Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Notsocheap]

ODE TO A PENIS



I'll tell you a short poem;
I'll try to make it quick.
You might think it quite harmless;
You might well find it sick.
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things;
You ladies should be jealous.
Ever since the early days,
When it was small and hairless;
I've looked upon that bit of flesh,
As something very precious.

It starts to grow dramatically,
When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side;
Your willy in between.
When erect it's quite a sight;
A purple love machine.

It dangles neatly down below;
Obedient and loyal.
Its seeds are hidden well within;
Awaiting some fresh soil.
At the slightest hint of lust,
It's ready to uncoil.

It has a mind all of its own;
It's like a wild beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out;
When you expect it least.
You can't control its energy;
You must wait 'til it's ceased.

Handle it with love and care;
For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend?
And when did you last measure?
Still, no matter what its length;
It's something you should treasure.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves;
Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off;
Just when you wish it wouldn't.
Did that lady notice it?
You blush and hope she couldn't.

Some people fret about its size;
They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes blokes quite distraught.
They peek across in public loos,
And try not to get caught.

Masturbating is a sin;
That's what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives' tales;
Outdated and naive.
And if you're feeling tense or stressed,
A quick wank does relieve.

Without this fabulous device,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best;
But must admit defeat.
And what a handy tool it is,
When one needs to excrete.

The penis is quite marvelous;
It has so many uses.
For women it is special too;
Excitement it induces.
And babies can be procreated,
From its sperm-filled juices.

And always it remains with you;
Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in jail.
Just look at it and feel proud;
And thank the lord you're male.

[Notsocheap]

HOW TO GROW A BIG PENIS



When I'm in the showers I get pissed of by people constantly asking me "How did you get such a big manhood?" Shamed by their shriveled up two inch long snakes they often ask me for advice, and so I've decided to help all guys out there and tell you how to grow a big willie to impress the girls with.

DOES SIZE MATTER?

Well, put it this way, the vagina is on average four inches deep. And so in theory anything bigger than that will be more than enough. But in practice when you listen in to girls talking (he he) they sure ain't talking about the size of bananas in the trees.

HOW DO I GROW IT THEN?

Well, don't shove it in a pile of horse shit - It ain't a plant you know. So here are the methods;

THE TRADITIONAL WAY

This is the way Amazon Tribes and some African tribes use to make their willies big. It works best when the person is still very young - but will still work no matter what your age. What you do is attach a heavy rock or stone to a piece of rope/string - whatever, then hang the heavy stone from your willie. Walking about with a heavy stone hanging from your willie may hurt it but it really does stretch it. That's why the tribes mentioned have used this method for thousands of years.

THE SCIENTIFIC WAY

Way One... As everyone knows the human body is just a load of chemicals bunched together. Genes determine the height of a person - but they can also determine the size of your willie. So if daddy has a tiny willie you can expect the same too. But don't cry yet. Scientists using growth hormones can alter the height of a person to make them taller than they would have been. In the same way they can also give you doses of testosterone and other hormones to make your willie bigger than it would have been if nature had taken its course. As far as I'm aware this method only really works well in children.

THE OPERATION

By this I DON'T mean transplanting the penis from a well endowed man who has died to you. In the U.S.A. an operation can be done to lengthen your willie. It costs approximately 7000 dollars. It can make you longer by anything from three quarters of an inch to two inches. What they do is snip the suspensory ligaments which attaches the penis to your body, which allows the penis to hang freely and subsequently lengthens it. They also inject fat from your body into the penis making it thicker too. You're still able to get a proper hard-on and the doctor who performs the operation (who was speaking on "This Morning" on ITV) said that out of the thousands of operations he has performed only one or two were unsatisfactory in that they didn't make the willies grow longer.

Certain steroids can boost this operation in childhood too. The operation also works best in childhood - but will still work okay in older men. So if you have children and you want them to have massive willies then get the operation done on them and give them growth hormones and voila!

SHORT BACK AND SIDES

If you don't have the stomach for an operation and you don't fancy the idea of walking about with a heavy stone on your willie then you could always shave some of the pubic hair from around your willie to make the shaft look longer.

THE EXTENSION KIT

Yep, that's right. You can get a plastic thing that attaches onto the end of your manhood. They're usually about two inches long and can be found advertised in the adverts of most porn mags. But don't blame me if it falls off halfway through doing it (the extension I mean).

THE DEVELOPER

Hmmm, bit dodgy this one. Penis developers, like extension kits, can be found in the pages of most porno mags. What they are is a tube in which you place your prized organ into, then you use a pump to pump it around your willie nice n tight so as to stretch it (I think it works just like the pump when you're getting your blood pressure taken).

THE LAST RESORT

If all else fails all you can hope for is a miracle. Start praying and attending church regularly. If this fails take a trip to Lourdes in France and bathe in the holy water.

BUT WHAT IF THAT FAILS TOO?

