Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A horsefly kept biting an elephant near her tail. She kept swinging her trunk, but he was far out of reach.

A little sparrow observed this and flew down and snipped the horsefly in half.

"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant. "Listen, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask."

The sparrow paused. "Well, ma'am -," he said.

"What is it," said the elephant. "You needn't be shy with me."

"Well," said the sparrow, "the truth is that all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant."

"Go right ahead," said the elephant. "Be my guest!"

The sparrow began to fuck away. Up above them, a monkey got very excited and started to masturbate. This shook a coconut loose and it hit the elephant smack on the head.

"Ouch!" said the elephant.

The sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"

[bigbirdbird]

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"

The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."

His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."

The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."

[bigbirdbird]

Condoms


When the Software industry had badly gone downhill, three software giants, Sun, SCO(UNIX), and Microsoft started producing condoms and named them Java-condom, CondomiX, and MS-Condoms Vista respectively. A customer using Java-condom complained to Sun that the condom didn’t fit correctly. Sun replied: “Wait till we get the ISO standard.” They boasted that it would fit any size irrespective of the underlying structure. Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the time he would finish reading the instructions given along with it, his wife would fall asleep, and he himself would forget why he was using CondomiX. Finally, he switched to MS-Condoms Vista. To his surprise it was so good….. and comfortable! He used it happily. Six months later, he found that his wife was pregnant. He got angry and complained to Microsoft. He got the following reply from Microsoft: A PATCH IS COMING SOON!

[bigbirdbird]

Do you fart in bed ?

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.


Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers.

I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

!!!

[bigbirdbird]

A little boy came home from playing outside one day.

He was huffing and puffing, like he was winded.

All of sudden, the boy's father heard a kitten squalling like it was extremely uncomfortable.

He turned around and looked.

Sure enough, there's his son -- holding a kitten - obviously no more than 6 weeks old!



"What have you got there, son?"

"It's especially for you, Dad," the boy replied.

The father asked, "What do you mean?"

"Remember the other night, you told Mom you wanted 'a little pussy?'


"Well, I heard you, and I went out and got you one!"

[bigbirdbird]

A man on a construction site thirty floors up had to go to the bathroom.

He approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the restroom. The foreman told him he was crazy; by the time he got down and back up, he'd lose a half hour.

The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building.

He stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee.

He said, "Damn, Chuck, we're thirty floors up! Piss'll turn to vapor before it hits the ground!"

What could he do? It was his foreman, after all.

So the guy gingerly heads out on the plank.

Suddenly the foreman's cell phone rang. Not even thinking, he jumped off the board to get it, sending the peeing man to his death!

At the inquest, an electrician who was working on the twenty-seventh floor was asked what he'd witnessed regarding the accident.

"I'm not really sure. I think it had something to do with sex."

The coroner said, "Sex? Why do you think that?

The electrician replied, "I saw the man falling with his dick in his hand, screaming, "Where'd that cocksucker go?"

[bigbirdbird]

Sophie and the Queen were talking shortly before the wedding when the Queen said " Now Sophie, I think it's about time you and I talked about any problems you and Edward may have consummating the marriage"

"Oh," said Sophie, "Everything's all right really, except ......"

"Except what?" said the Queen, "don't be embarrassed, I've heard it all before".

"Well, when I suck his dick and swallow, it tastes awful and gives me really bad heartburn."

"Have you tried Andrews?" asked the Queen

"Yes, but his tasted the same"

[chickenlittley]

One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife." They both laugh. A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How are you feeling?"
The patient smiles and replies" You were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home."

[Bronco]

Chicken & Horse

A chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard. Suddenly the horse falls into a pit.

He yells to the chicken, 'Go get the farmer, save me, save me!

The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him. So he gets the farmer's BMW and drives it over to mud pit, lassos the horse, ties it to the car and pulls him out.

The horse says, 'Thank you, Thank you, I owe you my life...'

Then a couple days later they're playing again and this time the chicken falls into the mud pit and the chicken says, 'Help me! Help me! Go get the farmer!'

So the horse says, 'No. No. No, I think I can get you.'

The horse stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken, 'Grab onto my dick.'

The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, and the horse saves the chickens' life.

So whats the moral of the story...

If you have a dick the size of a horse then you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks...


Monkey talk

A girl realized that she had grown hair in between her legs. She got worried and ask her mother about it.

Her mother calmly said, "That part where hair has grown is called monkey and be proud that your monkey has grown hair"...the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair."

Her sister smiled and said, "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

Mother fainted...

[dingdong11]

Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.

The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have coffee."

The English student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have latte."

The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

[dingdong11]

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded.

"Half the audience walked out before I finished."

Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied.

"I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

[dingdong11]

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

[dingdong11]

A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit workers.
The next day, two groups of workers showed up - a crew of five skilled workers and a crew of five half wits.

The company could not decide whom to give the job to, so they gave the two groups a test. The company boss said, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be installed into the ground. Whoever is able to do it first will get the job."

Both groups agreed that this was a fair test, so off they went in company trucks with telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours passed, and finally, at 5:00, the skilled crew returned. "Yes!" they shouted. "We came back first, so we get the job!!"

"Good work, men." said the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic or the truck breaking down."

"Fine, no problem," replied the crew. An hour passed. Two hours passed and then three hours. Finally, at 8:30, the Goober crew arrived. They were flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.

"What happened to you? What took so long?" asked the boss incredulously.

"What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the job?"

"YOU get the job? No way! The other crew were back here HOURS ago!"

"Well, of course they were," said the goobers. "They only put the pole in a quarter of the way!!"

[dingdong11]

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those video cameras everywhere you look."

[dingdong11]

A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"

The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No.5 bus going to Coney Island."

There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him.
"You're angry about something."

"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No.5 bus to Coney Island? You fool! Don't you know the No.5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"