Cheating Spouse - To forgive or not?

[dion8et]

Originally Posted by JieJieJiaoWo

so fierce, but i think you are right.

if he is easily forgiven, he will think that he will be easily forgiven again the next time his sperm rush to his brain. of course it wont be a one time thing. as many male has said, every day eat chicken someday also want to eat pork.

if you love him so much, the best you can do to help him keep eating chicken everyday is to cook the chicken in different ways. of course it isnt fair to push the responsibility of making the chicken onto you alone. discuss how you guys like the chicken and experiment with different ways of making the chicken will help spice up your meals.

another way is to do pot luck with other couples.

chinese got a saying 一次不忠，百次不容, the first time, will decide their next hundred times.

a question to think about, if you were the one who cheated, will he forgive you?

when I thrashed out with him, he did said if tables turned around and I am the one, he will not hesitate to divorce right away without any ding dong, given his characters.

[dion8et]

Originally Posted by MoeLanYong

A fling is a one night stand. Or maybe hot sex for 2 weeks. Just bodily lust and no emotions. But when he has slept with her for 1 year, he grew a relationship. There is love. The same way he loves you. He makes plans for her, including worrying for her suicide (I do read details). Hence I am not surprised he planned to set up a biz for her. He is hiding under the definition of a "fling". It is no longer one.

I can understand you are depressed. I do not accept you should suffer in silence. You are not competing on the same ground as sis Jessie suggested. You are his legally wedded wife. You have legal rights to protect yourself, your child and your family. His affair is not your fault. His explanation you neglected him over your pregnancy is an excuse. You mean to say every woman that births a child should be cheated upon just bec they were not in the mood to pleasure their husbands??

Come on. Don't be silly.

Read the threads here. Most men will tell you he is likely to re-offend. We know. Bec we are guys ourselves.

Forgive, yes. Make him pay a heavy price for his mistake. Else there is no learning. And then work on reconciling both your issues. Anything less becomes your fault for misjudging the situation.

One more thing. We guys. We want the ones that got away. Not treasure the ones we have. I know, its kinda sad. So "making yourself difficult" is not pushing him away. On the contrary, it will pique his interest. In you. Its a male conquest thingy.

bro I think your words hit on every nerve, though I felt broken after reading but I truthfully appreciate it.

I decided to give him the ultimatum to text him that I cant get over his deeds and i like to call it all off. he replied me in surprise that he thought we are slowing doing on fine? and i told him i had a gd thinking and i cannot forgive the hurt he has caused me and to the family, and i decided to move on without him. he pleaded for another chance and this time, he asks if i can please give him another chance for the sake of our baby, so that got me stuck and thinking, whether if i ever mean a lot to him to salvage this marriage or its just about his baby and the 'whole' family eventually? i hope i am not 钻牛角尖 in this convo exchange with him but i am really broken and scared. And i dk how to respond to this yet.

[Stereo]

Agree with MoeLanYong. Hum tum him jia lat jia lat! Hehe

[MoeLanYong]

I am sorry you are in pain. Be brave sis. For your child. You are doing fine. See, he came crawling back. He is just using the baby as a reason to persuade you. It is a good thing.

Go talk to him about your fears. Talk to him about the thoughts that haunt you. The visions of him and that slut together.

Reconcile. This is a pull.

Few days later, do a push. Go "cranky" again. He needs to see you hurt. He needs to see how much he has hurt you. See you pushed to the point of insanity. For him to realize what he has done.

(Sis, women are born jealous creatures. I do not know how you are still so calm to type here. You got to let it all out. At him. And when with him.)

Continue your push and pull cycles. Rem to include the lawyer part at some point (jmho).

Push and pull for how long? Only you will know. Months? Years? Take your time to heal.

Believe in yourself. Look to your child for inspiration.

[dion8et]

Calmness has always been my trait and i guess now it’s not doing me any gd in this scenario. I guess my character have slowly toughen over the years which I guess is not what he desire for me to be; he prefers a gentle and soft lady.

I’ll heed the advices here to be strong for myself n my kid, really thankful to all the Bros and sis here.

