Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A girl says to her date, "You're in for a real treat. I've been told that I have a body like New Jersey."

So, her date grabs her waist and asks, "What's this?"

She replies "Middlesex."

He grabs her butt and asks "what's this?"

She replies,"Freehold."

Then he grabs her breast and asks "what's this?"

She replies,"Point Pleasant."

Finally, he reaches between her thighs and says, "I guess this is Cherry Hill?"

"No", she replies, "That's Eatontown."

The guy gets so excited that he pulls down his pants and says, "Welcome to Wildwood!"

[bigbirdbird]

A man had been in a terrible car accident, and woke up in the hospital. Looking around, he noticed a doctor leaning over his bed. "Jesus doc," the man exclaimed, "what happened. Where am I."

The doctor replied "You have been in a bad car accident, and you're in the hospital, but don't worry, you're going to be all right. The bad news is that we had to amputate your right arm, above the elbow."

"Oh no," the man screamed. "I'd rather be dead. I can't go through life without my arm. Please doc, kill me. I can't go on like this........"

"Now son," said the doctor, "with the miracles of modern medicine today, we can give you a Bionic Arm. Only costs one million dollars, and it looks and works just like the real thing. Nobody will ever know it's not your own arm."

"Yeah, great," the man groaned. "And where the hell am I gonna get a million bucks. I'm better off dead."

"Hang on now," said the doctor. "We've been looking for a case like yours for a while now. We just came up with a new arm. For only ten thousand dollars, you can have it. It looks just like the more expensive one, but the only difference is that this one has a small microphone built into it, and you have to TELL the arm what to do. Other than that, it works just like the other one."

"Well," the guy says, "I can probably afford ten grand. Go ahead, sew it on."

The next day, the guy woke up in the same bed, and saw the doctor leaning over him again. "Well, doc, how did it go? Is everything all right?"

"We think that the operation was a success," replied the surgeon, "but you will have to try it out, and let us know if there are any problems with it."

Later on in the day, the guy was lying in bed, practicing with his new arm. "Lift up," he commanded. The arm lifted up. "Move right." The arm moved to the right. "Move left." The arm moved to the left. Everything seemed to be working without a hitch, and he was really pleased. All of a sudden, he had the urge to go to the bathroom.

He hopped out of bed, and proceeded into the john. "Arm, reach down and undo my zipper." The arm obeyed. "Take out my Wang." The arm obeyed flawlessly. The guy had his leak, and when he was done, he commanded, "Shake it." The arm gave it a little shake. "No, shake it harder!" The arm gave it a good shake. "Hey," the guy said, "that feels pretty good......jerk it off."

[35cents]

hilarious! nice one dude!

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A man had been in a terrible car accident, and woke up in the hospital. Looking around, he noticed a doctor leaning over his bed. "Jesus doc," the man exclaimed, "what happened. Where am I."

The doctor replied "You have been in a bad car accident, and you're in the hospital, but don't worry, you're going to be all right. The bad news is that we had to amputate your right arm, above the elbow."

"Oh no," the man screamed. "I'd rather be dead. I can't go through life without my arm. Please doc, kill me. I can't go on like this........"

"Now son," said the doctor, "with the miracles of modern medicine today, we can give you a Bionic Arm. Only costs one million dollars, and it looks and works just like the real thing. Nobody will ever know it's not your own arm."

"Yeah, great," the man groaned. "And where the hell am I gonna get a million bucks. I'm better off dead."

"Hang on now," said the doctor. "We've been looking for a case like yours for a while now. We just came up with a new arm. For only ten thousand dollars, you can have it. It looks just like the more expensive one, but the only difference is that this one has a small microphone built into it, and you have to TELL the arm what to do. Other than that, it works just like the other one."

"Well," the guy says, "I can probably afford ten grand. Go ahead, sew it on."

The next day, the guy woke up in the same bed, and saw the doctor leaning over him again. "Well, doc, how did it go? Is everything all right?"

"We think that the operation was a success," replied the surgeon, "but you will have to try it out, and let us know if there are any problems with it."

Later on in the day, the guy was lying in bed, practicing with his new arm. "Lift up," he commanded. The arm lifted up. "Move right." The arm moved to the right. "Move left." The arm moved to the left. Everything seemed to be working without a hitch, and he was really pleased. All of a sudden, he had the urge to go to the bathroom.

He hopped out of bed, and proceeded into the john. "Arm, reach down and undo my zipper." The arm obeyed. "Take out my Wang." The arm obeyed flawlessly. The guy had his leak, and when he was done, he commanded, "Shake it." The arm gave it a little shake. "No, shake it harder!" The arm gave it a good shake. "Hey," the guy said, "that feels pretty good......jerk it off."

[bigbirdbird]

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society.

After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"

"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."

"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."

[bigbirdbird]

10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School

1. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.

2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.

3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.

4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to.

5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.

6. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress.

7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.

8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.

9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.

10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless

[PlanetCola]

Love the jokes do continue TS

[madpig88]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society.

After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"

"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."

"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."

haha, very nice joke bro.

[maddog_mlvn]

Tks Bro Bird.

[spluder101]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A girl says to her date, "You're in for a real treat. I've been told that I have a body like New Jersey."

So, her date grabs her waist and asks, "What's this?"

She replies "Middlesex."

He grabs her butt and asks "what's this?"

She replies,"Freehold."

Then he grabs her breast and asks "what's this?"

She replies,"Point Pleasant."

Finally, he reaches between her thighs and says, "I guess this is Cherry Hill?"

"No", she replies, "That's Eatontown."

The guy gets so excited that he pulls down his pants and says, "Welcome to Wildwood!"

Singapore version would be this:

The guy gets so excited that he pulls down his pants and says, "Welcome to Woodlands!"

[TLFelect]

Tks Bro Bird for nice effort.

[suracailai]

Very good jokes, thx bro bigbird.

[CheryCute]

Originally Posted by spluder101

Singapore version would be this:

The guy gets so excited that he pulls down his pants and says, "Welcome to Woodlands!"

Hahaha that's true

[bigbirdbird]

A man called his doctor, and said "doc", you gotta come over here quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her twat.

The doctor said," okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her vagina untl i get over there".

The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her twat instead of cheese.

The doctor said,"what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese".

The man said,"I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up her snatch!

[bigbirdbird]

Newlyweds


A newly married couple had moved in their first house.

The following morning, the wife was cooking breakfast when her husband interrupted her by asking what she's doing.

She replied "I'm making breakfast".

The husband said "Oh, no, honey, we don't need that. We're going to live on Love alone."

He pushes the plates and forks off the table, lays her on top and proceeds to "eat" her.

They were both satisfied.

Noontime came and the husband saw his wife cooking.

He asked what she was doing and she replied "I'm making lunch."

He said "No, honey, we don't need that, we're going to live on Love alone."

He lays her on top of the table and proceeds to "eat" her.

They were both satisfied. Evening came and the husband saw his wife running up the stairs and sliding down the banister repeatedly. He asked her what she was doing. She replied "I'm warming up dinner."

[bigbirdbird]

Vocabulary

One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot, asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"

"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.

"Good, Jane." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?"

"How about a lollipop!" said Steven.

"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.

Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!"

The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"

“Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, ‘turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it’."