Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Kalamata]

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she more...

[Kalamata]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just more..

[Kalamata]

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

[Kalamata]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

[Kalamata]

A blonde, brunette and a redhead were chosen to be apart of a science experiment.
The scientist said "Think of any place you would like to go and you will instantly be there"
The brunette said "I want to go to Australia"
Instantly she was poofed to Australia
Then the redhead said "I want to go to Antarctica" and instantly she was poofed to Antarctica"
The blonde said " I want to go to the sun"
The scientist said "but you will burn to death"
Blonde replied" duhh ill go at night"

[Kalamata]

A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive.
The woman says to the clerk at the counter, "I'm looking to buy a pet for my husband but I'm on a very short budget!."
"No worries," replies the clerk.
"We've just ordered in a very large bullfrog that can give bl*wjobs."
"Bl*wjobs," says the woman, buying the frog, thinking it would be a great gag gift, so she goes home and gives the frog to her husband explaining the frogs talent.
With a laugh the husband walks off leaving the frog in the kitchen.
In the middle of the night the woman wakes up to the sound of pots and pans flying around in the kitchen.
She goes down to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing?" she asks.
"Well," says the husband. "If I can teach this frog to cook you are outta here."

[Fmcane]

超强对联


上海某大学男生给大胸女同学乙出上联求对：
“上海自来水来自海上。”
顺念倒念完全一样，难度极大！

波霸女生乙对曰：
“山东落花生花落东山”；

男生甲遂出绝对：
“大波美人鱼人美波大”，
波霸女生乙对曰
“明天到操场操到天明！”。
男生落败！

[Fmcane]

法國......
巴黎很浪漫的露天 coffee shop，有對法國情侶。那男生一直盯著女生看，看到那女生不好意思臉都紅起來了，
忽然間！男生很正經地跟她講：「妳爸爸是不是當小偷的？」
「不是啊！我爸爸是當員警的，為什這樣問啊！」
「奇怪，如果妳爸爸不是當小偷，他怎麼能夠把天上的星星，摘下來放在妳的眼睛裏呢！」

香港……
有個學生，聽完這個以後，覺得極正，回去馬上就照著做……
他去找他女朋友，一直看著她一直看著她，
看了那女孩子很不好意思，忽然間他冒出一句話：
「妳爸爸是不是做建築的？」
「你為什麼說我爸爸是做建築的，我爸公務員啊！」
「奇怪，如果妳爸不是做建築的，怎麼能夠把飛機場建在妳的胸上呢！」

內地......
有個混旦，聽完這個以後，又覺得極正，回去馬上就照著做……
他去找他女朋友，一直看著她一直看著她，
看了那女孩子很不好意思，忽然間他冒出一句話：
「妳爸爸是不是廚師？」
「你為什麼說我爸爸是廚師，我爸是拳師啊！」
「奇怪，如果妳爸不是廚師，怎麼能夠培育出一塊豬扒呢！」

[soundlab]

Talking To God

A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the clouds.
He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.
"God," he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "Sure! Just a minute."

[soundlab]

The Pirate
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.
Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman.
"What about the hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords.
One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman.
"How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well..." said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

[soundlab]

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "Whatcha doing, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fat cat."

[bigbirdbird]

Miss Malaysia


Reason why English should be taught in Malaysian schools - especially proper pronunciation.


One of the main reasons why in recent years the Malaysian Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representatives were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago.

It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA , Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore were being asked 3 simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with 'L'
Miss USA : Lamp
Miss Singapore : Light bulb
Miss Malaysia : LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter 'L'

MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lion
Miss Singapore : Leopard
Miss Malaysia : LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!

MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with 'L'
Miss USA : Lexus
Miss Singapore : Lamborghini
Miss Malaysia : Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!

MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lemon
Miss Singapore : Lychee
Miss Malaysia , with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN!!

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Malaysia should really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss Malaysia was having so many problems with the letter 'L', they decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lung (applause)
Miss Singapore : Liver (even more applause)
Miss Malaysia : LAN CIAU!

The Judges fainted..!!! "

[bigbirdbird]

Confucius Say
A penis has a hole in the end so men can be open minded.

Confucius Say
Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea how she'll be in bed.

Confucius Say
Man with five dicks will have pants that fit like a glove.

Confucius Say
It's ok to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you.

Confucius Say
To reuse a condom, turn it inside out and shake the f*ck out of it

Confucius Say
Men screw with dicks; women screw with minds.

Confucius Say
Masturbation is a solo played on a private organ.

Confucius Say
Mother's Day comes nine months after father's day.

Confucius Say
A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius Say
It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you're done.

[daring70]

i think i know this one : ...... that the ladies is out of paper ....

Originally Posted by Kalamata

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she more...

[nightfly1966]

果然超强！Gd 1 bro!

Originally Posted by Fmcane

超强对联


上海某大学男生给大胸女同学乙出上联求对：
“上海自来水来自海上。”
顺念倒念完全一样，难度极大！

波霸女生乙对曰：
“山东落花生花落东山”；

男生甲遂出绝对：
“大波美人鱼人美波大”，
波霸女生乙对曰
“明天到操场操到天明！”。
男生落败！