MIA FARANG (Foreigner's Wife)

[cyrus]

Hey Bros,

Sorry to side track .. I'm planning to bring my tirak not WL leaw in BKK to Austria (weekend drive to venice, Italy) for my business trip ... for 3 weeks. Any recommendation of tour agent in BKK tam visa ... tau rai?

Coz fly her to SG then fly together is cheaper ... via ThaiAir.

On her and her family, her family doesn't seems to object me seeing her .. in fact her friends and neighbours all knows about us and I'm from Sillypore and 34 yo.. 11 years older than her ... but I looked about her age ... and she didn't like the typical thai puchai.

[free]

Thaivisitor,

Guess my situation is in between yours and the normal style of falling in love. Maybe better to describe it as SDU-style. My friend's Thai wife (also her friend) asked me after my breakup with my ex-tirak (now she's only my nong saao) if I am interested to meeting Rain again. I asked myself what's the harm, since I have always liked her and had wanted to get to know her seriously 1.5 years ago anyway.

Now that I was told she has a kid, it didn't turn me off cos I wanted someone more matured this time. She was okay as well, cos she too had good memories of our past friendship, but was rather skeptical I would accept her motherhood status, until we met (with her 2 best frds - with my permission). It was kind of interesting we still reacognised each other from afar after so long. Her frds could see that I am very much a family-oriented man (like she is also family-oriented), and they think she should give it a go. At the end of the day, we agree to date seriously with the objective of getting married if we like each other enough and fall in love.

Initial fears on her part were issues like,

• Am I interested in her just to meet my physical needs or am I really the loving/caring person I was introducred to her as?
• Am I on a rebound from my ex-relationship?
• Will I crumble if my ex wants to come back?
• Can I really accept her status as a divorcee with 4 year old kid and love him?
• etc

On my part, I was concerned

• Is she really a good woman as introduced to me or just out to con me?
• What about her parents? Are they gold diggers like many others Ii have heard about?
• Will the son like me?
• Will I like the son enough to love him as my own?
• etc

At one point, her 2 friends were so worried that I would give up on her cos she took a while to let go of her bad memories of her past marriage and was afraid to love again. I told them that "faint heart never won fair lady" and I will hang on. I was rewarded for my patience and tenacity, as I saw how her love for me finally germinated, grew and blossomed.

After almost half a year of serious dating later, we had gone thru enough together to decide that we will take the plunge and commit to each other. There has been enough assurances on both ends to know that we love each other, only have and want each other, to the exclusion of all others. And on top of that, we were meeting a lot of our mutual needs, both emotional and practical.

To me, I think love can be developed if you like the person enough. I know of people who fall in love, married, but they just cannot stand each others habit, etc. They don't like the "person" and soon their world falls apart.

This is exactly what happened to us.We simply started dating, knowing that we like each other (and have always like each other since we met the 1st time 1.5 years ago). The liking grew into love over time, with me "falling in love" 1st I realised she is the woman I have been looking for, and she too took the plunge a little later, as she too came to the conclusion that I am the man for her (& her son's) life. We have learnt to talk to each other over issues as friends instead of having lovers' fights. We believe we can carry on the r/s to fruition.

[Darkstorm]

Originally Posted by free

Thaivisitor,

Guess my situation is in between yours and the normal style of falling in love. Maybe better to describe it as SDU-style. My friend's Thai wife (also her friend) asked me after my breakup with my ex-tirak (now she's only my nong saao) if I am interested to meeting Rain again. I asked myself what's the harm, since I have always liked her and had wanted to get to know her seriously 1.5 years ago anyway.


This is exactly what happened to us.We simply started dating, knowing that we like each other (and have always like each other since we met the 1st time 1.5 years ago). The liking grew into love over time, with me "falling in love" 1st I realised she is the woman I have been looking for, and she too took the plunge a little later, as she too came to the conclusion that I am the man for her (& her son's) life. We have learnt to talk to each other over issues as friends instead of having lovers' fights. We believe we can carry on the r/s to fruition.

I wish you all the best.

[free]

Originally Posted by thaivisitor

Good for you bro,

Communication is a very important aspect in a relationship. According to my experiences (this, by the way, is my 3rd marraige), and the books, articles, etc that I've read, many marriages and relationships broke down because of the lack of "quality" communication, not just lack of communication, like as you say, lovers fight, etc.

