Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Oooh~La~La]

A wife takes her old, hard of hearing husband to the doctor for a physical.

The doc says "Take off your shirt."

The old guy asks his wife "What did he say?"

She tells him "Take off your shirt."

The doc checks him over then says "Take off your pants."

The guy looks to his wife and she says "TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS."

The doc says "I want a urine, stool and semen specimen."

The guy again asks "What?"

The wife says "He wants to see your shorts."

[Oooh~La~La]

Doctor doctor collection 02
Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee
Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?

Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from under my arms!

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
That's baaaaaaaaaad!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito
Go away, sucker!

[Oooh~La~La]

Measuring on the job
There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".

[Oooh~La~La]

Why English is tough
Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

[Oooh~La~La]

English is very strange
Did you know that "verb" is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Is there another word for a synonym?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

Where do swear words come from?

Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do people use the word "irregardless"?

Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?

Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?

Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?

Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

[Oooh~La~La]

Angering the Irishman
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

[Oooh~La~La]

Lightbulb joke collection 01
Q: How many gypsies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.

Note: None because gypsies don't have mains electricity, and the losing is a play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies. You give a Gypsy a light bulb and ask him to change the hallway lamp, pretty soon you have one less light bulb and the hallway lamp is still out.)

Q: How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.

Note: Leona Helmsley is the owner of a New York hotel who was a terrible person to work for. She fired employees at little or no provocation. She was so nasty to her employees that she was known as the "Queen of Mean".)

Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.

Note: Fluorescent light is closer to natural sunlight than an incandescent bulb, so anyone using artificial light (which pot growers might do to keep their crops covered and safe from flying, prying eyes) to grow stuff would probably use fluorescent light rather than incandescent.

[Oooh~La~La]

Lightbulb joke collection 02
Q: How many (generation) Xers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have something to screw in and the other to screw it in for minimum wage.

Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they *like* it in the dark.

Q: How many alt.vampyres readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None! Yecch! We LOVE the dark, stupid!

Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.

Q: How many one-armed people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, as long as he kept the till receipt.

Q: How many [members of your favorite group] does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, but they have to be *really tiny*.

Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least three. (Notes: think height!)

[Oooh~La~La]

An engineer, doctor, and pastor golfing
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

[Oooh~La~La]

Slow golfers are ahead of us
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

[Oooh~La~La]

What will you do for golf?
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."

[bigbirdbird]

Confucius Say...
Live each day as if it were your last, because someday it will be.
Confucius Say...
It's ok to look back at the past....Just don't stare at it.
Confucius Say...
If you don't want anyone to get your goat, don't let them know where you have it tied.
Confucius Say...
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Confucius Say...
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Confucius Say...
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Confucius Say...
He who sleep on bed of nails, is indeed a holy man.
Confucius Say...
Man who has money to burn, makes an ash of himself.
Confucius Say...
"Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole woman have more."

Confucius Say...
Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.

[bigbirdbird]

A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends.

On the invitation he puts "Themed Party Come as a Human Emotion."

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy."

The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts.

He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

And she replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two guys from New York, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "Gee, guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"

The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fucking discustad, and my friend here has come in dispair."

[bigbirdbird]

Reasons Why Cookie Dough Is Better Than A Penis

- It's enjoyable hard or soft.
- It makes a mess, too --- but it tastes better.
- It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
- You always want to swallow.
- It won't complain if you share it with friends.
- It's "quick and convenient."
- You can enjoy it more than once.
- It comes already protectively wrapped.
- You can make it as large as you want.
- If you don't finish it, you can save it for later.
- It's easier to get the kind you want.
- You can comparison-shop.
- You know what the extra weight is from.
- You can put it away when you've had enough.
- You know yours has never been eaten before.
- It won't complain if you chew on it.
- It comes chocolate flavored.
- You always know when to get rid of it.
- You can return it --- satisfaction is guaranteed.
- It's always ready to go.
- You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
- You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
- It won't wake you up because it's hard.
- It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
- You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging.
- It is very pliable.
- It's easy to pick up.
- It never has an insecurity problem with its size.

[bigbirdbird]

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a
friend of his; also a mute.

In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing.
The friend replied (vocally!)

"Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now!"

Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to
a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a
treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.
Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this
specialist.

They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the
specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent damage. The
mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that
there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.

"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right
now!"

"Very well," replied the specialist. "Kindly go into the next
room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be
right in."

The mute does as instructed, and the doctor snuck in carrying a
broomstick, a mallet and a jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom
handle, he 'sent it home' with a deft swipe of the mallet.

The mute jumped from the table, screaming,

"AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

"VERY good," smiled the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we work on 'B'."