[Jessie]

Up to you. 1st and foremost, any kind of relationship is an emotional bank. If you are still loving him, then making yourself more difficult will drain his emotional bank and he will say to hell with these nonsense as he gets more negative feelings accumulated over time.
A divorce is a financial punishment to a man, he is afraid of losing what he had gained. However it means the children will be from a broken family in a social context, emotionally the children suffer.

BTW, I am a guy speaking from experience. He still loves you but the choice of using soft power or hard power is entirely up to you. It is just a choice. A woman who uses soft power are more clever than a hard woman.

I am not saying you should not have drama but knowing the limit and when to stop is important.

[cuntjigger]

Arrrh..ya hubby is a lost sheep in the forest of emotions! Ditch him if u wan n raise ya kid by yaself! True hot blooded Man doesnt succumb to all these temptations...i hve seen quite a handful! Moreover, they are big earners in their careers..simply respectful!

[qwerty55]

Originally Posted by Jessie

Up to you. 1st and foremost, any kind of relationship is an emotional bank. If you are still loving him, then making yourself more difficult will drain his emotional bank and he will say to hell with these nonsense as he gets more negative feelings accumulated over time.
A divorce is a financial punishment to a man, he is afraid of losing what he had gained. However it means the children will be from a broken family in a social context, emotionally the children suffer.

BTW, I am a guy speaking from experience. He still loves you but the choice of using soft power or hard power is entirely up to you. It is just a choice. A woman who uses soft power are more clever than a hard woman.

I am not saying you should not have drama but knowing the limit and when to stop is important.

I agree with Jessie, sometimes too much mindgame can drawn negative emotions into the relationship.

Everyone have a different limit on this, so grasping the right amount of it can make him value you for forgiving him, but overdoing it might damage the relationship in the long run

[ben2011]

Originally Posted by dion8et

when I thrashed out with him, he did said if tables turned around and I am the one, he will not hesitate to divorce right away without any ding dong, given his characters.

If possible, give him 1 more chance and give yourself 1 more chance?
I know it is not easy.... divorce is going to hurt not only u and him, but ur both family, and the baby too. Sadly.

Its easy to say divorce, but don't decide so soon. Think n think n think again.
We all make mistakes, its really not easy, I've gone through tis and was very tough and heart broken.
No matter whose fault, I believe is not easy for both of u, after all, its so many years of marriage.

However, most importantly collect all the evidences as u might need it in the future

Wish u all the best!

[Stimsia]

To prove his remorse get him to credit all salary into your bank account and draw daily allowance from you
The one who hold the purse string is the boss

[devilborne87]

Originally Posted by Stimsia

To prove his remorse get him to credit all salary into your bank account and draw daily allowance from you
The one who hold the purse string is the boss

Strongly agree....a man without money is a man without penis....cannot go around to play......hahah

[labbityeo]

Give curfew and control the allowance

[YELLOW]

knowing when to stop is important ....

Originally Posted by Jessie

Up to you. 1st and foremost, any kind of relationship is an emotional bank. If you are still loving him, then making yourself more difficult will drain his emotional bank and he will say to hell with these nonsense as he gets more negative feelings accumulated over time.
A divorce is a financial punishment to a man, he is afraid of losing what he had gained. However it means the children will be from a broken family in a social context, emotionally the children suffer.

BTW, I am a guy speaking from experience. He still loves you but the choice of using soft power or hard power is entirely up to you. It is just a choice. A woman who uses soft power are more clever than a hard woman.

I am not saying you should not have drama but knowing the limit and when to stop is important.

[demonhunter]

Originally Posted by dion8et

if I catch him one more time, out he goes and my wings shall soar LOL.

Waiting on ya !

[shuaiige521]

hi sis,
i think you shouldn't 'punish' him but show him how devastated you are, if he sees you in such pain the woman who loved him for more than 10 years, i'm sure he would be shattered, true repentance comes from love not from pain. That being said i know you have already made walls and barriers from him and trust is easily lost. Love is hard to find so treasure it, i think its worth the risk of him cheating, in the event if he does, leave him 爱情是不能勉强的 in the event he does not, your love for each other will be stronger than ever which many people are envious and looking for love like that
Just my 2c. Regardless, take care and stay strong sis!