Having communication is important. An hour of going thru what happen to each of you everyday, discussing together the options to children's schooling and ECAs, planning together what to do during the weekends, etc, etc is very healthy. Things like that lah, you know.

I am fortunate that we have another thing going for us - our little boy. Just 3 nights ago, my tirak told me "Khor Tot" when I called her at her mum's place. I was puzzled and asked why. She said she was sorry she was irritated with me the night before coz it was that time of the month. I reminded her that she had already apologized in the morning and I had forgotten about it. She said, "No, what I really want to tell you was that I was telling my mum how bad I felt to be rude to u when our little one heard us talking. He got angry (mor hor is the word used here) with me for being upset with you! And he has refused to talk to me for the last half hour. He is really showing me how much he loves you and he misses you. Thanks for being so wonderful and giving him the fatherly love he never had. He sees you as his father now. Chan gor ruk kun maak gwaa liao.(I also love you more already)". Just as she said she wanted to - love me more each day.

Anyway called him to the phone and told him he should foregive Meh cos I've already done that. And that I love him and miss him too. He apparently went to hug and kiss her after that. He is very obedient and yet super intelligent,and one can reason with him - not bad at all for a 4+ year old.

My next morning started with a call from her to wake me up, just to say "Kit Teung Nah" - something she has never done

So the one who could have been the obstacle and kill off this r/s even before it could start is now the one who is the glue that bonds us together in times of stress. What a powerful secret weapon he is.

[MrDevil]

I believe both bro thaivisitor and bro free serve as very good example and advisors for other bros who are on the verge or already in the similiar route.

I believe one of the most basic criteria that both of them shares in common is their readiness of committing for a long term relationship with their tirak. Beside being able to accept the other half past and present, financially stable, in the state getting ready to settle down and mature mindset. Without these, how could a girl (be it WL or not, be it local or thai) can commit her lifetime happiness and faith totally?

But then again, some of the bros who are still at early twenties who have yet to build his own foundation will find his journey full of obstales, no matter how true is their love to each other. Love alone will never enough to susbtain a long term relationship.

[MrDevil]

Originally Posted by thaivisitor

Good for you bro,

Communication is a very important aspect in a relationship. According to my experiences (this, by the way, is my 3rd marraige), and the books, articles, etc that I've read, many marriages and relationships broke down because of the lack of "quality" communication, not just lack of communication, like as you say, lovers fight, etc.

Having communication is important. An hour of going thru what happen to each of you everyday, discussing together the options to children's schooling and ECAs, planning together what to do during the weekends, etc, etc is very healthy. Things like that lah, you know.

True, communication is even more important when both are separated by thousands of km. Otherwise, there will just too many in between gaps and both will not feel that they actually sharing each other life.

But then, not everyone has the luxury of relocating to live with their tirak, though many would probably wish to. Perhaps, with your years of experience in Thailand, some advise on the issue of relocating, business or employment opp, culture and language barriers will be valuable for bros here planning along that line.

I guess this forum has been clouded negatively for too long about tirak relationship which I believe we should share a more balance view for each bro to review and judge their own situation uniquely.

[keet]

i got married one yr after ROD, and went thru quite a number of obstacles and it's been 11yrs now with 3 kids. and was lucky enough to be posted to BKK for abt 5yrs.

i would say cultural barrier is no.1 on the list and language 2nd.
the rest... it's the same as with any relationship, be it WL or not.
also depends on one's maturity and sense of responsibility if u really really want to take this route on marrying any foreigner.

alot of failed relationship being discussed in this forum if u observed are mostly "long-distance" that i feel personally are those type of cheongster relationship and of cos there are those i have seen locally here that have broke up as well.

chok dee krup.

[keet]

same goes for me, i couldnt speak Thai and she also from village and being very young at that time it was those 2 barriers that i faced most of the time and we still have communications breakdown sometimes even now!
actually come to think of it sometimes it's better in a r/s that you have these barriers.

the long distance i was referring were those in in the midst of the r/s and for yours already married at that time u were away i belief. i was also seperated for abt 2yrs when my kids and wife moved back to sg cos wanted my kids to go thru kindergarten here instead, and only came back once during those 2 yrs i was alone there.

yes if there's a will there's a way, and i am glad i had "tahan" and gone thru it.

