Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[3-in-1]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

[3-in-1]

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her. I’m going crazy! What do you think I should do?” “Relax…” says the Doctor, “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s Bar?”

[3-in-1]

A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife, “What’s the problem?” She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.” The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?” The husband replies, “Well not exactly, she’s the one that suffers, not me.”

[3-in-1]

This guy visits the doctors and says, “Doc… I think I’ve got a sex problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.” The doctor says, “Come back tomorrow and bring her with you.” The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, “Take off your clothes and lie on the table.” She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, “You’re fine. She doesn’t give me a hard on either.”

[3-in-1]

Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. Laying there in the stirrups, the woman tilted her head up and glanced over at the doctor to see him undoing his belt and dropping his pants. “Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?” she yelled in a panic. “Don’t you want to get pregnant?” asked the doctor. “Well, yes, but…” stammered the woman. “Well lie back and spread ‘em,” replied the doctor. “We’re out of the bottled stuff, so you’ll just have to settle for what’s on tap.”

[ihateyou]

A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog.

Picking the frog up, she comments on the creatures rather hideous appearance.........

Princess: My but you are really an ugly frog!

Frog: I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me.

Princess: Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you.

Frog: Look, I told you lady, it's a Really bad spell.

Princess: Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a Prince?

Frog: I don't know lady, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job.

[ihateyou]

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

[ihateyou]

A young man excitingly tells his mother he's fallen in love and wants to get married.

He says, 'Mum, just for fun, I'm going to bring home three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry'.

The mother agrees.....The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sat them on the couch.

He then says, 'Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry'.

She immediately replies, 'The redhead in the middle'.

Stunned, the young man said, 'That's amazing Ma, you're right, how did you know?'

'I don't like her', she replied.

[ihateyou]

Paddy and Sean were on the 8th green by the road at Romanby golf club when a funeral cortege passed by as they were about to play.

Paddy removed his cap bowed his head and stood in reverence as the cortege passed by.

Sean remarked to Paddy as the procession passed, I didn’t know you were that religious Paddy?

I’m not replied Paddy but I lived with her for 36 years so you have to show a little respect, don't you.

[ihateyou]

A man meets a woman on the golf course, and they get along pretty well during the game.

After the 18th, they head off to a hotel and soon after, they are right into it.

When they finished, he rolled over and reached for the phone. "who are you calling?" she asked. "Room service - I wouldn`t mind a drink."he said.

"Greg Norman only asks for a drink after he has done it twice." she replied.

So, he drops the phone, hops on again and they are once more involved. He rolls off, and reaches for the phone again.

"Who are you calling now?" "Room service - I`m a bit hungry." "Greg Norman only asks for food after he has done it THREE times" she said.

He looks a bit worried, but puts the phone down and manages to entertain her one more time.

He rolls off and reaches once more for the phone. "Who are you calling NOW?!!!" she asked. "Greg Norman - I want to find out what is par for this farking hole!!"

[ihateyou]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.

His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

[ihateyou]

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms.

Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?"

The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."

[ihateyou]

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains.

They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered.

The old man asked if they were OK....."Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"

[ihateyou]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again.

You scared the fucking daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver.

I’ve been driving a horse for the last 25 years.”

[bigbirdbird]

I have to share this:


The length of a penis is 3 x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's. Women blink 2 x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb.