Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Proacted]

Very nice jokes, thanks bro bigbirdbird

[Rockefeller]

Nice joke...thank you bro bigbirdbird...

Here's a pic for you...

[bigbirdbird]

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.

A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "YEAH BABY! SHAKE THOSE THINGS."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "OH BABY! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!"

Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?"

The guy answered, "It's running down your back, dude."

[bigbirdbird]

During a recent survey, women were asked...

"What would you do if you woke up and had a penis?"

Here are their responses...

"I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."

"I would write my name in the snow."

"I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'"

"I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new."

"I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."

"I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed."

"I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."

"I would measure it both ways."

"Pee off of a tall building."

"I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."

"I would treat women better with it."

"I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."

"Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything."

"Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."

"I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."

"Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best."

"Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."

"See how many donuts I could carry with it."

"Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"

[bigbirdbird]

During the wedding reception in the family's southern mansion, the bride's Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it was for her and to keep it for "mad money, so she stuffed them in her gloves

By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in their historic plantation house.

Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs , and asked where she was going.

"I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that I have them."

"Oh you youngsters!" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands just like I did your Grandfather's."

[bigbirdbird]

Doug and Bill were discussing the new secretary at their office.

Doug to Bill: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later.

Bill to Doug: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but she sure isn't a lot better than your wife."

[bigbirdbird]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[bigbirdbird]

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class,"Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and replied, "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."

The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?"

Little Johnny countered by saying, "That's because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the guy's balls."

[bigbirdbird]

Rules To Determine If Sex Counts

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral Sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day, doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, doesn't count

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count

5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for this", doesn't count

7. An old flame, doesn't count

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count, refer to this as a "pity fuck"

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex...not cheating

10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation

11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating

13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet "...not cheating

16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it, it was public, right?)

17. Phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified masturbation"

18. In car, doesn't count, way too cramped, if vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count

21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count (not considered to be intimate)...not cheating

22. Any act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "being neighborly"

24. Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn't count

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count, this should be considered "getting acquainted".

26. An act with a US President doesn't count, unless the Senate votes impeachment.

27. Any act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.



SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!

[bigbirdbird]

Text from daughter to mom:
"Hello mom, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?"

Text from mom to daughter:
"It’s nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out."

Daughter back to mom:
"Oh my God, mom.......... sorry, I meant to spell gum."

[tora]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class,"Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and replied, "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."

The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?"

Little Johnny countered by saying, "That's because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the guy's balls."

Very nice and funny.

[hundu]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Text from daughter to mom:
"Hello mom, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?"

Text from mom to daughter:
"It’s nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out."

Daughter back to mom:
"Oh my God, mom.......... sorry, I meant to spell gum."

Very funny and nice.

[bigbirdbird]

Father Harris was motoring along a country lane in his parish on a spring afternoon when all of a sudden he got a flat tire.

Exasperated, the priest stopped his car, got out, and assessed the damage.

Luckily a four-wheel-drive jeep rounded the bend and pulled to a stop behind the crippled vehicle.
The door to the jeep opened and out stepped a powerful hunk of a man.

"Good afternoon, Father," greeted the stranger. "Can I give you a hand?"

"Heaven be praised," rejoiced the priest. "As you can see, my son, I have a flat tire, and I must admit I've never changed one before."

"Don't worry about it, Father. I'll take care of it."

And without skipping a beat, the bruiser picked up the front of the car with one hand and removed the lug nuts from the base of the flat tire with the other.

"Why don't you get the spare from the trunk?"

"Why, ahh, yes, of course, my son," stuttered the amazed Father Harris.

The priest rolled the spare around to the strong- man who casually lifted it up with his free hand, maneuvered it into place, and proceeded to tighten the lug nuts.

"Do you need the wrench?" the Father queried.

"That's OK," the fellow told him. "These nuts are as tight as a nun's snatch."

"Hmmmm..." mused Father Harris. "I'd better get the wrench."

[bigbirdbird]

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's" and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

[bigbirdbird]

NAME: Expecteria Trouserius (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and sub-species.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

MILKING THE SNAKE:

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the skill of the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect will make a wonderful pet.