Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his artificial leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his artificial leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

[bigbirdbird]

Hello young lovers! Has this ever happened to you?

You and your sweetie have finally gotten off by yourselves. You find yourself at Inspiration Point or some cozy lovers lane and things are really getting hot! You reach in your glove compartment and oh no! No condoms!

Well your next move is to ruin the moment by driving to a convenience store, humiliating yourself by getting change, then rushing into the restroom to the "Love Machine" to buy one while some weirdo watches you from the stall. Meanwhile, your sweetie has "lost the urge" sitting out in the car with the windows fogged up and asks to be taken home!

Not a pretty picture is it?

Well! Your troubles are over! RUBBER HUT is here!

Yes, our radio dispatched pink delivery vans are on patrol. We can get there in ten minutes!(Home delivery make take a little longer) We constantly patrol lovers lanes with all your favorite kinds of condoms, from drug store variety to specialty types. Just call on your cellular phone (we cater to yuppies) and we will be there in minutes with your selection.

You can easily spot our vans on patrol.

They have a pink light on their antennas with the words "SAFE SEX" in white letters. Just tell the driver what you need. We take all charge cards or we can open an account for you if you want.

Just dial, 555-LOAD or *RH on your cellular!

Rubber Hut motto:

"WHEN YOU'RE IN HEAT, WE'RE JUST DOWN THE STREET"

[bigbirdbird]

Sam was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Anni to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Anni saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for the manager to finish waiting on a customer.

When he was finished, Anni asked how much for the teapot.

He replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Anni exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Sam had sent her to buy, and he went to the backroom to find it.

From the back room he yelled, "Anni, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

To which Anni replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

[bigbirdbird]

Handsome Vinnie had a great vacation visiting the back room of every gay bar on Castro Street, but it left him somewhat worse for wear.

When he got home he called up a friend who practiced homeopathic medicine and complained that his rectum was terribly swollen and tender.

The friend recommended making a poultice of herbal tea leaves and applying it to the area.

It did relieve the irritation a bit, but the next morning found Vinnie still in considerable discomfort, so he hobbled over to the office of a proctologist who served the gay community.

In the examining room, the good-looking fellow bent over and spread his cheeks.

The doctor clucked sympathetically and started investigating.

"Well, Doctor?" asked Vinnie after a few minutes had passed. "What's the diagnosis?"

"It's not completely clear, darling," admitted the proctologist, "but the tea leaves recommend a Caribbean cruise for the two of us."

[bigbirdbird]

Nuts

A guy with a speech impediment goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's ever seen in his life. The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise and asks... "ess-tues me ser?"

"Yes sir," replied the clerk.

"Tould you tale me how mutsh youre pisstasheos arr?"

"Pistachio's? They're six dollars a pound."

"SSit!" The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks "welp, how mutsh arr youre aahhmons?"

"Almonds? They're seven fifty a pound."

"SSIT!" Replied the tongue-tied man. "Welp, how bout youre pikanns?"

"Pecans? They're on sale today...they're only four fifty a pound."

"Welp...SSit.. just div me a poulnd of dose dhen."

"Alrighty then," Says the clerk, and begins bagging up a pound of pecans.

Then the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Sirr, I just wana tay tank you fo not maken phun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it."

The clerk replies with a smile, "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that... I don't make fun of anybody, for anything! I don't know if you noticed or not, but I have a rather large nose."

The tongue-tied guy replies, "Oh, is dat your noze? I tought dat wuz your dick, your nutz arr so damn high!"

[bigbirdbird]

Dave and Bill are out drinking at the bar late one night.

Dave says, "Well, bud, I guess I better be going home."

"Yo man," Bill said, "what's your rush? Little woman got you by the short hairs on a short leash?"

"Hell no," Dave retorted, "I'm the boss in my house."

Then he said softly, "But she's the Director of Pussy..." *

[bigbirdbird]

Damn Good Definitions

ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing.

ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end.

CANNIBAL - One who is apt to pass his best friend.

CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.

CONSCIENCE - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.

CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold.

