Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[369kiew]

Good jokes, thanks for sharing

[JJMagic]

just love all these jokes shared, sure hoping there will be much more.

[35cents]

another nice one TS!

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

The Legless Parrot and the Troubled Man


A guy is having marital problems.

He and the wife are not communicating at all, and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.

The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.

Surprised he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my prick, you dummy."

The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."

The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well-educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you wish."

The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."

The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great.

When he comes home from work the parrot tells him what Obama said, whether the A's won, or the Giant's lost, what the pope did and so on.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says,

"Come in and shut the door."

The guy says, "What's up?"

The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."

The guy says, "He did?"

The parrot says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."

The guy says, "My God, what happened next?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

[bigbirdbird]

Originally Posted by 35cents

another nice one TS!

Thanks Bro For Support ... Too Bad I'm Not The TS

Here's One For You




A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;

1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,

2.) or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and

3.) never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."

The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it?" asks mom.

"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"

"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"

"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"

"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"

"Not exactly mom, see it was like that.

First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped.

Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped.

Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said, and he then took his hands out and said; "What a coincidence, I happen
to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!""

"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"

"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me "taste it" to see if it was cooked or not."

[bigbirdbird]

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination.

She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room.

Doctor instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm".

He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.

"Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."

The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

[bigbirdbird]

A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep.

So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked them to show him the ropes. The shepherds agreed.

The young man spent a week with them. One evening by the fire he asked casually,"So how do you guys get by with no women around here?"

Said one of the men,"Why, with so many sheep around, who needs women?"

The youngster shuddered: "Yak! How horrible! How can you...?" The three men only smiled and said nothing.

Another week passed and one morning the young man realized that the tension in his groin had grown unbearable.

He remembered what the men had said, and looking at the sheep, thought, "Hmm, why not after all...".

He chose a moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed one of the nearest sheep. However, the others showed up in a minute, and seeing him with the sheep burst out laughing.

"What? What?!!", shouted the young man, blushing. "You told me that's what you did yourselves, didn't you??!"

"Yeah, sure! But to choose the ugliest one??!"

[bigbirdbird]

A young girl goes to her doctor very embarrassed with a problem downstairs! after a lot of persuasion the doctor finally gets her to remove her knickers which reveals that the girl has three vaginas!!!

One on the left one as usual in the middle and one to the right.

The doctor is very perplexed and scratches his head muttering things under his breath and disappears into the pharmacy next door.

He comes back a few minutes later and opens up a pack of waterproof plasters.

He takes two plasters out and places one over the right hand side vagina and the other over the left hand sided vagina.

The young girl asks the doctor "will this cure me doctor"?

The doctor replies, "No, but it will stop you getting fucked left, right and centre".

[bigbirdbird]

A young couple in love finally got all approvals and set their wedding date.

The frisky bride-to-be cuddles up to her fiancee and said, "Darling, you know I want to fulfill this fantasy of mine to make love before we get married. Could we?"

"But it's not long until June, dear," The cautious groom-to-be replied .

"Oh," she exclaimed. "And how long will it be in June, you think?"


************


A young couple is on their honeymoon. After start having great sex, he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

"We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where the heck do YOU think you're going?"

"Nowhere, sweetheart," he says. "Turn over."

[bigbirdbird]

A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head "no."

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"



*********


A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."

[bigbirdbird]

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over.

Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you ? You look as if you're about to kill someone."

"I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."

[bigbirdbird]

A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous. An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen, His testicles on either side, his willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal. But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast, It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't. A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach, A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and care, for it will give great pleasure. I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought; Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see, But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe. That's just some 'old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.

Without this super organ, no shag would be complete. Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree: To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute, Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail. Don' it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail.

[bigbirdbird]

After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results.

"Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you."

"The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor.

"The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam."

"Great!" the man shouted, "What is the bad news?"

"It's malignant," replied the doctor.

[bigbirdbird]

After several years of serving the church in a far away land a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bonx New York.

Upon his arrival he set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes.

On his way a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks."

The priest glares at her confused and says "What's a blow job?..."

The woman is just as confused and says "What are you a comedian!" and walks off.

The priest undaunted walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats, "Hey mister blow job 25 bucks."

The priest quickly replies "What is this blow job!?"

The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off.

The priest now very curious returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly this thing he's never heard of is.

The first door he sees as he enters the church is that of Mother Superior.

The priest knocks on the door and Mother Superior invites him in to take a seat.

The priest looks at Mother Superior and says "I have a question - What is a blow job?"

Mother Superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper....

"Same as on the outside.... 25 Bucks.... "

[bigbirdbird]

After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a British newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about the soldiers homecoming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met Pekka on the street.

"Excuse me," she said, "were you in the war?"

"Yah, I was in the infantry."

"Would you mind answering a few questions for a newspaper article?"

"Nej, I wouldn't mind at all."

"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did?"

"I fucked my wife," Pekka said bluntly.

The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the subject.

"After that, I mean. What did you do after that?"

"I fucked her again," he answered.

The journalist turned an even darker shade of red. "Other than that! Uh - what did you do when you were finished with all that?"

"Then I took off my skis, my heavy backpack and ate."

[bigbirdbird]

After an all-night party a hung over young gay is feeling very sore in the posterior.

Going to his proctologist, he's surprised when the doctor announces, "Young man, did you know that you have a dozen roses up here?"

Turning excitedly, the gay cried, "Oooh . . .read the card! Read the card!"