Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Under_Taker]

Workout at the gym
At the Gym

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1

They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.

Day 2

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great

Day 3

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6

Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7

Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.

[Under_Taker]

The Tyson one-liners
Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!

Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!

Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.

For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.

New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!

They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"

Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!

If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?

In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!

Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.

Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!

[Under_Taker]

The NFL team names
NFL Team Lame Names

When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.

AFC West:

Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys

Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs

Los Angeles Raiders - Los Angeles Faders

San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers

Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks

AFC Central:

Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels

Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns

Houston Oilers - Houston Spoilers

Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers

AFC East:

Buffalo Bills - Buffalo Nils

Buffalo Spills

Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts

Miami Dolphins - Miami Stallfins

Miami Soft Ones

New England Patriots - New England Patsys

New York Jets - New York Pets

New York Not Yets

NFC West:

Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons

New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's

Los Angeles Rams - Los Angeles Lambs

San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners

NFC Central:

Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs

Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin's

Detroit Kittens

Green Bay Packers - Green Bay Fudgepackers

Green Bay Slackers

Green Bay Whackers

Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota Tykes

Minnesota ViQueens

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers

NFC East:

Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals

Dallas Cowboys - Dallas Cowgirls

Dallas Cowpie

New York Giants - New York Midgets

Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles

Washington Redskins - Washington Deadskins

Expansion Teams:

Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers

Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars

[Under_Taker]

Do at a bowling alley
Things to do at a Bowling Alley

Everytime you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU!!!" continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.

When ever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.

Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics then loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.

Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.

Wear Golf Shoes.

Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.

Dress up like an amish man. Give speaches to others against the high technology used in bowling.

Play bocci with extra lane balls

Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about Platetechtonics again

Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tounges, then sit down as if nothing happened.

Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.....fish.

Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.

Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.

Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.

Make your prescence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.

Root for the other team- Bring Banners.

Make fun of your team- Bring Lettuce.

Tell the rival team captain that you just met his "little girl" walk away mumbling "how bad things happen"

Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments

Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE

Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.

Rent all the lanes, don't bowl

Rent all the shoes, eat them

Blatenly Underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating

When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.

If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs, blame platetechtonics

Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone

Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.

SuperGlue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers...leave town

Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night

Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an anoucement, expond on the sins of bowling

Name your ball something like "KILLER", Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night

Sit in your lane and heckle others with a BullHorn.

Bring a dartgun...Be inventive.

Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.

Run around sprinkling "MAGIC FAIRY DUST" on everyone's balls. Tar works nice.

Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, Dont even have a Entrance fee. Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porshce 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize: A coffee mug Then sit back a watch the fights..... leave or Cancel the whole thing.

Hand out Pamphlets on Patetechtonics.

[t123]

[IMG=http://img842.imageshack.us/img842/3944/kongheefattchoy.jpg][/IMG]

This is recent

[pittpitt]

A woman takes her lover to her house during the day,while her husband is at
work and unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet to skip school.
Unexpectedly her husband returns home, so she asks the man to hide in the same
closet.
The boy now has
company!
Boy: "dark in here"
Man: "yes it is"
Boy: "i have a baseball"
Man: "that's nice"
Boy: "wana buy it?"
Man: "no, thanks"
Boy : "my dad is outside"
Man: "ok how much"
Boy: "250"
In the next few weeks it
happens again and they
meet in the same closet.
Boy: "dark in here"
Man: " yes it is"
Boy: "i have a baseball glove"
Man: "how much"
Boy: "750"
Man: "fine"
Few days later the father
says to the boy, " grab your
gloves and ball and let's go
to the park
The boy says "I sold them"
Father: "how much"
Boy: "1000"
Father: "it's terrible to over
charge ur friends. We are
going to church and u have
to confess!"
So they go to the church and father
alerts the priest,
makes the boy sit in the
confession room and closes
the door
Boy: "Dark in here"
Priest: "Don't you fuckin start that shit
again!!

[pittpitt]

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT???!!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’ll just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you, she was so excited, she must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT??!!!” I then said “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

[pittpitt]

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the toilet?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go piss, bitch."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the toilet. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word toilet at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

I would say:
"Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

[pittpitt]

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient Mark arrives complaining of serious back
pain.
The doctor examines him and asks him:
"Tell me what happened to your back..."

Mark replies:
"Sir, I work for a local night club. This
morning, I got to my apartment early and
heard some noise in my bed room. On
entering I knew someone had been with my
wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed
out of the balcony door and did not find
anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I
saw a man running out and he was dressing
himself. I was very angry,.. I grabbed the
fridge and threw it at him. It was very heavy...
That is how I strained my back....!!!"

Later that day, a second patient - Bob
arrives as if he has
been in a car wreck.
The doctor said:
"My previous patient looked bad,.... But you
look terrible..... What the hell happened to
you....??"

Bob replied:
"You know I have been unemployed for a
while now...., today was the first day at my
new job..... I forgot to set my alarm and I was
late,..... I was running out of the building,
getting dressed at the same time, I was hit by
a fridge! I don't know how and where from
this fridge fell on me...!!!"

Before closing hours, the third patient Johnny comes.
He looks like he was punished in hell.
The doctor is shocked. He asked:
"What the hell happened to you....??"

Johnny replies:
"Well, It started like this: "I was in a fridge..."

[bigbirdbird]

A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog.

Picking the frog up, she comments on the creatures rather hideous appearance...

Princess: My but you are really an ugly frog!

Frog: I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me.

Princess: Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you.

Frog: Look, I told you lady, it's a really bad spell.

Princess: Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a Prince?

Frog: I don't know lady, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job.

[bigbirdbird]

A newly weds went for honeymoon in train from Delhi to Mumbai.

Due to the heavy booking they had to sleep on separate berth.

The husband told the wife, to make it easy, you just tell me that you want a chappati, then I 'll climb onto your berth and we can make love.

So, as the train moves an hour later, the wife calls the husband, "Darling, I want a chappati."

The husband gets on with the task. When finished, the husband returned to his berth.

This process went for about THREE TIMES, and the husband had no choice but to oblige his new, young and beautiful wife.

What a nice honeymoon!

In the morning they sat in the buffet car for breakfast.

The husband asked the wife, "How was the chappati last night?"

The wife replied,"I liked the FOURTH chappati...........the best!".

The husband was surprised and said, " I thought I gave you only THREE chappati!"

On the next table replied a husky sadarji, " I found the oven was still warm so I fried my chappati there too!"

[pittpitt]

A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for viagra. The cashier says "I need medical proof that you need it". The guy says "will a photo of my wife do"?


=================================

An Irishman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly.
The undertaker said it will cost £5,000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home.
The undertaker said, "But, sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?"
The husband said, "Listen here pal, a long, long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead: Shes goin' fuckin' home!"

[pittpitt]

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

[pittpitt]

amous Chinese detective named Chen Lee. Chen Lee was hired to watch and report any activities while the husband was gone.
A few days later the husband received this report :
-------------------
Most Honorable Sir

You leave house
I watch house
He come to house, I watch
He and she leave house, I follow
He and she go to hotel, I climb tree
I look in window
He kiss she, she kiss he
He strip she, she strip he
He play with she, she play with he
I play with me, I fall off tree
I not see
No fee
Chen Lee

[pittpitt]

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician."