How long did you not have sex with your wife or gf?

[beingunknown200]

Originally Posted by jemz

i hope not all local guys are like that.

-give up, disappointed, emotionally and mentally drained-

Dont worry there are still good guys out there. Watched a taiwanese show,one of the guest celebrity said that 世上没有坏男人或好男人，而是可以和你对上的男人.Guess every guy have the potential to be good or bad,but really how a girl match up with the guy.For you, unfortunately it was a bad match.

Have you tried to give him the cold treatment? i.e. dont give him sex, dont pay for the bills, just drop everything and wait and see...Do you think this treatment can work on him? Will he take the initiative?

If he still doesnt do anything, hai, then I can only say that he really let down the name of 男人.

[jemz]

no la..

i cant bear to see him die like that actually. and also the house got my name.. later all the bills come. i die with him leh. den that time, how?

i think the sex part dont really bother him. i also sian of asking him. have or dont have also like that. if completely no sex, i just look for outside ba. no strings attached since all the husband duties he cannot fulfill.

reverse roles. now im like the man of the house

[giggz83]

Originally Posted by jemz

no la..

i cant bear to see him die like that actually. and also the house got my name.. later all the bills come. i die with him leh. den that time, how?

i think the sex part dont really bother him. i also sian of asking him. have or dont have also like that. if completely no sex, i just look for outside ba. no strings attached since all the husband duties he cannot fulfill.

reverse roles. now im like the man of the house

sis jem,

you're a good wife, married to the wrong guy. sometimes, life do play jokes on people ..

maybe to you, its a joke gone too far. theres something, i dont like to say, but .. if your situation is a irreversible one. then, divorce mayb a better option.

but still, i wish you, all the best.

[beingunknown200]

Originally Posted by jemz

i think the sex part dont really bother him. i also sian of asking him. have or dont have also like that. if completely no sex, i just look for outside ba. no strings attached since all the husband duties he cannot fulfill.

reverse roles. now im like the man of the house

Wah sounds like you really can do without him. Actually sometimes I just wonder that women can just do without man, since they can be quite independent and self-sufficient, both in a sexual n non-sexual way I can only say that guys should really buck up and show their women the value of man's existence,hai.

Anyway R.E.S.P.E.C.T for all women, for having to put up with the shit from men.

[jemz]

i've moved home for now. donno what are my next plans. but just now went back to talk with him, seems like hitting a dead-end.

i think most likely its irreconciliable. he said to give us a try. this time he will take the financial responsibilities like a man. i'm still considering to give him that chance or not. though as much what is left of my love for him, i've already lost the faith and trust in him.

i find that even if i did give us that chance, i will just slack coz' i've given us far too many chances. some of them are really unforgivable. a part of me for the r/s is already dead.

ya, i really hope he will buck up. i pray also he will revive back the old feelings of mutual trust and we learn to love each other again. i'm just completely worn and drained from his antics. for the first time, the talk we had, i could just walk out and feel completely alright. its a damn bad sign.

haix...already invested so much effort, money and time on this r/s. i also dowan to see it game over so soon.

[beingunknown200]

to sis jemz,

Usually I would support couples to work through their problems and not give up...esp if both sides havent given each other enough chances. Hai but since you have...I think you would know the answer to your question. Cant blame you for feeling the way you feel now. Dont tink its a bad sign, but it could an answer to your reservations. Dont get me wrong, I am not encouraging you to divorce. If there is still room and hope to salvage the situation, I support you to do so! Anyway, I think it would be better if you didnt factor in the effort, money, time spent on this r/s. Cos in the long run, the price of your future happiness definitely is worth more than the sunk costs. Hope I am not contradicting myself here...cant tink straight at 3am!

Hope you find the light at the end of your tunnel soon...

[5ag1_Boar]

Originally Posted by jemz

i've moved home for now. donno what are my next plans. but just now went back to talk with him, seems like hitting a dead-end.

i think most likely its irreconciliable. he said to give us a try. this time he will take the financial responsibilities like a man. i'm still considering to give him that chance or not. though as much what is left of my love for him, i've already lost the faith and trust in him.

i find that even if i did give us that chance, i will just slack coz' i've given us far too many chances. some of them are really unforgivable. a part of me for the r/s is already dead.

ya, i really hope he will buck up. i pray also he will revive back the old feelings of mutual trust and we learn to love each other again. i'm just completely worn and drained from his antics. for the first time, the talk we had, i could just walk out and feel completely alright. its a damn bad sign.

haix...already invested so much effort, money and time on this r/s. i also dowan to see it game over so soon.

Jemz,

Since you have moved out, then tell him to prove himself before you go back to him. No point for you to go back to him if he in the end NATO again.

Give him a set of goals to fulfil, like start saving money, get a better paying job, start paying certain bills. Only when he fulfils all this then you go back. He must of course continue doing all this when you go back.

They also act as some sort of criteria for you to be objective. Set more criteria for yourself (write them down somewhere) to determine whether you will go back to him.

Have you wondered why he is like this? Maybe he has low self-esteem and do not think he can do these things (excel in job, etc). Maybe you can help by being supportive and help him overcome all these psychological problems, rather than just the tangible stuff like paying bills, working, housework, etc.

