Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Under_Taker]

A night with the princess
A King had to leave his Kingdom for some business. He was afraid that his only Daughter would be taken advantage of by some of the Guards because she was a very deep sleeper. So before he left, he slipped a razor blade between the lips of her vagina.

The King left. That night, three of the Guards did plan to Fuck the Princess.

The First Guard went into her room. From outside of the room, the other two Guards listened. Suddenly, they heard the First Guard scream. He came out. The other two Guards asked why he screamed. Embarrassed, he said that it was so good that he couldn't control himself. This made the other two smile.

The Second Guard went in. After some time? Ahhhhh!!! The Second Guard came out. The Third Guard asked what happened. Just as embarrassed as the First Guard, the Second Guard said that it felt so good that he couldn't control himself. The Third Guard smiled.

The Third Guard went into the room. He went up to the Princess and lifted her dress. Outside, the other two Guards listened. Mmmmmhhhh!?! The other two Guards took off! The next morning, the King came back. He suspected that his Guards tried to fuck his daughter. He told them to drop their pants. Each of them did. Two of them had sliced dicks, but the third one didn?t. Confused, the King asked why. He stuck his tongue out and said, ?I neba pry fuk ur dahta, I wet lik ur dahta?!

[Under_Taker]

In Too Far
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

[Under_Taker]

Tricking a Nun
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

[Under_Taker]

The Worm Trick
Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.

Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.

The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.

Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."

Grandpa said "No, you keep it."

The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.

Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."

Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."

[Under_Taker]

The Swedish Student
At a local college, there was a dance.

A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

[Under_Taker]

The Stuck Vibrator
A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "

[Fuxconn]

"Doc, you've gotta help me. My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe ..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one."
"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold ..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um ... okay."
Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.

His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I ... need ... a man ..."

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me ... too ..."

[Fuxconn]

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

[Fuxconn]

A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.
"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"
The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."

[sengkangcarpark]

very nice jokes. tks bro

[bigbirdbird]

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her inner right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" down on her inner left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your inner thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my man complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

[bigbirdbird]

A man's balls had turned brown and he was worried so he made an appointment with his doctor.

When he got home from the appointment he sat down in his chair in the living room.

He hollered for his wife to come from the kitchen.

After a while when she didn't come he hollered again.

After the third time she hollered back, "I haven't got time. I am fixing dinner; I have clothes here to iron, the baby is crying and needs changed. I don't have time to wipe my ass.

He said," That's what I want to talk to you about".

[bigbirdbird]

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer.

The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?"

"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation."

"Yeah, so?"

"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"

[bigbirdbird]

A man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French and he spoke no French. When the waiter asked his choice, he told the waiter to bring out the restaurant's specialty.

The man had a truly fantastic meal.

The waiter asked if the man wanted dessert. He responded that the waiter should bring out the restaurant's specialty.

The waiter that it was the peach poosay, and he would order it for him.

A short time later, a waitress came out with a covered silver platter. She took the cover off and there was a peach that had been quartered and pitted.

The waitress proceeded to raise her skirt and take a piece of the peach and push it in and out of her vagina!

She then picked up the rest of the pieces and did the same thing with them.

The man called the waiter over an asked, "Am I actually expected to eat the peach after that?"

The waiter responded, "Why, no, Monsieur. You eat the poosay."

[bigbirdbird]

IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMEN'S LIFE

1. Her Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. Her Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. Her Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. Her Beautician - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. Her Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you will love it!"

6. Her Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

And most important...

7, A Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, and keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"