Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[2thousand8]

Strange drinking customs

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he returns to the bar and orders three more pints.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it... It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that.

The Irishman soon becomes a regular in the bar, always ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.

One day, though, the Irishman approaches the bartender and orders only two pints. All the other regulars notice this and fall silent.

When the Irishman returns to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[2thousand8]

Careful what you wish for

Two guys were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

After floating under a blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and water. On the tenth day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp. They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.

Out popped a tired old genie who said, "Okay, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now guys, and, quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get one wish and then I'm outta here... so make it a good one."

The first guy blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"

"Fine," said the genie, and the entire ocean to beer was instantly turned into beer.

"Great move, Einstein," said the second guy, slapping the first guy on the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat."

[2thousand8]

More natural selection

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo and, when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills off brain cells. Naturally, the alcohol attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. As a result, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

[bakylotus]

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU
ABOUT GETTING MARRIED


Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
'You're next'.

They stopped after I started doing the same
thing to them at funerals.

[Roman city]

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[Roman city]

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

[Roman city]

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive

[Lion_Barbell]

This thread is my favourite.

[seesaw]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

[seesaw]

The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra,but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription.

Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.

When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words.

That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed.

He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. *Three times!* He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.

"What's wrong, dear?" he asks

"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages,and then three come all at once!"

[seesaw]

Bob goes on a blind date with this Canadian chick named Cindy. Later, after dinner and a movie, Cindy invites Bob up to her apartment to fool around.

She reclines on the couch, spreads her legs and says, "Stick a finger in me."

Bob obliges. Then Cindy says, "Stick in the other three."

Once again, Bob obliges. Then Cindy says, "Just go ahead and shove your whole hand in there."

So Bob eases his hand into Cindy, who then says,"Now shove in your other hand."

Bob does so, and Cindy says, "Now CLAP!"

Bob tries, but nothing doing. "I can't!" he says.

Cindy looks at him with a smile and says, "Pretty tight, eh?"

[seesaw]

Sexy and She Cooks!

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near J.C. Penney and he was sobbing his eyes out.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground brewed coffee."

I asked, "Well, then why are you crying?"

He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."

I asked again, "Well so why are you crying?"

He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."

I asked yet again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

He sobbed, "I can't remember where I live!"

[Playman]

AssHole
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.

[Playman]

Women Vs Men IQ

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the
woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will
grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I
failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you
wish for, your husband will get times ten."

The woman said, "That's okay." and for her first wish, she wanted
to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women
will flock to. "
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most
beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM! she's the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the
world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world and he will be ten times richer than you ".
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and
what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM! she's the richest woman in the world.

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good.

Attention Male readers ONLY : Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're
really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to
show that you women never listen!

[Playman]

Chinese Doctor vs American Doctor

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having see anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you.

You've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of here.
We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says:
"Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc". The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The
doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.

Vely lare diease". The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do?

My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?" The Chinesedoctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican doctor, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no
worry!

Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money