COOKIE - A virgin doughnut.

DANCE - A Naval engagement without the loss of seamen.

DIVORCE - What happens when two people cannot stomach each other any longer.

DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket.

DIARY - Book of revelations.

DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped.

ENEMA - A goose with a gush.

EXPLORATION - Beating around the bush.

FATHER'S DAY - Nine months before labor day.

GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows.

GIGGALO - The egg that laid the golden Goose.

GLAMOUR GIRL - a much publicized young thing who is full of oomf, and frequently full of other things; one who doesn't worry about the meat shortage.

HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing their horses.

HUSBAND - What is left after the nerve has been killed.

KEPT WOMAN - One who wears mink all day and fox all night.

HUNG CHOW - Chinese constipation.

A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.

MASTURBATION - A solo played on a private organ.

METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.

MINUTE MAN - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.

MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.

MOTHER'S DAY - Nine months after fathers day.

DONKEY BARBECUE- Where everybody gets a piece of ass.

NUN - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none.

NURSE - A pan handler.

NURSERY - A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit.

PAPOOSE - Consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket.

PIMP - A crack salesman; a nookie bookie.

PREGNANCY - When a woman is all swelled up from her mate's handiwork.

RHUMBA - An asset to music.

SECRETARY - A stenographer who watches her periods.

SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't.

SISSY - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak.

SPRING FEVER - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.

STORK - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies.

TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals.

TOMCAT - A ball bearing mouse trap.

TRIPLETS - Having to take seriously what was poked at you in fun.

VISE - Anything you enjoy that is bad for you.

VIRGINITY - A bubble on the stream of life, one prick and it's gone forever.

VIRGIN WOOL - Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder.

[soundlab]

TOO OLD TO SQUAT

An elderly man really took care of his body.
He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.

One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis.

So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along.
Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand,
the lady with the cane began to move the penis
around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said:
"There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked:

"What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady replied:

"Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40, I asked for it."

"When I was 50, I paid for it."

"When I was 60, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70, I forgot about it."

"Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat."

[bigbirdbird]

The Perfect Woman Would Say.....

1. I'll swallow it all....I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!

5. God... .f I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go
shopping.

9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

12. I'll be out painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

24. That was a great fart! Do another one!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

[bigbirdbird]

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed - Freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo condition, blow dry
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained 7kg
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
15:00 Nap
16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist - card is from secret admirer
16:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror
19:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
22:00 Hot shower [alone]
22:50 Carried to bed...[Freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen]
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms


THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast - rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several Whiskeys en-route to airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet
9:30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club [Blow job en-route]
9:45 Play front nine [2 under]
11:45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine [4 under]
14:15 Limo back to airport
14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo
15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew [all nude]
16:30 Land world record Marlin [1234lbs] on light tackle
17:00 Fly home - massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson
18:45 Shit, shower, shave
19:00 Watch news - Brad Pitt assassinated; marajuana and porn legalised
19:30 Dinner - Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon, big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice cream served on a pair of tits
21:00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch Match of the Day
21:30 Sex with three women [all with lesbian tendencies]
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing ale
23:30 Night cap blow job
23:45 In bed alone
23:50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room

[Code Red]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[Code Red]

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.He says, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."One student stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit."

[Code Red]

George, Bob and Jeff are sat talking in the old folks’ home. George: ‘This getting old is no fun. I wake at six o’clock every morning, by ten past I need a pee. But for the life of me, I just can’t manage it. It is so uncomfortable.’ Bob: ‘That’s nothing, mate. I wake at six o’clock and by twenty past I need a dump. But for the life of me, I just can’t manage it. It is so uncomfortable.’ Jeff: ‘That is nothing, gents. I go for a wee at ten past six, and a dump at twenty past six every morning without fail.’ Bob: ‘What is so bad about that?’ Jeff: ‘I don’t wake up until seven.’

[Code Red]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite because the electricity was cut off this morning."

[Code Red]

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ’There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ’Now you must do the same,’ he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. ’Second,’ the professor continued, ’you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?’