[free]

Originally Posted by keet

i got married one yr after ROD, and went thru quite a number of obstacles and it's been 11yrs now with 3 kids. and was lucky enough to be posted to BKK for abt 5yrs.

i would say cultural barrier is no.1 on the list and language 2nd.
the rest... it's the same as with any relationship, be it WL or not.
also depends on one's maturity and sense of responsibility if u really really want to take this route on marrying any foreigner.

alot of failed relationship being discussed in this forum if u observed are mostly "long-distance" that i feel personally are those type of cheongster relationship and of cos there are those i have seen locally here that have broke up as well.

chok dee krup.

Cool. That's where I hope to walk to and further. Cultural differences challenge us to rise above ourselves to find out about the other, though I must confess that I probably made more effort to fit in, as I am the one who goes up, not the other way. But it also offers us an opportunity to open our minds to see the other world thru the eyes of our faen. Language barrier is less of a problem due to my personal interest in the Thai lang, the need to speak to our little boy and the desire to build a career there made sure I sustain my efforts to learn to speak, read and write this beautiful language that I have grown to love. For her it is harder, but the talking dict has been a useful aid (tho not as useful as my PDA ThaiDict)

It is my unreserved opinion that for a relationship to work, it cannot be Long Distance in nature in the long term. My LDTR status is but a temporary phase as we get to know each other, made the decision to commit and walk together till the day where our commitment is fulfilledat the altar. Hopefuly even before that day, we will be by each other side, where ever we chose to call "HOME" and definitely after that, living life as husband/wife/parents together.

Like I told my bosses in the past, to keep one's job, one must be prepared to lose it. Similarly to build a r/s that can last, one must not be afraid that it may not work out, nor be afraid that one may get cheated, etc. Precaution is wise, if not carried to the extreme, but distrust is a crippling prophecy to a doomed r/s. As I took the initiative to expose myself jing jing and be vulnerable to her, I see my tirak also doing the same. Transparency and trust are musts.

In my case (and I am sure in many more successful cases before me), we realise that love by itself cannot sustain a r/s. In fact I believe we did it differently from most r/s discussed in SB forum. We started by being transparent, learnt to trust, and in time, the love develops in a way I have never known before. It is not a wild, wanton, passionate (aka lustful) kind of erotic love, but one that builds upon itself, where gentle peace and steadfastness prevails. And the knowledge that both are committed to do one's best to make it work. A beautiful & matured sort of love (gosh I think I sound old). I dun know how else to describe it, but I really dig it. And for communication - yes I would say we have consistent if not constant communication by phone (be it land line or mobile). We call each other often (6-10 calls a day and growing). When she calls, she made it a point to talk (at least 1 minute, often more), not put down the phone immediately for me to call back. "Wasting money?" one may ask. But to her, talking to me is better than yakking with frds not so impt to her, and she still controls her hp budget very tightly.
But we dun need to talk for long. Often just hearing each other's voice and knowing the other is OK, is good enough.

[keet]

maybe some would think i was too young or immature at age of 23 to get married! as it has always been my intention to get married ... young.
I didnt have the "phases" BUT only the "Just Do It" thing(within 6mths) and worry about the rest as i go along, learning Thai, having kids, and career all at once!

[free]

Originally Posted by keet

maybe some would think i was too young or immature at age of 23 to get married! as it has always been my intention to get married ... young.
I didnt have the "phases" BUT only the "Just Do It" thing(within 6mths) and worry about the rest as i go along, learning Thai, having kids, and career all at once!

That's doing it like Nike ! Actually I broke it up in phases for the benefit of some bros who wanted to know how I know how far along a relationship I (or they) am in. In reality, it is one continuous spectrum. It is possible however to identify certain milestones, especially the critical ones like:

• The day both parties starting dating cos for whatever reasons, they think maybe there can be something more to their friendship (may not be in love yet)
• Both decide (decision got to be mutually) that they like/love each other enough to work towards marriage
• The actual day of the marriage

I want to emphasize that it is not 3 separate journeys but ONE continuous spectrum. The 3 phases only serve as reference points for me to understand how far we have come. I dun think my tirak even see any "phases". It's how she feels about the whole thing that matters .

[siamcutey]

Experiences are meant to be shared after it has been experienced.

Those that fail belong to the category where they talk too much, think too much scenarios (which never happen), thinking of ways and means to justify actions.

Talk is cheap.


SC

[Mercenary19]

Originally Posted by free

And for communication - yes I would say we have consistent if not constant communication by phone (be it land line or mobile). We call each other often (6-10 calls a day and growing). When she calls, she made it a point to talk (at least 1 minute, often more), not put down the phone immediately for me to call back. "Wasting money?" one may ask. But to her, talking to me is better than yakking with frds not so impt to her, and she still controls her hp budget very tightly.
But we dun need to talk for long. Often just hearing each other's voice and knowing the other is OK, is good enough.

