notes. but what can i offer him in return now?

I am absolutely sorry for you. I tear when I read the above. I feel for yr son. Even when I'm typing this, my eyes are a little wet as I really feel for him... and b'cos of him, something came into my mind. Have you ever asking yr son to talk to his dad? I am not talking about using him as a "weapon" but he may be the saviour to yr marriage. Or vis-versa, have you ask yr hubby to explain to yr son as he is responsible to do so? Sometimes love for the child could be a miracle. Yes, he may be only 5, but still, end of the day, he has the right to know.

I'm 46, married 19 yrs. Almost divorce during the 6 or 7 yrs period. But it was because of kids, that I decided to "by hook or by crook" live thru the marriage life. To some maybe foolish, but what's on my mind then was the love for the kids. They are here today because of us(wife/hubby). I cannot be so irresponsible and selfish. How I'm/we, (wife and me) is going to live our life is another issue. Kids are innocent and should be given the chance to live a healthy, normal growing up yrs.

Take care and may God bless you all and hopefully may God help you open up his eyes that's "blind" to yr true love.

[darrendon]

I am sorry to hear that your husband had an affair. But then to be fair to him, he is just making a mistake that all men will make. It is only a matter of whether the man can self control and have a high level of commitment towards family. Since he cried in front of you, usually it means that he know he's wrong and he still cares for your feelings. If not, he won't even cry cause he won't feel sad. I believe he is just being covered by his desire, his lust.

In a marriage, love usually evolves into more than plain love. It becomes a commitment towards a family. The love had change into family love more than just couple love. There is difference. I believe he doesn't want to break up this family too. It's a mistake on his part and he knows it. And I believe he regreted it as well. Go for conselling is the best option. And give him sometime to settle down his thoughts. We are all humans and we make mistakes. I believe he is just being confused for the timebeing.

[analog]

Originally Posted by adviseme

Do skip my post if you are not interested but please do not flame me. I am just a desperate woman with nowhere to turn to.

I have been reading some threads from this forum and have been touched by the sincerity of some brothers here and how they offer their help and advice unconditionally. I do not want to go to some cosy forum of weepy women who talk about women's rights. I need advice from the more "mature" crowd who may have gone through my situation and can give me proper advice, from a male perspective, no matter how much pain it might cause me.

Pardon me if this is lengthy but I believe that a full picture is required before any advice can be given.

Me (39) and husband (41) do have our share of ups and downs, having struggled with a 5 yo son. But things have been better now because son is older and less dependent on us. We hardly have any disagreement cos he is always busy at work and I try not to waste our precious time together fighting over trivial issues.

He started his cold treatment towards me for almost 18 months. I believed him when he said it was because of work as he still was the responsible father and husband although he minimised physical contact with me. Sex was at best twice a month and the last time we did it was 2 months ago. I am not an unattractive woman. I jog and work out regularly and have been accosted by men in the gym.

I have tried to talk to him about the cold treatment but he denied problems. Just told me not to think too much. 6 months ago, he finally told me he doesnt feel the same anymore, but denied that there was anybody else. He said he was staying on because of our son. Despite the hurt, I continued to try to make it work. Put up with his cold shoulder, tried to spend more time with him etc. Our relationship had been cordial, share jokes, have meals together, go out as a family etc.

He finally came clean today. He has been sleeping with a colleague for almost a year now. She is also married, with a young child, has no problem with her husband. He told me that I have been a good mother and wife and there was no push factor for his affair. He said they were compatible as they have the same character. He does not expect to marry her but decided to come clean as he is tired of hiding and lying.

I cried but did not lose my composure. Maybe his months of indifference has prepared me for this. I calmly sat down with him and offered him 2 alternatives:

1. split up with her, and we go for counselling. I know I need help to get over this betrayal as much as he needs help to overcome this.

2. he move out, we file for divorce.

He cried with me but told me that it was too late. He told me that even if I have him physically, I cant have his heart cos even though he still cared, he doesnt love me anymore.

My world fell apart.

I still love him, despite everything and am willing to forgive and move on. I also do not want to hurt my son with any selfish action on my part. However, the other half of me told me to let him go and that I deserve better than a dysfunctional family like this.

