Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Thailord]

Rich Man, Poor Man

A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both strolling along Madison Avenue after shopping for their wives. The poor man asks the rich man: "What did you get your wife this year?"

"I got her a Mercedes and a huge diamond ring," he replies.

"Why did you get her both?" the poor man asks.

"If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy," the rich man replies.

"What did you get your wife?" the rich man inquires.

"A pair of slippers and a dildo," the poor man replies.

"Why did you get her that?" the rich man asks.

"If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go screw herself!"

[2thousand8]

Chinese Rabbi
A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing
through the native quarter, and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.

As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the
door greeting his congregants. When our
Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi said, "You a Jew?"

"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.

"Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."

[2thousand8]

Tendjewberrymud
Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). This was nominated "best email of 1997".

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo one toes 'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"

[2thousand8]

Kerry or Bush?
There are less than three months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The man elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.
To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.

If you support the policies and character of President George W. Bush, please drive with your headlights on during the day.

If you support John Kerry, please drive with your headlights off at night.

[2thousand8]

Church Signs
1. CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY! Trespassers will be baptised!

2. "No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace."

3. "Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!"

4. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

5. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone
tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a
headline that reads, -"For Fast Relief, Take Two Tablets."

6. "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water
before you know how strong they are."

7. "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush."

8. "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."

9. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-Smoking."

10. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives."

11. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long
and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

12. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

13. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

14. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

15. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain
eternal fire Insurance soon."

16. " A ch__ch is a church when (U R) in it.

17. "In the dark? Follow the Son."

18. "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

19. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

[2thousand8]

A kindergartner was practicing spelling
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his
arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.

“Look what I spelled, Mom!” with a proud smile on his face.

“That's wonderful!” his mom praised him. “Now go put them on the fridge so Dad
can see when he gets home tonight.”

The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having
an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: “Mom? How do you spell
‘zilla’?”

[2thousand8]

A Texan in Ballinclashett
A big Texan is walking down the main street of Ballinclashett and encounters Liam standing on the pavement beside a big strong horse.

This prompts the Texan to attempt to realise a lifelong dream and he says to Liam, Say Boy, that's a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I'd like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so's I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I'll buy that horse off of ya, how much ya want.

Liam says, O sure and you don't want to be messin with this horse he don't look too good these days.

Hey, Boy, says the Texan, Don't you try to tell me what's a good lookin' horse an what isn't. I been tradin' horses all my life long and there ain't nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name yer price and we'll get along fine.

I'm sayin' to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don't want any part of 'im, says Liam.

The Texan is getting angry now. Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be the judge of what's good lookin and what's not and jes give me the price and I'll pay cash right here and now.

Oh well, says Liam, $2000.00US.

Deal! says the Texan and he hands over the money, Liam unties the horse and the Texan leads him off.

The horse walks smack into the first lampost in the way, and the Texan turns to Liam and says, Hey, Boy, you a damn swindler, you didn' tell me this here horse was blind!

I keep tellin' you he don't look too good, says Liam, and you kept saying that's none of my business, so in the end I gave up.

[2thousand8]

A champion jockey on a new horse
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

[Sperm Man]

jokes here are very funny. thank you for sharing

[bakylotus]

ONE LINERS

Outcome has a lot to do with income.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse,
not for good.

Some folks are so eager to find fault, you'd think
there's a reward.

I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know
what I would have smelled like.

Don't worry what people think, they don't do it
very often.

I wish my mouth had a backspace key.

I either want less coruption or more chances to
participate in it.

Smoking doesn't kill people. People who are trying
to quit smoking kill people.

The older I get, the better I was.

Bad breath is better than no breath at all.

A pessimist is someone who complains about the
noice when opportunity knocks.

and
Those who want to learn listen, those who know
it all, interrupt.

[Joris]

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well,
that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quite bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

[Thailord]

Fucked
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said: "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said: "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said: "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said: "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear:
"Have you ever been fucked?"
The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No"
She smiled and said: "You will be when the tide comes in!"

[Thailord]

'Do you have a vagina?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'.She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a agina'.She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have vagina'....'Yes' she says... The man replies. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours.'

[Thailord]

Viagra?
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father Ovaltine and Viagra.
The man asks, “Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?”
The nurse explains, “The Ovaltine will help him sleep.”
The man says, “And the Viagra?”
“Keeps him from falling out of bed!

[Thailord]

Blood Test
Boy goes for blood test. Nurse takes the sample but can't find cotton so she sucks his finger! Boy is so happy he asks: Can I get a urine test also?