Cheating Spouse - To forgive or not?

[larue]

He's lying through his teeth and he's not going to stop as long as he thinks he can get away with it.

All that remains is what you want to do about it.

[dion8et]

Now the tables are turned around, and he is raged that my friend spotted him is a massive busybody who almost cost him his marriage and family. He was very mad at her for telling me and he felt incredibly maligned because it was purely an coicidence. I am very mixed up in thoughts over this because it could be genuinely true tt it’s all just coincidences (he can try Singapore pools maybe can strike it big) or he is just angered because picha lobang (恼羞成怒）

[Bullshitlar]

No matter what it is already over. The trust is gone m it will never be the same. Why torture urself? He had a choice to be a better man to fix the relationship but he choose to hurt u.

一次不忠，百次不用。

[dion8et]

Thank bro, your words speak right into me. I’ve been reading a lot to get self-help. It’s a very lonely and painful journey especially for the ones who got hurt. I’m really glad to have sought advices here before I go into making rash decision that would have reflected badly onto myself, as much as I have the urge to fight for my own righteousness (那口气）. After cooling down, I guess there was never any rights to talk abt, I already lost in the first place.

Now I just want to be happy and spend quality time with my kid and onto myself, to be grateful for whatever comes along. If he wishes to lie thru his teeth and thinks I’m just being nice and easy and he can continue his dark side, so be it; if I found out it’s just the end between us. Painful now to think abt it but slowly I’m getting enlightened and hopefully I see the light to the tunnel soon

[Learhsa]

There is no right or wrong here. I’ve been thru the same as an opposite gender. You will take time to heal most likely some time longer than the affair itself even if it really works out. You have to play the loving Wife, victim and maybe counsel if your husband won’t go counselling with you. You don’t really have to play the push and pull but be true to your emotions and he needs to be able to understand he contributed to the lack
Of trust issue. However as stated, when both of you have a clear mind. Do send the kid away a bit and try to relive courtship memories. You can share about inner desire which you became not comfortable with after marriage. It is true to no matter gender, surprises to appease each other goes a Long way. When you are so predictable obviously being together for decades doesn’t help especially when having a strain relationship.

Ultimately, you know you have a choice and you are not dependent on him. From your message, you chose to stay because you cherish the ups and down together over the past decade and that is commendable about. No doubt, he has developed feelings for the affair but in his heart he also knows the relationship is unlikely to get him anywhere unless you allow it to. You do however should request that you make one confrontational with the other party if possible. He needs to Understand this is essential to give you assurance that you are not kept in the dark if he sincerely wants to get together. If you can rationalizenyour demands, it’s easier to communicate with the “male” most oftenly.

Do some self reading on marriage recovery from infidelity and also schedule activities together. Things he’s interested in that you don’t feel too uncomfortable to join or even prove at times things you don’t enjoy but won’t mind accompanying him to. These actions should be reciprocal but not expected as it will also emotionally drain you from expectations. Have a open dialogue and agree how Long you need to speak about this issue till you recover. Review over a period of time and agree again. Do not publicly shame him especially with common friends and family especially your children. For those who are close and already know, just don’t keep them in the same circle for the time period.

It’s a balance you need to make between a loving Wife to win him back, the victim to let him understand the hurt and put on a counsellor hat to know what’s best for both of you.

It’s been 4 years since we’ve passed the confrontation, there will still be problems. But in our heart we also knew what we really wanted and things doesnt typically goes too south from there. You are at the darkest moment of a lifetime but reading from your message, you are also still very much sane to do the right thing.

Wishes you the best in your recovery

[happywoody]

when i was younger and idealistic ...
staying faithful to one woman seemed the right thing to do

as i grow older i realise it's biologically not normal to stay monogamous

[Aquarius9107]

Originally Posted by Bullshitlar

No matter what it is already over. The trust is gone m it will never be the same. Why torture urself? He had a choice to be a better man to fix the relationship but he choose to hurt u.

一次不忠，百次不用。

I hv the same issue too, hubby keeps having flings outside, I think I hv given enough chance to him. My heart is dead, too tired to continue this marriage anymore. Today juz applied for MPP Counseling session before file for divorce.

[Learhsa]

It’s not about giving chance, you still need to work out the issues else it will just revert.

[labbityeo]

Just go on holiday for a week alone first .. Don't inform anyone.

[lazyguy]

Try to stay cool... Ur kid is thr most important... Spend ur time on ur kid...

[parrotkid]

Originally Posted by dion8et

I’m shaken by my discovery 2weeks back when my hub of 4years (>15years togetherness) cheated on me. He has been slping in separate room mths ago on the reason that our bed is too squeezy with a cosleeping toddler.

I found photos and msgs that he cheated on me for the past 1y with a SYT(>10years age gap) subordinate at work. The intimacy and how she made him feels “young” again; the activities they had during this courtship, the intimacies etc. I was broken.

Since our firstborn came along, I know it’s impt to keep up with the flame but I am really burnt out being a working mom and rushing chores after the kid is asleep. He works long hours so usually is out early back late, so i’m on my own to manage the kid, household and whatnot. So yes, intimaticies are lacking.

