Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Young Tim has just finished high school and, not being too bright, he wants to get a job at a local mechanic's workshop in Christchurch.

Tim spies this advert for a job in a Motor Spares Shop and hurries over. Unfortunately, when he steps in there are already 2 guys there before him.

Tim with tears in his eyes explains to the manager that he really needs the job. Manager looks at him and says, "You know what Tim - I'd really like to give you this job but see these two guys are here before you .. you're going to have be really something special to get this job you know!"

Tim thinks now, mmmm, and then he says, "well boss, there is one thing - if you take a spark plug and stick it into my arse - I can tell you what type of spark plug it is."

The manager goes "Wow .. that's something - lets test you out!"

So Tim turns around and drops his pants. The boss takes a Bosch spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... Bosch!!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, that's really something - but lets test you out again!"

He takes a NGK spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... NGK !!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, you're really good .. but, one more time - I need to be sure. "

Boss thinks now, lets catch this guy out! He unzips his pants, takes out his penis and sticks it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeeee .... Champion!!!"

[pitilon]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.



He said to her, “If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle.”



The wife was angry but said nothing.



The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, “If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”



The wife grabbed her husband’s penis and replied, “and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!”

Wahahaha good one!! Thanks

[madpig88]

Thanks for sharing all the jokes!

[bigbirdbird]

An attractive lady is waiting in the emergency room.

A doctor walks in to her room and asks her "What is the problem ma'am?"

The lady replies," Doctor, I have been having trouble with my asshole, it hurts really bad."

The doctor tells the woman, "Why don't you lay on your stomach so I can take a look at it, OK?"

So, the woman turns over and the doctor begins to examine her rear end.

After a while, the doctor asks the young lady, "Ma'am, have you had anal sex lately?"

The lady replies, "No, why?"

The doctor then says, "Would you like to?"

[bigbirdbird]

Bill's friend Harry went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, so he asked her to dance.

She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"

The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5.

Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"

Honest Harry replied: "Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

[bigbirdbird]

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society.

After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"

"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."

"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."

[bigbirdbird]

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a person.

Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."

~ Man gets in car without opening door for woman. - No foreplay.

~ Can't hail a cab. - Impotent.

~ Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. - Prefers virgins.

~ Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way. - He is a virgin.

- Wants go to a French Restaurant. - Will swallow.

~ Takes too long deciding what to order. - Has trouble reaching orgasm.

~ Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.

~ Asks what the specials are. - Will want you to use handcuffs.

~ Fills up on bread and crackers. - Premature ejaculator.

~ Drinks decaf. - Fakes orgasms.

~ Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. - Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

~ Credit card is refused. - Low sperm count.

~ Under tips waiter. - Small penis.

~ Uses toothpick. - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything

[bigbirdbird]

The Truth Behind Men's Phrases


"Haven't I seen you before?"
"Nice ass."


"I'm a Romantic."
"I'm poor."


"I need you."
"My hand is tired."


"I am different from all the other guys."
"I am not circumcised."


"I want a commitment."
"I'm sick of masturbation."


"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
"You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."


"I really want to get to know you better."
"So I can tell my friends about it."


"It's just orange juice, try it."
"Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."


"She's kinda cute."
"I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."


"I don't know if I like her."
"She won't sleep with me."


"I miss you so much."
"I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."


"Was it good for you?"
"I'm insecure about my manhood."


"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
"Is my penis really that small?"


"I had a wonderful time last night."
"Who the hell are you?"


"Do you love me?"
"I've done something stupid and you might find out."


"Do you 'really' love me?"
"I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."


"How much do you love me?"
"I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."


"I have something to tell you."
"Get tested."


"I'll give you a call."
"I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."


"I've been thinking a lot."
"You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."


"I think we should just be friends."
"You're ugly."


"I've learned a lot from you."
"Next!!!!"


"I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
"I gotta turn on my answering machine."

[BodyArtist]

Very good jokes, thanks!!

[bigbirdbird]

An old and favored servant of two maiden ladies had been frequently reprimanded by them for his free behavior with the female servants.

Caught one day in 'flagrante delicto,' he was summoned to their presence, and while the girl was sacked, he was told that if he did not do better and turn over a new leaf, much as they valued him--his next escapade would be his last.

He promised amendment and matters went on very well for a time.

One evening, he was not to be found when wanted, and, on a search being made, was discovered in the beer cellar, buggering the page boy.

"How now," he was asked, "is this your amendment? You promised to turn over a new leaf."

"So I have" said he, "only I have begun at the 'bottom of the page!'"

[bigbirdbird]

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.

One of them said, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."

"How did you get it fixed?" asked Ben.

"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."

Ben went home to the farm and decided to try it. He grabbed a cow, dipped his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all around the bull's nose.

The bull got a rip roaring boner and immediately jumped on the cow.

Ben was impressed. That night, he got into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lay sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it was nice and wet, rubbed it all around his nose and got a rip roaring hard on.

He quickly shook his wife awake and cried out, "Honey, look!"

She rolled over, turned on the light and said, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

[bigbirdbird]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that." says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!

[bigbirdbird]

While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone.

There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, nnd to have everyone buckle up.

Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off".

[bigbirdbird]

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners.

She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

[MartyMcFly]

Very good jokes, thanks!!