Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

[bigbirdbird]

A Real Woman

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...


No wait...
Sorry. I'm thinking of whiskey.
It's whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind

[bigbirdbird]

A little boy goes to the drugstore for some condoms. He goes up to the
pharmacist and asked him, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed
condoms are?"

The pharmacist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?"

"Sure do" replied the boy, "They keep you from getting venereal
Diseases."

"Yes, that's true," said the pharmacist, "but do you know what the ribs
are for?"

The little boy thought for a moment, then looked up at the pharmacist
and replied, "Well, not exactly, but they sure do make the hair on the
backs of them goats stand up."

[Code Red]

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”

Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”

The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”

[Code Red]

Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. “Did you get that for your birthday?” – asked Johnny.

“Nope.” – replied Jimmy. “Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”

Again Jimmy said “Nope.” “You didn’t steal it, did you?” – asked Johnny.

“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. “What do you want now?” “I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”

[Code Red]

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?”

He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”

[Code Red]

A student goes into his lab right at the end of the class hour. Fearing he’ll get an “F”, he asks a fellow student what she’s been doing.

“We’ve been observing water under the microscope. We’re suppose to write up what we see.” The page of her notebook is filled with little figures resembling circles and ellipses with hair on them.

The panic-stricken student hears the bell goes off, opens his notebook and writes, “During this laboratory, I examined water under the microscope and I saw twice as many H’s as O’s.”

[Code Red]

A chemistry professor wanted to teach the 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, as happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded…

“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

[Code Red]

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

[Code Red]

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."

[bigbirdbird]

There are at least EIGHT types of ORGASM of a WOMAN.


1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes..................


2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....................


3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No............


4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming.............


5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God.........................


6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More.....................


7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you...


8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH...Deeper...Go DEEPER !!

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny was a country boy who had come into some money and decided he would go to town. Having never been to town before he strolled up and down the street looking at the stores, when he came to a barber shop.

"Well," he said to himself. "I have never had a city hair cut, I think I will get one." He went in and sat down and the barber said, "What can I do for you?" Little Johnny said, "I want the works, everything, I can pay for it!" So the barber starts cutting, and in a little while he said, "Would you like a singe?" Little Johnny said, "I said I want the works, everything." The shop had a good looking, well built manicurist, wearing a tight knit, almost see through shirt and she walked over and asked if he want a manicure. He said, "I want the works, everything!"

So she started working on him, all the while rubbing those big breasts up against him and looking at him with those big eyes. In a few minutes she asked, "Shall I push back the cuticle?"

Little Johnny said, "Just kiss me, it will roll back by itself."

[bigbirdbird]

It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of
his house and he comes running out.

He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound
of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she
is, scowling at him.

He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her
on the privates, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Walter, the driver, has to
ask,"Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"
Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."

[bigbirdbird]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

[bigbirdbird]

A young lady went to a dance, and she had a low-cut, strapless gown on.
Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain. All
night she noticed a young man, staring at her.

In her embarrassment, she held up the airplane and said,
"Oh, you like my airplane, huh?"

The young man smiled mischievously.
"No ma'am, I was just admiring the landing field."