The strange thing is, after the emotional discussion about arrangements (he will find a place and move out within 2 weeks) we hugged and cried together. I told him to indulge me just this once and he actually made effort to hold my hand and my waist when we went for dinner together.

I am lost. As he lay there sleeping soundly next to me (no we did not have sex prior to that) I tossed and turned. I cant sleep. I cant let him go. I know deep inside his mind, he still cared for me and for the family. He is just clouded by this unattainable love. I am even contemplating taking him back and wait out his affair.

What should I do?

I am really sorry that this post is so long. So sorry but I really need advice.

Hi Advise me:

Ok, read you situation and here is my take.
1. it takes 2 hands to clap,
2. There are 2 sides to every story.

I suggest counselling. You need to find out WHY he felt the need to have the other woman, and I caution you here, you may not like what you find out......about yourself. Or, he may just be a Bill Clinton type of nassistic bastard but usually the reality is somewhere in between.

If you just try and blame him for everything, you'll get no where and just get depressed. You need to look in the mirror very critically. There are reasons for everything.

Questions you must answer:
1. How was sex life?
You need to be honest with yourself about this. Twice a month is crap, sorry. Twice a week is ok but not ideal. You need to be fucking regularly and enjoyably with a bit of variety, it should be like food, you need and hunger for each other. Was it like that?
2. Did you tell him your deepest sexual fantasy and did he tell you his?
This is important as it means you talk ans share your secrets.
3. Did you do anything sexually wild together?
Stuff like doing it in the park, slipping out into the back room of a party, stuff like that.

There was an article in the Straights Times a year or so back from a marriage counsillor that simply laid down the law:
A couple MUST have sex often. if they do, the relationship is fine, if they don't...doom.

This is some advice to the ladies reading this board:
If you want your man NOT to look at other women, keep his sack empty.
What does that mean? if your man is regularly serviced sex wise he won't stray simply because he can't. Women are physically able to fuck almost continuously if they want, men can't. If his sack is emptied daily or every second day, he'll be all fucked out. Keep the sex a bit interesting but there it is. Yes, yes, yes, I know, women's lib, blah, blah, blah. If you want to be a feminist, you'll die alone and miserable as feminists do. Most feminists hate men so don't listen to them. Men are simple creatures, they want food and sex. You, as a wife, should concentrate on the sex, food can get at a coffee shop.

I'm in the same situation with you except my wife is married to her work. it will have to come to a head at some time or another. Your situation has come to a head now.

Do the counsilling and good luck.

Cheers,
jim

[Frankiestine]

Dear TS, do not lose heart, I strongly believe that things are workable between you and your husband. The fact that he confess means he feels guilt and the fact that he cried over this issue with you means it too hurts him to leave you. The fact that the other woman does not intend to leave her family for him makes me only wonder why your husband chose to leave you in the first place. He's wanting to leave is perhaps down to the fact that he feels that he is no longer good enough for you because of his betrayal and cannot bring himself to forgive himself.

I suggest you give each other some room and time to cool things down let him sort out his thoughts. I strongly believe he does not really want to leave you guys. I know because I have been in a similar situation.

[Frankiestine]

Originally Posted by Bangster

Sheesh...

I did not know we have so many damn counsellors here in SBF!!

I really thought we were just a bunch of happy fuckers!!

But we are a bunch of happy fuckers with conscience....

[Frankiestine]

Originally Posted by Spanner

But God did not agree with us, HE lead us to this course for troubled couples which is called "Marriage Encounter". Its a weekend stay in retreat for married couples, started by the Catholic Community. But trust me, you will see all sorts of religions. Malay couples, Hindu couples, Taoism couples and many more.

It is a Catholic program called Retrouvaille....I have been thru it but I guess my heart wasn't in it cos then I was still "bewitched"...

