Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Cum_Luver]

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him.
He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it.
He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.
That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies.
They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.
At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother,"OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?" Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, "The one in the middle."
The young man is astounded. "How in the world did you figure it out?" "Easy," she says. "I don't like her."

[Cum_Luver]

A Kenyan lawyer works in US and decides to write to his wife in Kenya.

Dear Shiro Darling, I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart.
Your loving husband, Njamba.

His wife replied: My dear Njamba, Thanks for the 100 kisses, Below is the list of expenses I paid with the kisses 1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk. 2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses. 3. Your landlord Kamau comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent. 4. Supermarket owner Mathai did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand.. 5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses. Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance. Shall I plan the same for the next month?
Your Sweet Heart, Shiro

[Cum_Luver]

There was a really stupid naughty boy, however he always did his homework.
One day he got a zero in his test. So, his teacher told him to learn three words. He went home and asked his sister, but his sister was talking on the phone and told him to shut up, so he decided that "shut up" was his fist word. Then he walked around the TV wondering what his next word should be, he heard word "Superman", so he decided that Superman was his second word, then they went out for dinner and the boy wondered what his last word should be. His dad said to his mum, "The restaurant’s closed, don't worry, we'll go tomorrow darling." So he decided that "We'll go tomorrow darling" would be his last word, although it was a sentence, but he didn’t know that. The next day he went back to school and the teacher asked him what his words were so he said, "Shut up". The teacher said angrily, "Who do you think you are?" The Boy said, "Superman". Then the teacher said, "Go to the head teacher’s office". And the boy said, "We’ll go tomorrow darling".

[Babylon5]

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside.

There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35." He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35."

He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

[Babylon5]

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

[Babylon5]

a trip to confession

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A guy goes into a church confessional booth and says: "Forgive me Father for i have sinned. last nighnt i slept with 3 different women last night."

the priest then says "Go home, squeeze 5 lemons in a glass and drink it as fast as you can."

"and i will be forgiven?" asks the man

"No" the priest says. "but it will wipe that smirk off your face."

[Babylon5]

The Beautiful Girl at Customs

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A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."

[Babylon5]

Lifes 12 rules

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Rule 1: Life is not fair, get used to it.

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will not make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure or belong to a union with a death grip on your parents property.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger-flipping, they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you screw up, it's not your parents' fault so don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills. cleaning your room, and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. So before you save the rain forest from the bloodsucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades, they'll give you,as many times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Rule 12: Living fast and dying young is romantic-only until you see one of your peers at room temperature.

[seesaw]

A man is very ashamed of his pecker because of the size.

He has an extremely small pecker and doesn't want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the size.

One night when he and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner he decides he will show her.

The man unzips his pants, whips out his small pecker, and shoves it into her hand.

He sits there impatiently waiting to see her reaction.

His girlfriend says, "Thanks, but I don't smoke."

[seesaw]

A woman was doing the laundry in the apartment building's basement. She had just finished washing and drying one load and was getting ready to start another load when she decided to wash the nightgown she was wearing.

She took it off and placed it in the washer. Now she is naked and preparing to take the freshly cleaned clothes upstairs when she noticed her son's football helmet lying on the shelf. She grabbed the helmet, placed it on her head, picked up the clean clothes, and turned around.

There stood the Maintenance man who quickly said, "I don't know which team you are playing for ma'am but I sure hope you win.

[ziiron]

No PORK!!No PORK!!No PORK!!No PORK!!No PORK!!
DAMN FUNNY!!LOL

[ziiron]

[ziiron]

Char Siew Pao and Mee Kia

Char Siew Pao and Mee Kia got involved in an argument.
Char Siew Pao got very angry and shouted at Mee Kia, "I'm going to find my gang to hantam you!"

So Char Siew Pao went to round up Leng Yong Pau and Tau Sar Pow.

Just then, Maggi Mee walked round the corner. Immediately, the Paos started to beat him up.

As Char Siew Pao was punching Maggi Mee, he shouted,
"Don't think just because you perm your hair, we can't recognise you, okay!"

[ziiron]

Miss Singapore

There is this miss universe contest.....and the 3 finalists are miss american, miss australia, and miss singapore. 


Now....the judges are asking 3 questions to the finalists.. 



1st question is: "name me an electrical appliance starting with the letter "L"...
miss american is as confident as ever, and replies straight away:"..lamp...". 
the judges say good....
miss australia replies:"......light bulb...." the judges say good.....
miss singapore is not too sure......she finally says:".....ladio...." 
then the judges say:"....sorry, radio doesn't start with letter "L"....." 



Now the 2nd question is:".....name me an animal starting with the letter "L" 

miss american says confidently:"....lion...." 
the judges say good.....
miss australia says:"......leopard....." 
the judges say good....
miss singapore isn't too sure again.... she says:"...labbit..." 
the judges say:"...sorry, rabbit doesn't start with the letter "L".....and if you get the next question wrong, I'm afraid you are out of the contest...." 



3rd and last question......:"name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"....."
miss american says:"....lime...." 
the judges say well done.....
miss australia says:.....lemon...." 
the judges say well done....
miss singapore knows the answer for once.....she is very confident that she would make it to the next round...... 

she says:".........LIEW LIAN..........."

[ziiron]

Why is making love so enjoyable ?

Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ?
PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjolable becaws, same like when you dig your
nose with your finger mah !
Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ?
PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose
feel better than your finger, right ?
Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?
PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over
and dig your nose, you like or not ? Ehhh ? Don’t pray pray ah !
Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her
menses?
PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow
ah ! Use your blain, use your blainnn ……….
Aloy : Why is it most men don’t like wearing condoms when they are
making love ?
PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a
glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah.
Corlight or not?
Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?
PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn …………………… you
go and dig your nose in flont of your whole class izit ?? Stupid
lah!!