I have to keep a clear mind albeit a broken heart. I confronted him days later and he said he was sorry and wanted to repent. He felt neglected ever since the kid came along and when this SYT joined his company and I guess she was all innocent yet poor thing with a family and financial background that eventually his sympathy to help her slowly develop into feelings over the year, and they progressed in the dark. I saw their chat history and he was one luring and bringing her into this forbidden relationship (she does have doubts at times whether if it is correct etc.) and upon the confrontation when he asks for forgiveness, I requested if he is willing to text this SYT for a clean breakup; he didnt at that point of time, that he fears she will suicide etc. Fast forward: 72hours after the expose he comes saying tt he will text her in front of me (in between he told me he had spoken f2f with her, and she walked away in tears etc.).

Honestly I have my reservation because actions taken after that 3days makes me wonder what conversation they have in between, if things were plotted etc. Obviously there were no response to his msg and that's about it.

Deep within me I am prepared to forgive him, and this 2 wks he is showing more concern towards me and family, chores, and making efforts to return home slightly earlier (previously he stayed almost till really late to claim taxi and send her back; quality time etc.) are making me gg soft. After all, it was a more than a decade of relationship and the emotional attachment to this man is really strong; I gave my all wholeheartedly to him and to uphold our home. I am not financially dependent on him, and I don’t believe in staying together just to give the kid a whole family. This is purely just out of the love I have for this man, kid or no kid.

I am caught in between this emotional attachment, yet I have nothing to build on my trust for him, it’s all based on what he tells me. Part of me is fearful that he will cheat on me again and be more vigilant nx time, and another part of me says just take the leap of faith - out of love. This is such a common yet deep topic, and I really don't know what to do.

From a man's point of view, a man who cheats will cheat again. It has to do with integrity. If a person lacks it he is not going to have it for life. His values are obviously different from yours. Being faithful is not important to him.

I am also facing the same situation. My wife was not faithful. I am still very hurt by what happened. I try not to think about it and move on but the hurt is real. I am now immune to whatever she does. I think I no longer love her as much because she hurt me a lot.

If you are willing to be like me, to stay in the marriage but be prepared that he will cheat again, you have to be mentally very strong like me.

[Xgenre]

Consider all scenarios and prepare for all possibilities.

You have been with him for 15 years and you have a child. Leaving him is easily justifiable but you may end up being alone for life. It may be harder to find a new love as a divorcee with a child. You have so much memories with him that any new guy may wonder if this new love pales in comparison. Your child will also need a male influence in his/her life as the child grows up. You may not need him financially but it does look like a lonely road ahead. So do consider divorce carefully. Will you end up punishing yourself for what he did? Were you with him when he was a poorer guy 15 years ago and will divorcing allow the other woman to enjoy the economic benefits of his career now?

Why not suggest setting up a joint account to spend for the kid and yourself? He puts money in and you spend the money to buy things for yourself and the kid. You will be draining his ability to spend on the other woman. Over time, this will show that he is supporting you and the child financially at $XXX dollars per month. If he doesn't wake up and if divorce is unavoidable, this is useful for you.

Second guessing his real intentions is like running a set of questions over and over again inside your head. Why not engage a PI to verify his story? If he is reformed, the PI finds nothing. If he does not wake up, at least you have some evidence in hand.

Sometimes it is harder to compete with a younger woman. What she does in bed is also dependent on your man's sexual ability. How hungry he is... you will know better. Could it be a situation where he is hooked because she fans his ego? Many guys will feel flattered if someone a decade younger finds us attractive.

I hope this is just a temporary blip. Do consider the consequences of divorce. Will you end up alone for the rest of your life? If so, will you consider closing one eye for the next 5-10 years? There will be a period where the younger lady wants to get married and have kids. She may leave your husband when she realises she is putting all her 'eggs' in his basket.

[AudT]

Originally Posted by dion8et

I’m shaken by my discovery 2weeks back when my hub of 4years (>15years togetherness) cheated on me. He has been slping in separate room mths ago on the reason that our bed is too squeezy with a cosleeping toddler.

I found photos and msgs that he cheated on me for the past 1y with a SYT(>10years age gap) subordinate at work. The intimacy and how she made him feels “young” again; the activities they had during this courtship, the intimacies etc. I was broken.

Since our firstborn came along, I know it’s impt to keep up with the flame but I am really burnt out being a working mom and rushing chores after the kid is asleep. He works long hours so usually is out early back late, so i’m on my own to manage the kid, household and whatnot. So yes, intimaticies are lacking.

I think it's so hard to forgive and move on, and you're so strong to be able to look past this transgression. On the one hand I want to say it's good to give him a second chance, on the other, if he's so wired, he may do it again. Unless he's really contrite, and willing to let you have his phone password, check his phone etc, it'll just end up with loads of anxiety every time he needs to work late or entertain clients.

[Max77]

If he is worth keeping, if not theres plenty of taller, stronger, wealthier, long lasting "harder" and "lengthier" man out there who are dying to get themselves some good women.

In this modern society, MILF is the IN thing and many young and hot blooded youngsters dont mind older women.


In another word, if he is not worth it anymore, just find urself another. All the best!