Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread] - Page 267

Sammyboyforum · #**3991** 11-07-2011, 11:54 AM

Send the Body Home

An American man went on vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. While they were visiting Jerusalem, the mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, he went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangement to send the body back to the United States for proper burial. The Consul warned that to send a body back to the US for burial was an extremely expensive business and could cost as much as $10,000.

"In most cases," advise the Consul, "the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. That would only cost $300."

The man gave it some careful thought before answering: "I don't mind how much it's going to cost to send the body back home; that's what I want to do."

The Consul remarked: "Considering the difference in price, you must have been extremely fond of your mother-in-law."

"No, it's not that," said the man. "You see, there was a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"

luvmenot · #**3992** 11-07-2011, 08:58 PM

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.

One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."

bigbirdbird · #**3993** 13-07-2011, 10:59 AM

beary · #**3994** 15-07-2011, 12:11 PM

Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?

A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana

----------------------------------------------------------
Alex was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen.

One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.

"Hey," Alex shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"

"I'm sick of sports, I'm sick of TV," she replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"

"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think Beckham gets laid?"

beary · #**3995** 15-07-2011, 12:14 PM

A fellow on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife.

"My God! I never realized you had such huge droopy breasts."

The wife has a major dummy spit and throws him out of the room.

While he is sitting in the hall another fellow comes out down the hall
.
"What happened?" asks the first man.

"Well" replies the other "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was "Hells bells! I didn't realize you had such a big fat droopy Arse..." Then she threw me out.

Just then a third fellow comes storming out into the hall with a face like thunder
.
"Hey" says the second fellow, "did you put your foot in it as well ?"

"No" says the third fellow, "But, I bloody well could have!"

beary · #**3996** 15-07-2011, 12:14 PM

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sum Wan ..And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident.
Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now,
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

yuhong · #**3997** 15-07-2011, 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by konnects

George W Bush meets Moses!

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES, I AM!"

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.

The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!

this so funny

kumboo · #**3998** 16-07-2011, 02:37 PM

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said,"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked,"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

kumboo · #**3999** 16-07-2011, 02:38 PM

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man came to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doctor, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yes, none of us could get the jar open."

kumboo · #**4000** 16-07-2011, 02:39 PM

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

kumboo · #**4001** 16-07-2011, 02:42 PM

The Nun was teaching Sunday school and was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first". "What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
Now,Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her. The nun fainted.

kumboo · #**4002** 16-07-2011, 02:44 PM

A little boy walked in the room when his mom was stepping out of the shower. He stared at the black wonder of fur in between her legs. The little boy asked, "Mommy, mommy what is that?" And the mom said, "Why, that's my black sponge." and so the little boy left the mother hopping he would never bring it up again.

Later that day when his mom was in the kitchen, he said, "Mommy, mommy, I spilled some milk on the table, can I use your black sponge?" She thought quick and said, "I'm sorry dear, but I've lost it." So then the little walked out of the kitchen and came back a couple minutes later saying, "Mommy, mommy I found your black sponge, Mrs. Johnson next door is using it to clean daddy's face."

NihonDaisuki · #**4003** 16-07-2011, 03:20 PM

3 singaporean soldiers were caught by the german nazis and held in captivity. They were tortured everyday for info and knew they wouldn't survive long. Therefore, they decided to escape.

Not far infront of their cell is a machine invented by the Nazi mad scientist. It is capable of transforming humans into other forms, like animals and objects. All someone has to do is shout out the name of the thing he want to change into, press the red button on the machine and then poof, he'll transform.

So one day, when the warden opened the cell to let the prisoners out for lunch, soldier A made a dash for it. He managed to dodge the shots the Nazi soldiers were firing at him, shouted "Bird!" and hit the red button. Poof, he transformed into a bird and flew out of the prison.

The next day, same time during lunch, soldier B followed the same plan, ran, barely managed to dodge the bullets, shouted "Fish!" and hit the red button. Poof, he transformed into a fish and swam away in the longkang below.

The next day, soldier C was all ready to execute the escape plan. Unknown to him, the Nazi soldiers added extra security and guns after the escape of two prisoners. Cell door opened, soldier C made a dash for it. He still managed to dodge most of the bullets but when he was about to reach the red button, a bullet hit him in the leg.

Struck by the sudden pain, soldier C shouted "Chee Bye!!!" and he hit the red button...

POOF

petitfeet · #**4004** 16-07-2011, 09:33 PM

Many thanks for the sharing all the wonderful jokes.

AngelEye · #**4005** 17-07-2011, 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NihonDaisuki

3 singaporean soldiers were caught by the german nazis and held in captivity. They were tortured everyday for info and knew they wouldn't survive long. Therefore, they decided to escape.

Not far infront of their cell is a machine invented by the Nazi mad scientist. It is capable of transforming humans into other forms, like animals and objects. All someone has to do is shout out the name of the thing he want to change into, press the red button on the machine and then poof, he'll transform.

So one day, when the warden opened the cell to let the prisoners out for lunch, soldier A made a dash for it. He managed to dodge the shots the Nazi soldiers were firing at him, shouted "Bird!" and hit the red button. Poof, he transformed into a bird and flew out of the prison.

The next day, same time during lunch, soldier B followed the same plan, ran, barely managed to dodge the bullets, shouted "Fish!" and hit the red button. Poof, he transformed into a fish and swam away in the longkang below.

The next day, soldier C was all ready to execute the escape plan. Unknown to him, the Nazi soldiers added extra security and guns after the escape of two prisoners. Cell door opened, soldier C made a dash for it. He still managed to dodge most of the bullets but when he was about to reach the red button, a bullet hit him in the leg.

Struck by the sudden pain, soldier C shouted "Chee Bye!!!" and he hit the red button...

POOF

lol... classic...