Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY

Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your ass.

Men are like.....Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like.....Computers
Hard to figure out, and never have enough memory.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Men are like.....Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or
how long he will last.

Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

[bigbirdbird]

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him'Your Honor'!"

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And me......, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican' !

[bigbirdbird]

What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.

What do UFOs and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself. But Kim,
just because you don't see them, doesn't mean they aren't out there
watching. He he....

Why is sex like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky? Whisky
improves with age.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it is unused.

What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?
Divorced.

What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority.

What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

The Xbuffoon made me promise that I wouldn't say that that actually
happened to him, so I won't tell you.

What is a man?
A life-support machine for a penis.

What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

I wanna be first to kiss the bride, no me, no me........

What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.

Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

[iApplePie]

Haha very nice jokes, thanks!!

[FUNNYANDHORNY]

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.

The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

[bigbirdbird]

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror for her birthday. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror looking at herself and asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your arse didn't it?"

[bigbirdbird]

There was a Chinese father named Cheng who was very close to his son.

They used to go everywhere together including looking for "birds" (Chinese slang for prostitute).

One day, Chung the son decided to go overseas for study. The father was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him, "Chung we cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However, if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not suspect."

So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from Chung, the son,......(shooting bird - $300).

Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is more than $700. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he wrote to his son.

"Chung Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one".

A month later, Cheng, the father, received another bill from his son. On it he had written:

Shooting Bird - $50
Rifle Repair - $2,000

[bigbirdbird]

The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss excuses him.

Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.

Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.

The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick."

Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.

Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office.

"What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."

Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long."

"Your sister!?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"

Man says, "I *told* you I was sick."

[FUNNYANDHORNY]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her;

I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind.

Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

[bigbirdbird]

Mary and her husband were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.

He suddenly said, 'Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.'

'Now why would you want me to do something like that?' Mary asked.

'I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff....'

'What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

[bigbirdbird]

Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19.

Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys.

"Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend."

"Swallow." Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."

[bigbirdbird]

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer.

The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?"

"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation!" said the dejected gent.

"Yeah, so?" replied the barkeep.

"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've already let a fortune slip through my fingers!"

[bigbirdbird]

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited."

The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."

The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

[bigbirdbird]

A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off.

He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor.

He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in.

The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?"

"Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.

The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about? This is a marshmallow!"

"Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmallow on the way in here!"

[nutan]

Very good jokes!! Thanks