Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[FieryBall]

A Good Reason to Give up Smoking A man in Denver, taking a break from painting his home, managed to burn his house down after smoking a cigarette reports The Los Angeles Times.

Stevie Spencer, tried to put out the cigarette in a bowl which he had placed on the table prior to lighting. 'I forgot paint thinner was in the bowl, 'Spencer said, 'I thought it was water.' The fire from the paint thinner ignited some papers nearby and spread rapidly.

Spence reportedly suffered minor injuries but his house was destroyed. Fire Chief Jay Flynn said the that house was too far gone to save it when fire-fighters arrived.

[FieryBall]

Best Saint Patrick's Day Jokes It would be a shame if 'Political correctness' prevented people telling the best of 'Irish Jokes'.

Apparently there is something deep in the human psyche about telling such 'Irish' jokes. Every culture tells similar stories, they just change the names. For example in Ireland itself, they may retell the jokes substituting Kerry men for Irish. And in County Kerry they would substitute 'West Kerry men' for Irish.

[FieryBall]

How Many Ducks? - Funny Irish Logic
On the bus Paddy got chatting to Murphy who was carrying a bag on his back
'What's in the bag?' asked Paddy
'I'm not going to tell', replied Murphy

'Go on, do.' pleaded Paddy.
'Ah, all right then, it's ducks.' announced Murphy

'If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will you give me one of them?' enquired Paddy
'Look', said Murphy, 'If you guess the correct number, I'll give you both of them.'

'Five!' said Paddy triumphantly.

[FieryBall]

Irishmen Flying HighTwo Irishmen hired an open cockpit aeroplane to fly over Dublin on St Patrick's Day. As they were winging their way through the air, O'Toole turned to his friend, Murphy and said, 'Murphy, I'm going to fly upside down.'

'Begorrah, O'Toole', shouted Murphy,' don't do that, we'll fall out.'

'No we won't,' responded O'Toole, 'I'll still talk to you.'

[FieryBall]

Classic Irish Joke
Dave and Peter, two English men, are walking along O'Connell Street, in Dublin, when they see a sign in a shop window:

Suits £15.00, shirts £2.00, trousers £2.50.

Peter says to Dave, 'Look at that - we could buy a lot of that gear and, when we get back to England we could make a fortune. When we go into the shop don't say anything, let me do all the talking, because if they hear our accent they might not serve us, so I'll speak in my best Irish accent.'

They go in and Peter orders, 50 suits at £15.00, 100 shirts at £2.00 and 50 trousers at £2.50 The owner of the shop says, 'You're English aren't you?'

Peter replies 'Oh bother... Yes, how on earth did you know that?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners...'

[FieryBall]

Father O'Connor - Irish Tale from Cork
�ôFather O'Connor walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want go to heaven?'
The man replies, 'Yes, Father.'

Father O'Connor then says, 'Leave this bar right now, and go outside'.
O'Connor proceeds to another man, and asks him the same thing. The chap also answers, 'Yes'.
Father O'Connor asks him too to go out.

The Reverend Father goes the third man and asks, 'Would you like to go to heaven? '
This time the reply is, 'No thank-you Father.'
Surprised, Father O'Connor asks, 'Why not?'
The man opines, 'I mean I do, but only after I die.'

The Father O'Connor explains, 'That's what I am talking about.'
The man says, 'Oh, I thought you are getting a group ready right now.'

[FieryBall]

Look to The MoonPaddy and Seamus were walking home from the pub. Paddy says to Seamus, 'What a beautiful night, look at the moon.'

Seamus stops and looks at Paddy, 'You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun.' Both started arguing for a while when they come upon a real drunk walking in the other direction, so they stopped him.

'Sir, could you please help settle our argument?

Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?' The drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them, and said,

'Sorry, I don't live around here.'

[Solarmax]

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Solarmax]

Proper Pronunciation

I bought a pint of Häagen-Dazs ice cream at the supermarket. As the cashier rang it up, I asked, “How do you pronounce that?”

Speaking slowly and distinctly, he said, “Four dollars and seventy-nine cents.”

[Solarmax]

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day when the man looked over at his wife and said, “Your butt’s getting huge. I bet it’s bigger than the barbecue.”
With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill. Then he went over to where his wife was working and measured her butt.
“I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!”
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband felt a little frisky. He made some advances toward her, but she completely brushed him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
She replied, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

[Solarmax]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt, and said, “If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.” While this offended her, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.” This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed his crotch.
With a death grip in place, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener and the poolman.”

[bigbirdbird]

SENSITIVE MAN TEST



1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.


2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.


3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.


4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play..
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.


5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.


6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.


7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C.. A moron.


8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.


9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.


10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

[bigbirdbird]

The counter man in the Ice Cream shop saw a customer leaving the drug store across the way, heading for his shop.

The customer entered, set a small Thermos container on the counter and unwrapped a condom.

"Here, take this condom. Drop a scoop of ice cream in it."

The counter man did so, and handed the condom, with its ice cream content, to the customer.

The customer placed the arrangement in the Thermos jug, and capped the jug.

"What," asked the ice cream purveyor "is the reason for that?"

"For three months, my wife has been bugging me for a deep freeze. Tonight, I'm going to give it to her."

[bigbirdbird]

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie." "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.
"That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

[bigbirdbird]

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired military
man, and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'

He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do.
You wore that same negligee the night we were married'

She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?'

He nodded and said 'Yes dear', I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the
life out of those tits and fuck your brains out.'

She giggled and said; 'So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same
negligee. What do you have to say tonight?'

He looked her up and down and said; 'Mission Accomplished'.