[corny123]

Originally Posted by adviseme

hello corny123

in a way i am envious of your mom. her efforts bore fruits.

my husband seems determined to go. i guess i need to have the grace to accept his decision and move on. all these seem so surreal. i am not prepared for it and not sure what to do next.

i wish i were in his position, looking forward to a happier future. now my future seems bleak and i have to make it otherwise, for my son's sake.

i wish your mom would talk to me too... cos till now i dare not beak the news to mine. she wont be able to take it.

i feel real alone in this pain. that is why i know i need to see a counsellor quick before this snowballs into something else.

thanks again

Dear Adviseme,

Please please please don't do anything stupid(committing suicide, slid your wrist, hang yourself, drug overdose etc). I was with SPF for my NS, and encounter many cases where the wife committed suicide because of marriage failure, and some even jumped right infront of me, which my partner and myself did not managed to catch her in time. In your current state and condition, it is highly possible that you might do something inevitable. IF you ever think of committing suicide, and have no one to turn to( I hope not), dial 999 and mention to the operator that you wish to commit suicide. Let the police handcuff you, and bring you back to the station, and bring you to IMH for psychology assessment. During the process, you will feel calm and will think better. This is WAY better, than your son losing you but of course, the hassle and charges pressed against you, this is the last resort.

Please talk to someone, your mum, your dad, you siblings, your best friend about it, so that when you're thinking of anything stupid, give them a call, meet them, cry or shout your heart out. Please think of your son, and remember that you're not alone. You have us here, you can PM anyone of us if you wish to meet in person and just talk. You can PM me too, my girlfriend and myself will personally drive down your place to, just listen to you. BTW, my girlfriend empathise your situation as well, after i asked her to read your post. Though my girlfriend is not a psychologist, but she majors in psychology and sociology. She may not give the best of advises, but we can be your listening ear.

It took my mum closed to 6 years before my father finally feel her. Its not just a simple talk and resolve issue, but it takes a long time to cultivate the feelings with your action. But, your husband and my father is not the same person. I don't know how determine your husband is. I hope it turns out for the better, but it doesn't, its not the end of your life Ok.

God bless your pure soul.

[petrolheadsg]

Originally Posted by adviseme

Do skip my post if you are not interested but please do not flame me. I am just a desperate woman with nowhere to turn to.

I have been reading some threads from this forum and have been touched by the sincerity of some brothers here and how they offer their help and advice unconditionally. I do not want to go to some cosy forum of weepy women who talk about women's rights. I need advice from the more "mature" crowd who may have gone through my situation and can give me proper advice, from a male perspective, no matter how much pain it might cause me.

Pardon me if this is lengthy but I believe that a full picture is required before any advice can be given.

Me (39) and husband (41) do have our share of ups and downs, having struggled with a 5 yo son. But things have been better now because son is older and less dependent on us. We hardly have any disagreement cos he is always busy at work and I try not to waste our precious time together fighting over trivial issues.

He started his cold treatment towards me for almost 18 months. I believed him when he said it was because of work as he still was the responsible father and husband although he minimised physical contact with me. Sex was at best twice a month and the last time we did it was 2 months ago. I am not an unattractive woman. I jog and work out regularly and have been accosted by men in the gym.

I have tried to talk to him about the cold treatment but he denied problems. Just told me not to think too much. 6 months ago, he finally told me he doesnt feel the same anymore, but denied that there was anybody else. He said he was staying on because of our son. Despite the hurt, I continued to try to make it work. Put up with his cold shoulder, tried to spend more time with him etc. Our relationship had been cordial, share jokes, have meals together, go out as a family etc.

He finally came clean today. He has been sleeping with a colleague for almost a year now. She is also married, with a young child, has no problem with her husband. He told me that I have been a good mother and wife and there was no push factor for his affair. He said they were compatible as they have the same character. He does not expect to marry her but decided to come clean as he is tired of hiding and lying.

I cried but did not lose my composure. Maybe his months of indifference has prepared me for this. I calmly sat down with him and offered him 2 alternatives:

1. split up with her, and we go for counselling. I know I need help to get over this betrayal as much as he needs help to overcome this.

2. he move out, we file for divorce.

He cried with me but told me that it was too late. He told me that even if I have him physically, I cant have his heart cos even though he still cared, he doesnt love me anymore.

My world fell apart.

I still love him, despite everything and am willing to forgive and move on. I also do not want to hurt my son with any selfish action on my part. However, the other half of me told me to let him go and that I deserve better than a dysfunctional family like this.

