Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

One Sunday morning, a young woman, who needed forgiveness for her sins, came to a Baptist church.

She got up in front of the congregation and stated, "Last week, I slept with a young soldier who picked me up at a bar and now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."

"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation.

She continued, "Two days ago, I slept with a young sailor, but now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."

"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again.

"But tonight, because I have come here and done my penance, I will sleep with the Lord," she finished.

But before the congregation could respond, an old drunk in the back yelled out in a clear voice, "That's right momma, fuck 'em all."

[bigbirdbird]

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights," she went upstairs.

Immediately, all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!"
and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse,"
etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt,"
"skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.

Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.

Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Finally, Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods, so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" And from the next dwarf down to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

[bigbirdbird]

One day, Tony died.

When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away.

He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 250 pound, hopelessly stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.

Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead.

Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with.

When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money... even more then you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centrefold.

Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon.

They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining.

This has been absolutely the best time, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to.

There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.

After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Fucking income taxes!"

[bigbirdbird]

Race car driver..


The race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.\

"What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'What a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my muff and yelled, 'Who the hell left the garage door open?!'"

[ah rat]

Have a laugh at Mahathir's expense


Mahathir suffers a serious heart attack and dies.
With his track record, obviously he goes to Hell where good ol' Satan awaits his arrival.

Yo man, I'm not really sure what to do, says the Devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm left with no choice but to let someone else go".
Now there's three folks here who weren't as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you will have to take their place. But I'll let you decide who leaves. Despite the conditions, Mahathir thought that it was good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room.
In it, was Tun Abdul Razak and a large pool of boiling hot urine. He kept diving in and out, over and over. Such was his fate in Hell. "No!" said Mahathir, "I don't think so, as I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I will be able to stay in hot urine all day".
The Devil takes him to the next room.
In it was Tun Abdullah Ahmad Badawi
armed with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer time after time."No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day", commented Mahathir.
The Devil opened the third door.
In it, Mahathir saw Mohd Najib lying
on the floor with his hands staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose.
Bent over him was the gorgeous looking Mongolian, Altantuya, giving him a good blow-job.
Mahathir looked in total disbelief for a while, and finally cried out, "Yeah, I can definitely handle this".
The Devil smiled and said,
OK Altantuya, you're free to go!!!!

[bigbirdbird]

After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?"

"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink."

[bigbirdbird]

Pick Up Lines that Might Get You Slapped

1. Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.

2. Let's play Titanic, when I say 'ICEBERG', you go down.

3. You must be a high jumper, because you make my bar rise.

4. If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?

5. Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you wearing a bra?

6. Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?

7. You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself in your pants.

8. What time do you have to be in heaven.

9. I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?

10. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

11. How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up.

12. I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?

13. Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?

14. Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO" - Can I?

15. Playing Doctors is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist ?

16. If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.

17. Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? "No?" Well then, allow me to introduce myself.

18. The word for the day is 'Legs'. Lets go back to my place and spread the word.

19. The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.

20. Hi my name's Michael - Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it later on.

21. I'm new in town, could you give me directions to your place?

22. I love every bone in your body. Especially mine.

23. That's a nice smile, its just too bad that's not the only thing you're wearing.

24. All those curves, and me with no brakes.

25. Nice outfit, but it would look better on my bedroom floor.

26. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

[bigbirdbird]

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."

"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"

"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

[knnstung]

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, and dirty Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

[knnstung]

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

[knnstung]

Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, and wants some dirty fun so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."

[knnstung]

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.

He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

[knnstung]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

[knnstung]

A young female teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz "behind my back I've got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it?" she asked. "an apple" replied little Raymond "no," said the teacher " it's a tomato but it shows your thinking." "I've now got something round, a greenish colored you can eat it." "An apple," replied little Ian "No it's an onion, but it shows your thinking." Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says "I've got something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end." "Dirty little boy," said the teacher "No it's a match, but it shows you were thinking," he answered.

[knnstung]

A famous pilot was having dinner with a brunette and when they finished they headed to a hotel. He calls room service and asked for a bottle of red wine. When it arrived he put some red wine on the brunettes lips and started kissing her. She asks what the red wine is for and he replies, "For when I have red meat - I have red wine." "Oooohh" she says. A little while later the pilot jumps back onto the phone and orders some white wine. It arrives moments later, he splashes it on her rack and starts kissing her tits. She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, "For when I have white meat - I have white wine." Eventually he works his way down to her cunt, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff and lights it on fire. "Aaahhhhhhh, why the fuck did you do that!?!" she yells. The pilot replies, "For when I go down, I want to go down in flames."