Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[lipe]

A former prostitute with a vagina that has been somewhat stretched from over-use, is given a proposal of marriage by a man she meets in a bar.

She thinks it over and she decides to accept his hand in marriage.

Her hole is rather capacious thanks to her former occupation, but she decides to approach the sensitive issue after they are married.

On their wedding night, she explains the problem by saying that when she was a small child, she got her privates was caught on some barbed wire while climbing over a fence hence her massive cavity.

They make wild and passionate love for most of the night. In the early hours of the morning her husband (after regaining his breath) turns to her and says,

'I can understand your snatch being stretched by barbed wire, but just HOW FAR ACROSS the field were you before you noticed.'

[lipe]

I am 60+ - akan datang.

You know you’re getting old when you pick up the phone and a woman asks, “Do you know who this is? and you say no and hang up.

[lipe]

A bunch of old guys would sit around playing chess in the void deck all day.

One day a new guy showed up. He was pretty wrinkled and had white hair and he got in a game with one of the old guys.

After looking at the new guy for a while, the other guy said, “You know, I just
noticed. You’re not wearing glasses, you got your real teeth, you got no hearing aid, you’re in pretty good shape.”

The new guy said, “Well, when I was a kid my parents took me to the doctor and the doctor said that if I wanted to stay in shape I should make love with a woman four times a day. And that’s what I’ve been doing up to this very day.”

“Really? How old are you?”

“Twenty-four.”

[lipe]

A panda walks into a pub and sits down for a drink. While he’s downing his pint, he looks across and sees this fine woman at the end of the bar, so he pulls up a stool next to her.

He chats her up and the next thing he knows they are getting on like a house on fire.

Then the panda says: “God, I could do with a bite to eat,” and in reply the woman asks him around to her place for a meal. Being the randy panda that he is, he readily accepts.

Back at her place, after a fulfilling meal, one thing leads to another and the panda ends up having sex with the woman.

In the morning as the panda is about to leave, the woman says to him, “Hey, wait a second, I’m a prostitute.”

Seeing the baffled expression on the panda’s face she tells him to look it
up in the dictionary.

So the panda looks up “prostitute” and the definition says: “Takes money for sex.”

After reading this the panda relaxes and says, “That’s all right because I’m a panda.”

The woman, confused, looks up “panda” in the dictionary and reads the definition: “Eats, shoots and leaves.”

[lipe]

When I woke up this morning, I could feel tension mounting.











NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY - it is not what you think.













Tension is my dog.

[JoMontero]

Originally Posted by lipe

A panda walks into a pub and sits down for a drink. While he’s downing his pint, he looks across and sees this fine woman at the end of the bar, so he pulls up a stool next to her.

He chats her up and the next thing he knows they are getting on like a house on fire.

Then the panda says: “God, I could do with a bite to eat,” and in reply the woman asks him around to her place for a meal. Being the randy panda that he is, he readily accepts.

Back at her place, after a fulfilling meal, one thing leads to another and the panda ends up having sex with the woman.

In the morning as the panda is about to leave, the woman says to him, “Hey, wait a second, I’m a prostitute.”

Seeing the baffled expression on the panda’s face she tells him to look it
up in the dictionary.

So the panda looks up “prostitute” and the definition says: “Takes money for sex.”

After reading this the panda relaxes and says, “That’s all right because I’m a panda.”

The woman, confused, looks up “panda” in the dictionary and reads the definition: “Eats, shoots and leaves.”

Nice one bro

[goooster]

God said to Adam, "I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
First the good news.
I have given you a brain and a penis.
The bad news… I’ve only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"

[goooster]

A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.
He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed.
An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge.
The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean”
The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK”
The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much.
So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man ejaculated on nurse’s hand.
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know 'Are my tests results back?’”

[goooster]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

[DebitMaster]

Very good jokes!!

[goooster]

A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

[goooster]

Kid to a pregnant girl at bus stop: "What are you expecting?"
The girl says, "A bus."
The kid turns to his friend and says: "Wow! I am 100% sure this chick got screwed by a Transformer!"

[simple2kee]

Mr A bumped into an old school friend Mr B today.
B started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then Mr B pulled out a photo of his wife and said,
"She's beautiful, isn't she?"
Mr A said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
Mr B said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
Mr A said, "No, she's an optician.

[lobangkingz]

Keep the great jokes coming!

[lipe]

Why do tampons have strings?




So you can floss after you eat.