The strange thing is, after the emotional discussion about arrangements (he will find a place and move out within 2 weeks) we hugged and cried together. I told him to indulge me just this once and he actually made effort to hold my hand and my waist when we went for dinner together.

I am lost. As he lay there sleeping soundly next to me (no we did not have sex prior to that) I tossed and turned. I cant sleep. I cant let him go. I know deep inside his mind, he still cared for me and for the family. He is just clouded by this unattainable love. I am even contemplating taking him back and wait out his affair.

What should I do?

I am really sorry that this post is so long. So sorry but I really need advice.

I shall preface this first with a few questions...what do you want? what are you willing to give?

Your story has a remarkable number of areas that I can personally identify with ie age group, children, faith(?), both of you are attractive, etc

I wished my spouse had actually posted something like this seeking a man's perspective when a similar event happened to us years ago. I am glad you came here and am more than happy to share my thoughts in the hope that it will help you regain the passion you once shared (or even better than ever before) and the family you so treasure.

If you wish you may pm me to chat further. I think this conversation is much better handled in that manner...and no ...I am NOT hitting on you. I could easily have pm you directly instead of posting this first.

[Frankiestine]

Adviseme, take it from a "guo lai ren" the grass is never greener on the other side. I thought that it was and made the heartless move to divorce my ex-oc. Now that I had taken up a new life with the other woman, it is just another set of problems...many brothers knows about my issue with my current oc. If you ask me did I regret leaving my ex-oc. Yes, when I think back of the hurt that i had caused her, frankly I am ashamed of myself. When I look at my daughter from my first marriage, my heart hurts. Not only because of me leaving her at such a young tender age but also of the way she has grown up, reserved and I am almost a complete stranger to her. If I can move time back, I would have thought through thoroughly on the divorce move....

[petrolheadsg]

Originally Posted by analog

Hi Advise me:

Ok, read you situation and here is my take.
1. it takes 2 hands to clap,
2. There are 2 sides to every story.

I suggest counselling. You need to find out WHY he felt the need to have the other woman, and I caution you here, you may not like what you find out......about yourself. Or, he may just be a Bill Clinton type of nassistic bastard but usually the reality is somewhere in between.

If you just try and blame him for everything, you'll get no where and just get depressed. You need to look in the mirror very critically. There are reasons for everything.

Questions you must answer:
1. How was sex life?
You need to be honest with yourself about this. Twice a month is crap, sorry. Twice a week is ok but not ideal. You need to be fucking regularly and enjoyably with a bit of variety, it should be like food, you need and hunger for each other. Was it like that?
2. Did you tell him your deepest sexual fantasy and did he tell you his?
This is important as it means you talk ans share your secrets.
3. Did you do anything sexually wild together?
Stuff like doing it in the park, slipping out into the back room of a party, stuff like that.

There was an article in the Straights Times a year or so back from a marriage counsillor that simply laid down the law:
A couple MUST have sex often. if they do, the relationship is fine, if they don't...doom.

This is some advice to the ladies reading this board:
If you want your man NOT to look at other women, keep his sack empty.
What does that mean? if your man is regularly serviced sex wise he won't stray simply because he can't. Women are physically able to fuck almost continuously if they want, men can't. If his sack is emptied daily or every second day, he'll be all fucked out. Keep the sex a bit interesting but there it is. Yes, yes, yes, I know, women's lib, blah, blah, blah. If you want to be a feminist, you'll die alone and miserable as feminists do. Most feminists hate men so don't listen to them. Men are simple creatures, they want food and sex. You, as a wife, should concentrate on the sex, food can get at a coffee shop.

I'm in the same situation with you except my wife is married to her work. it will have to come to a head at some time or another. Your situation has come to a head now.

Do the counsilling and good luck.

Cheers,
jim

Jim, you are not far from the truth...the other ingredient I would add is the emotional glue that can be gotten from care and affection.
Sex is important...and for us men, we often see that as an extension of care and affection as well.

Yes sex in itself can be wonderful and provided mechanically by others but we want the same or better from our spouses...and why not? Is this not why very often we look for providers who can give that GFE? :-)

[Medusa]

*hugz* *pat* adviseme

sis..how about meeting up some friends and relax urself

im having a kopi session this friday...wanna join us TCSS?