Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[ilovelife.now]

Two cows are standing in a field.

One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"

The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

[Caisheng]

this is indeed a stress release thread. thanks to all bros

[bakylotus]

A couple was touring the Capitol in Washington DC
and the guide pointed out a tall, benovelent
gentleman as the congressional chaplain.

The lady asked, 'What does the chaplain do? Does
he pray for the Senate or the House?'

The guide answered, 'No, he gets up, looks at the
Congress, then prays for the country'.




Two lions escaped from a zoo in Washington DC and
took off in seperate directions. Weeks later, they
ran into each other in the middle of the night.

'I'm having a terrible time getting food', the first
lion said, 'How have you been getting along?'

'Just fine', the second lion said. 'I found a good
hiding place in the Pentagon. I eat one general a
week, it will be years before they notice that anyone
is missing'.

[Playman]

Stopping Santa....

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

[Playman]

Classic doctor joke....

A husband wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?"

She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." The husband shrugs and rolls back over and starts to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "Uh, you don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

[bonking888]

Very interesting thread

[A Simple Man]

this thread is good.
so many jokes to read,some are really funny.
sharers here,thank you very much.

[bakylotus]

TIME FOR SOME HUMOUR AT TIGER WOODS' EXPENSE


What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common?
They are both in danger of being clubbed by Norwegians.

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He
couldn't decide between the iron or the wood.

Based on Tiger's interests, his new product endorsement
will be for HOSTESS.

His wife Elin told police that she went for a rescue wood.
But it looks like she really went for the driver.

Did you hear that he inspired a new Kung Fu movie to be
released? Its titled 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant'.

Did you make it out of your driveway safely this morning?
Then you can say you outdrove Tiger Woods.

Tiger just lost his endorsement with Gillette because now
they can't use his ad in which he says, 'This was my
closest shave yet'.

Elin Nordegren got hired today as a consultant. She is
teaching Phil Mickelson how to beat Tiger Woods.

What do Tiger and Elin have in common? They both try to
club his balls as hard as possible.

Usually Tiger makes it onto the fairway, but he is in trouble
on this round because he put one in the bush.

What kind of club did Elin swing at Tiger? Looks like it was
a bitching wedge.

Tiger Woods has a lot of nice cars, but now he has a hole
in one.

and finally,

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30am
in the morning? They went clubbing!.

[Roman city]

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention (the assembly line for the automobile) changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."

The befeathered fellow at the Gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.

Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God replies, "Ah, yes."

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. there's too much front end protrusion

2. it chatters at high speeds

3. the rear end wobbles too much, and

4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm...." Replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to the computer, more men are riding my invention that yours."

[Roman city]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[Roman city]

One day little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom about curting. Flustered, she replied, "Tonight go watch your sister when she comes home with her boyfriend. That's courting."

The next day, Johnny tells his mother what happened. "Well, Sis and her boyfriend came home last night and sat on the couch. They started kissing and stuff and I think sis was getting sick because she kept making faces. Her boyfriend must have thought so to, because he started feeling for her heartbeat like the doc. He wasn't as good as the Dr. though, he missed an awful lot. That's when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis said she was really hot. Then her boyfriend ripped off her blouse and bra, and I saw why he couldn't get to her heart, there were these big bumps on her chest! He then ripps off her skirt and undies and she has grown a lot of hair there, she should clean it more often. I guess her boyfriend thought so to because he started sucking there, licking and using his fingers. Then sis yelled out to God and unzipped her boyfriend's pants. This big snake jumped out and sis started to try and bite it's head off. She stopped trying an then it squirted all over the couch. Then sis took off his pants and sat on the snake, I think they were trying to squish it. Sis started to bounce up and down on it. She said it was nearly as big as Daddy's! Suddenly, she stopped and said she wasn't on anything, but her boyfriend said it was too late. They had both cum. So, did I explain it right?"

His mom fainted.

[Playman]

No excuses....

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smartass male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

[Caisheng]

Here for my daily dose bros. thanks

[beary]

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

[beary]

Little Johnny is back...

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"