Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING Kissing/Light Petting What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"

Undressing What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"

Foreplay/Oral Sex What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."

Penetration What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!" What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"

Your Orgasm What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!" What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance."
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"

Post coital Bliss what he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."

[bigbirdbird]

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place an object behind her and describe it.

The first person to get it got a piece of candy. First she said, "The object is red and grows on trees."

A kid raised his hand and said "an apple" the teacher said correct.

Then she said, "The object is flat and comes in different colors" a different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook!

The teacher said correct.

Then Johnny said, "ooh! ooh! Can I try?"

The teacher said yes.

He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said "The object is round, hard, and has a head on it."

The teacher said "JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!"

Johnny said, "No it's a quarter!"

[bigbirdbird]

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the priest. "Father, I am sinful."

"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her.

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father?......... Father?"

Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Priest was not there. So he began searching for him. "Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. "Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

[bigbirdbird]

Oprah goes to the doctor with a sore throat, and he says, "Take off all of your clothes, lie on your back on my table, and spread your legs as wide as you can."

She says, "How will that help my sore throat?"

He says, "It won't, but I want to see how my house will look painted black with pink shutters."

[seesaw]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year-old rancher in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."

[seesaw]

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,

"You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel."

[luvmenot]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you`re unintelligent, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you`re unintelligent, Little Johnny? "No, ma`am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[soundlab]

Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and makes love to her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.


So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouts..................


'I'll do the dishes!!!

[kawa]

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.


Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter ?


Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.


Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.


Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.


Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?


Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.


Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

[bigbirdbird]

A local lady, one of our group members, was having breakfast at the fancy Ritz-Carlton restaurant down in Naples. She was making a bit of a fuss, "Now, young man," she demanded of the waiter. "Make sure my toast is crisp, my egg is soft but not runny, and I will not abide sausage with the mixed grill. One sight of sausage makes the short curly hairs on the back of my head stand on end."

"What a coincidence," commented the waiter. " Usually just the sight of short curly hairs makes my sausage stand on end."

[bigbirdbird]

Senior Tips on Making Love!


Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is realy there.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

6. Use extra poly-grip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.




.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . ... . . . . .. .. . . . . .

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You're not sure if these are jokes or facts.

[bigbirdbird]

An Indian Boy

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

[10toes]

Simple TruthsSimple Truth 1
--------------
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed!


Simple Truth 2
--------------
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying, "Congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated!

[10toes]

The Cheating Husband

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. She was filled with rage and With super-human strength, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to....to....cut it off are you?!"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said:

"Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[10toes]

The Two Drunks And A Hot Dog

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."

The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"

The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"

The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."

So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.

The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."

The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"