(This part is a bit too late, since you have moved out, but perhaps you can think of a way to apply the tip.) Maybe he feels pressured that you complain that he only helps to mop floor but you have to do so much more housework. Reverse it and thank him for mopping the floor. Then ask him whether he can help do a bit more. For everything he does, encourage him by thanking him, instead of criticisming him for not doing more.

Meanwhile, you guys can still date each other. Fix a regular day for him bring you out. Once every one or two weeks. No need to be fancy everytime. Normal dates like movies, stroll on the beach, maybe even just a meal at your favourite hawker stall followed by a good stroll or chat. Of course, hint to him that once in a while he should plan special dates complete with dinner, etc. The idea is to keep the relationship alive during the separation. During the dates, TRY very hard not to fight. If you fight during the date, it's counter-effective.

In addition, get a separation deed done. All it does is declare that from a certain date onwards you have moved out of the house. It's just for convenience, so that in 3 years time, if both of you agree to divorce, you can do so based on 3 yrs separation. The deed will also state things like maintenance (yeah, I know he got nothing to give you), distribution of assests, etc, but that is only to simplify things if you want to divorce later. I think you can leave that out if you wish (it just means fight for assets now, or fight for assets later). The important thing is the date of separation.

In the deed, normally there is also a clause saying that either party can bother the other and either party can date other people without being considered as adultery (which is a basis of divorce). That can be changed too, if both of you agree that neither can date others.

The things that I'm not sure about, you can check with any lawyer.

Also, with a deed of separation, you can ask for a divorce after 4yrs without consent from him.

In the meantime, keep all your bills, bank statements, etc. To prove that you have been paying for most things.

[5ag1_Boar]

Oh yeah, fix a deadline for him to prove himself. Like half to 2 years. Then he cannot say later that you did not give him enough time.

[surfer888]

Originally Posted by jemz

i've moved home for now. donno what are my next plans. but just now went back to talk with him, seems like hitting a dead-end.

Brave of you to do this. I have thoughts of this but could never do it.

Meanwhile, since you are away... make him do nice stuff for you. Delay your appreciation (if any) just so that you can get him to be nicer to you for longer.

[LordVader]

Originally Posted by jemz

i dont think it's true when no money equates no honey. my husband has no money, but i still love him. a whole lot in fact. it just upsets me that he has got bad habits that he doesnt kick and the money isnt pouring in. in fact, if i earn 5k a month and he prefers to stay at home, i don't mind supporting him.

Do you love him or are you so accustomed to being with him that you rather not have a change in life?

Most Human beings don't like change.

So my point is are you hanging on to the marriage because you really love him or because you are so used to him that a change is catastrophic to you?

[Rainman]

Originally Posted by jemz

thx for the encouragement...

hope the guys here will never treat your wives like that. if you know she's trying, do be more encouraging. even praising her for simple things like the house is so neat, food is nice, blah blah... its really nice to hear some words to make our job worthwhile.

Well well,

Like I said, women like u are no longer around these days.

We have maid and all she does coming home from work is sit there and watch tv.

That's modern Singapore Girls lah.

Cheers

[Rainman]

Originally Posted by sagiboar

Jemz,


In addition, get a separation deed done. All it does is declare that from a certain date onwards you have moved out of the house. It's just for convenience, so that in 3 years time, if both of you agree to divorce, you can do so based on 3 yrs separation. The deed will also state things like maintenance (yeah, I know he got nothing to give you), distribution of assests, etc, but that is only to simplify things if you want to divorce later. I think you can leave that out if you wish (it just means fight for assets now, or fight for assets later). The important thing is the date of separation.

In the deed, normally there is also a clause saying that either party can bother the other and either party can date other people without being considered as adultery (which is a basis of divorce). That can be changed too, if both of you agree that neither can date others.

The things that I'm not sure about, you can check with any lawyer.

Also, with a deed of separation, you can ask for a divorce after 4yrs without consent from him.

It's 4 years without consent from the other party.

However, u may back date the day/date u are separated, that is even when living in the same house but never sleep together. I got additional one year from that since she refused to consent to the divorce.

Cheers

[5ag1_Boar]

Doesn't backdating require both party to agree (i.e. declare in writing that the separation is from X date)? Or if not, require one party to prove beyond doubt?

It can also get both parties and their respective lawyers into trouble if the law ever finds out. Of course, the chance of that happening isn't very high.

As I understand it, even if you live in the same home, you can only call it separation if both parties sleep in separate rooms, no sex, and no doing of household chores for the other. I.e. no cooking, washing laundry, etc for the other.

[giggz83]

Originally Posted by Rainman

Well well,

Like I said, women like u are no longer around these days.

We have maid and all she does coming home from work is sit there and watch tv.

That's modern Singapore Girls lah.

Cheers

hahaha ..

good one!! struck a chord somewhere in my memory ...

mmm .. sounds familiar ... seen it somewhere ..

yeah .. modern spore girls.

[allyyong]

About divorce, how about being married for 8 years leow, can we get a divorce immediately? Do we need a seperation?

I also run into some problems with my hubby, enough is enough. I am just asking around abt seperation and divorce, although I dun intend to do it now.