Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Fuxconn]

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY

Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing !

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!

Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Something ugly!

Man: I'm a photographer. I’ve been looking for a face like yours
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours

Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!

Man: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Woman: Nah, it was plain bad luck!

Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!

Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

[TheIdesOfMarch]

Whenever you're having a bad day, just imagine how you're so lucky to not be in this scenario: You are one half of a Siamese Twin connected at the waist, your brother's gay, you're NOT, and he has a date coming over to spend the night in bed with him.

[AllisFake]

Safe Sex

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe"...

Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.

Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

You CAN get it from kissing... tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out before hand to hope for the best.

Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes.

[AllisFake]

Senior's Sex Guide

Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

Keep extra Poly grip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

Don't even think about trying it twice.

[AllisFake]

Star Wars Sex

Sexually suggestive lines from the Star Wars trilogy...
'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'

'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'

'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'

'You've got something jammed in here real good.'

'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'

'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'

'Sorry about the mess...'

'Look at the size of that thing!'

'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'

'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.'

'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'

'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'

'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'

'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...'

'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.'

'Hurry up, golden-rod...'

'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?'

'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'

'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!'

'Control, control! You must learn control!'

'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'

'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.'

'I never knew I had it in me.'

'There is good in him, I've felt it.'

'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.'

'Back door, huh? Good idea!'

'She's gonna blow!'

'I think you'll fit in nicely.'

'Rise, my friend.'

'Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!'

[AllisFake]

In an elementary school, the teacher gives school work to the class. Everybody writes except little John. The teacher asks him:
- John, why aren’t you writing?
- I’m exhausted because of sex.
- That should not be a problem, write with your left hand.

[AllisFake]

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.

[MrBin]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.

The husband turned to his wife and said, “That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time”.

She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.”

Case closed.

[MrBin]

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

[Encik]

Well a chinese man came to america. He walks by a singing class and hears "Memememe" so he starts saying "Memememe". Then he passes by a resturant called Forks and Knives so he says "Memememe forks and knives forks and knives." Then he passes by a candy store called Because he stole my lollipop. So he says "Memememe forks and knives forks and knives because he stole my lollipop." Then he passes by a radio thats playing Plug it in. so he says "Memememe forks and knive forks and knives because he stole my lollipop plug it in plug it in." So there was a dead guy across the street so the police asked "Who killed this man?" "Memememe!" "What did you kill him with?" "Forks and knives Forks and knives!" "Why did you kill him?" Because he stole my lollipop!" "Whe're going to have to put you in the electric chair!" "Plug it in Plug it in!"

[Encik]

A man walks into a bar sits and orders a drink.He then realizes there is a monkey behind the bar. He asks the bartender what it was for, so the bartender goes to the back room and gets a bat. The bartender then hits the monkey on the head and the monkey gives the bartender a blow job. Then the bartender looks at the man and asks do you want some. The man then replies as long as you dont hit me on the head with the bat.

[Encik]

One day there was this Teacher who after missing a few days of school because of snow on friday decided to tell her students that there was going to be a test monday no matter what.

So the the class clown in class raises his had asks, "Well what if I have some great sexaul expeirences this weekend and I come in on monday and I am just too tired to take that test?"

Then the teacher responds with, "Well I guess you will have to use your left hand to write then."

[Encik]

Comments at your Funeral

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

[ezone41]

nice thread....

[West Lake]

There was an Englishman,Scottishman and an Irishman swimming in the sea one day when suddenly they were captured by pirates.

The captain said to them your getting locked up in dungeons for 50 years, but I'll give you something to go in with. So the englishman says he wants to go in with booze, so he goes in with his booze.The scotsman says he wants some women so he goes in with his women. Finally the irishman wants to go in with cigarettes so he goes in with his cigarettes.

Then 50 years later the englishman comes out of his dungeon pissed, the scotsman comes out with his women and kids and the irishman comes out and says 'Got a light'!