Wow! Those phone bills must be very high, considering long distance call.

[free]

Originally Posted by Mercenary19

Wow! Those phone bills must be very high, considering long distance call.

For now, both set of bills comes up to S$400~$450+.

I used Singtel Hello Card. Buy S$100 from POSB ATM & get S$15 free. 25 cents per minute to mobile phone in Thailand (free local call if from land line cos 1800 number). 1516 as 1st line backup. IDD as final backup. Normally try to call her at Condo phone, cos cheaper. But sometimes line is bad (condo phone system not good) so gotta call again to hp. As far as I know, one can also purchase $10 Hello card from shops in GL for S$8. Sounds a bit cheaper, but $10 Cards get used up fast - too much hassle for me. BTW, someone recommended me Di Yi Jia card - cheaper so will explore. Tried in the past, but bad connection to ChiangRai. Maybe BKK (& just outside) is OK.

Sounds strange hp better than condo land line (must be old system), but its true. Dial up to Internet (Pacific Internet Extreme at 99 baht unlimited access for 5 days) gives me only 20kps in condo (can;t even read email properly, let alone do my work) while I get 50+kps if I go to her mum's place to dialup- about 10-20 mins away by taxi. That's why I spend a fair bit of time at her mum's place. And they like the idea of seeing me working anyway. I negotiated with my company to be able to work remote when I can, so leave+weekends+remote work days = quite a lot of time spent with her

Whether my experiences are true or pretend, I have no need to prove anything. Those who have met me. or my tirak or even my ex will know that. Up to bros to believe, I just want to present a balanced view, even if they are different.

[MrDevil]

Originally Posted by free

For now, both set of bills comes up to S$400~$450+.

I used Singtel Hello Card. Buy S$100 from POSB ATM & get S$15 free. 25 cents per minute to mobile phone in Thailand (free local call if from land line cos 1800 number). 1516 as 1st line backup. IDD as final backup. Normally try to call her at Condo phone, cos cheaper. But sometimes line is bad (condo phone system not good) so gotta call again to hp. As far as I know, one can also purchase $10 Hello card from shops in GL for S$8. Sounds a bit cheaper, but $10 Cards get used up fast - too much hassle for me. BTW, someone recommended me Di Yi Jia card - cheaper so will explore. Tried in the past, but bad connection to ChiangRai. Maybe BKK (& just outside) is OK.

Sounds strange hp better than condo land line (must be old system), but its true. Dial up to Internet (Pacific Internet Extreme at 99 baht unlimited access for 5 days) gives me only 20kps in condo (can;t even read email properly, let alone do my work) while I get 50+kps if I go to her mum's place to dialup- about 10-20 mins away by taxi. That's why I spend a fair bit of time at her mum's place. And they like the idea of seeing me working anyway. I negotiated with my company to be able to work remote when I can, so leave+weekends+remote work days = quite a lot of time spent with her

Whether my experiences are true or pretend, I have no need to prove anything. Those who have met me. or my tirak or even my ex will know that. Up to bros to believe, I just want to present a balanced view, even if they are different.

bro free, not sure if you have explored if there are any IDD card that offer call back service where you could call oversea via their call back. This should save you on your mobile bill, especially if you are using your mobile to call most of the time. It will be even cheaper if you setup a Net-Telephony on your tirak home. You can buy it from Sim Lim for about $200 for a pair where if both pair calling is totally free of charge. You dont need it to work with a pc, just connect the unit with the phone and line. To call mobile, there is a small charge, close to net-phone charge. Forgotten the name of the shop, it should be at 3rd storey where the shop display lots of net-telephony equipments. Will share with you the full info when I got back to Spore in 2 weeks time. I think this is worth all the savings on the phone bill. This way, both of you could talk non-stop. hehehehee

I must applaud you and other bros for spending so much time and sharing so much valuable experiences, thoughts and info to have a balance view in tirak and long distance relationship. It's pointless for one to instill only negative perspective and generalise everyone within the same category, it's not going to wake anyone up as every situation is unique. Perhaps by sharing more factual info and experiences can help those in need to serve as a reference on how they could strengthen their position and walk smoother in their journey. Well afterall, none is earning anything for spending their time to share.