Then you can start crying! You'll just have to make do with a small willie. The best advice I can offer you is to find yourself a virgin who hasn't been stretched like a train tunnel. She'll have tight pussy muscles which haven't been made loose by ugly looking men and so she won't need a big willie to fill her up. She'll also not know what the average size of a mans penis is (having never seen one) and so she will just accept it as normal sized.

BUT HOW DO I KNOW IF IT DOESN'T MEASURE UP?

According to various articles I came across in my research the average length of a willie is anything between five and six and a half inches. So if you're shorter than that start worrying... I'm not a poof so I don't go around measuring peoples willies, so we will just have to take those magazine articles word for it!

Well that's all for now folks. Remember to try the methods, but remember the old saying that "Size isn't everything" too (As long as you've got a big willie).

[bigbirdbird]

Signs She Is Bored In Bed:

20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."

19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.

18. Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"

17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

16. Only moans during commercial breaks.

15. Starts her fake orgasm during foreplay.

14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.

10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda,Yadda."

9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.

8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.

7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!!

4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

2. She yells out her own name.

1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny was taking a bath one day, when his mother came in to use the bathroom. Curiosly, Johnny viewed his mother's anatomy while she was sitting down.

"Mommy,", Johnny asked, "what's that between your legs?"

His mother replied, "Why that's where your dad hit me with an axe."

"Came awfully fuckin' close to your cunt, didn't he?" he replied.

[bigbirdbird]

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'...slip in to the old bag.

Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up while not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

[bigbirdbird]

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation".

The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a provate room.

20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"

The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."

She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.

"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"


*************

Little Johnny is wandering up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out.

"What's the matter fella?" asked a stock boy.

"I've lost my mommy!" wailed Little Johnny.

"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothed the stock boy.

"Now tell me, what's mommy like?"

"Bourbon and men with big, hard cocks," sobbed Little Johnny.

[bigbirdbird]

A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off.

He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor.

He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in.

The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?"

"Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.

The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about? This is a marshmallow!"

"Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmallow on the way in here!"

[bigbirdbird]

A man walks into a bar and winks at a pretty girl at the other end "bartender", he says, "I'd like to buy that lady a drink."

"Don't do it," the bartender says, "She's a lesbian."

"You're crazy," he said, "She's beautiful and she winked back."

So the bartender gives her the drink.

A minute later she moves down and thanks the gentleman.

"Bartender," he says, "Give the lady another drink."

"I'm warning you," the bartender says as he hands her the drink.

After she finishes this drink she asks if he would like to see her breast.

"YES!!!" he says and the woman lifts her blouse.

After the next drink, and another warning from the bartender, she takes his hand and asks, "Would you like to touch my ass?"

The gentleman replies "OH, YES!!!, DEFINITELY!!!"

So he sits with his hand on her bottom and asks for another drink.

The bartender, thoroughly impressed by now and convinced he was wrong in his judgement obliges.

After this she asks " Are you ready to taste a hot, wet, sweet pussy?"

"THANK YOU GOD!!!", the man exclaims, and then "YES!!!!!!!"

At this the attractive lady grabs him by his tie pulls him close, kisses him and says, "Hope you enjoyed!"

[bigbirdbird]

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.

The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited."

The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."

The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

[barbet]

a big thanks for all who shared here.

[Cum_Luver]

年轻的夫妻俩与儿子同睡一张床。半夜，夫妻俩偷偷亲密，突然发现儿子不见了！

找了半天，原来儿子抱着膝盖躲在门后。夫妻忙喊道：“快回来，门后风大！”

儿子愤怒的说：“少骗人，被窝里风更大！！”

[Cum_Luver]

一个老处女一直找不到对象，实在是太绝望了！于是她选择了跳楼自杀！没想到，她跳下楼后，恰巧落入一辆运香 蕉的卡车里！

老处女一睁眼，以为到了天堂，闭着眼睛摸着满车的香蕉，深情地说：“不要慌，一个一个来！”

[Cum_Luver]

某市的“妓女”一日来到市议会要求给他们一个正式的职业名称。
议员：你们打算用什么称号呢？妓女不好吗？
妓女：不是不好，我们是要更正式的名称！
议员：那你们要用什么？
妓女：我们要用新的名称--妓者。此时原本在旁的记者们勃然大怒。
记者：怎么可以呢？？这样不是混淆视听？？
此时妓女们大声说道：怎么不可以呢？你们记者是“服务业”，我们也是！你们是“欢迎来稿”，我们也是“欢迎 来搞”呀！

[bigbirdbird]

PENSION SEX
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'


________________________________________
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

________________________________________
QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
The man replied 'She'd rather have a new kitchen.'


________________________________________
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX


A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '


________________________________________

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs and he couldn't get back in.



ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... He could also fly.'

[bigbirdbird]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's,
they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
With wrinkles on his forehead, the son asked: "Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration."