Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[MM&MM]

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...’’
He is interrupted by the doctor. “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?”

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.

Two weeks go by and the man is back. “Well, how do you feel?” the doctor asked.

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And by the way, you have a lovely home.”

[MM&MM]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive, blond, female neighbor came out of the
house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it,
looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into
her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to
the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut
again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she
came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and
then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is
something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid
computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

[bigbirdbird]

To keep you smiling and get you through your day!
Enjoy!


Maria is a devoted wife: She gets married and has 7 children.......Soon after the last child is born, her husband dies.... .A few weeks later she remarries, and over the following years has another 5 children with her second husband......
After the last child is born her second husband also dies......
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married for the third time.......
Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies.
At her funeral the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, he looks up to heaven and says:
"At last they are finally together".
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest replied "I mean her legs !!! ".

[bigbirdbird]

A Jewish boy came home from college and sat down to have a heart-to-heart talk with his doting mother.

"I've got some good news and some bad news," he said. "The bad news is that I'm a homosexual."

"Oh, no!" his mother exclaimed.

"Before you faint," the son continued, "the good news is I'm in love with a doctor."



**********


A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.

The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hannukah."

The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."

The Catholic girl replies, "That's what I like about you Jewish people, you're so good to your help."

[Fuxconn]

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."

[Fuxconn]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out

drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the

stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the

closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."

[Fuxconn]

A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off
and I shot the dog!"

[Fuxconn]

There were these three guys outside of a bar. There was a black guy, a white guy, and a chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgious women.

Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream.

The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.

The chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the chinese guy goes "Me chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"

[Fuxconn]

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

[Fuxconn]

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

[ah rat]

Ancient Chinese WISDOM

Woman asks:
If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a man sleeps with 10 girls, everyone calls him a real man. How come?

Man replies:
It's very simple
Confucius say 'When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock.
But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a master key!

[Oooh~La~La]

A group of husbands once put their heads together to discuss how to stand up to their wives. They elected as chairperson the one man among them who most feared his wife. When the meeting began, another person came running in a flurry, and reported, �You�re all in trouble! Your wives have found out about your activities and have agreed to surround and attack you.�

The husbands were greatly surprised and frightened at the news, and they scattered in every direction, all, except the chairman, who sat still in his chair without moving. At first the others thought that this time the chairman was really going to stand up to his wife; but in fact, what happened was that he was literally scared to death.

Strangely enough though, after some time passed the chairman regained confusion, asked him how it was that being dead he could come back to life.

He replied, �At first I was dead, but I happened to bump into my wife in the nether world and she scared the living daylights back into me

[Oooh~La~La]

"The Chinese Girl"

A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking Chinese girl.

She appears to be all over him and soon asks him back to her place "for a coffee".

When they get to her flat, she tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable....

Just as he finishes getting the drink, the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee.

"I am your sex slave!" she says, "I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want!"

Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can't believe his luck, so he says, "I really fancy a 69."



"F**k Off" replies the girl, "I'm not cooking at this time of night."

[Oooh~La~La]

A Chinese family goes on a skydiving trip. They all have parachutes and jump. The baby did not know how to use the parachute, so he grabbed onto his dad's butt. The dad farts, so the baby falls down, goes through the roof, and suprisingly lands in his room in his crib. Two hours later, the family gets home. They look at the baby in his crib and ask him how he got home so soon.
The Chinese baby responded, "Me Chinese me no dumb, da go poot me go zoom that how me get home so soon."

[Oooh~La~La]

Secs Sandals

A couple walked into a tourist shop in Jamaica. The Jamaican said to them, I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. “Dey makes you wild at secs.”

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the secs God he was.

The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a secs freak?” The Jamaican replied, “Just try dem on, Mon.” So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, “You got dem on the de wrong feet man! You got dem on de wrong feet!”