Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Evil33]

Every time this couple made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years and a couple of kids the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down, and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device...a vibrator! It was soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[Evil33]

Two women walking home after a heavy night on the booze, needed to pee, so they ducked into a graveyard. They had no toilet paper so, one woman used her knickers and threw them away the other used a ribbon from a wreath. The next day their husbands were talking "we'd better keep an eye on our wives one said, mine came home without her knickers" "you think that is bad" said the other "mine came home with a card stuck in her arse, saying, from all the guys at the fire station we'll never forget you"

[Evil33]

A man is having an affair with his secretary and the passions overwhelm them one day shortly before he's due home to have dinner with his wife. He quickly starts getting dress and tells his lover the secretary to go out in the yard with his shoes and rub them all over the lawn. When gets home he finds an angry wife who says," why are you late for dinner", he replies" well honey I am going to be perfectly honest with you, I’m having an affair with my secretary!" she replies "Why you lying no good son of a buck, you've been out golfing again look at your shoes!

[magixskin]

Anything You Want

One summer day a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went golfing.

[magixskin]

Baby powder trick

A married man goes out for a pack of cigarettes one night, and, since the store was closed and the next closest place open was a bar, he decides to go in and have a drink. After a couple of beers, a young blonde sits down beside him. The two start talking, and end up leaving together.

After a long night of sex the man looks at the clock and says, "Oh, my God! My wife is gonna kill me! Quick: Do you have any baby powder?"

"Baby powder?" the woman asks. "Yes, here."

The man spreads the powder all over his hands, and drives home.

When he gets home, his wife asks, "Where have you been?"

He proceeds to tell her about the blonde and the long night of sex.

"You expect me to believe that?" she says. "Let me see your hands."

As he puts out his hands, she says, "You liar! You’ve been out with your friends all night bowling again!"

[magixskin]

Bite Breasts

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

[xterm8]

Two Little Boys

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”
The nine year old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”

Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”
The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”

The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?”
The nine year old says “They’re for my four year old little brother.”

The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother??”

The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”

[Evil33]

A man on a business trip is looking for a little action. So he picked up a Chinese hooker and took her back to his hotel. While having sex she was screaming OMWA OMWA!! He did not speak Chinese so he kept on going he wanted to get his $3.00 worth.

The next day he chilled out and went for a game of golf with this Chinese worker. He took a big swing and hit the golf ball as hard as he could.

The Chinese man said in a sad voice "OMWA" the guy looked at him strangely and asked: "what does that mean?" The Chinese man then said: "you have got it in the wrong hole"

[Evil33]

A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend's birthday
and as they had only started dating, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the
right note: personal, but not too personal. Accompanied by the
girl friend's younger sister, he went to Herrod's and bought a
pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
herself. During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items
mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got
the panties. The guy sent the package to the girl friend with
the following note:

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of
wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister,
I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she
wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a
delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair
that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are
hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked
really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the
first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with
them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them
off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they
will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how
many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you
will wear them for me Friday night.

All my love.

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little
fur showing.

[Evil33]

There was this couple who had been married for 50
years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one
morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just
think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here
naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we
get naked?"

Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat
down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly,
"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty
years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your
coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

[A Simple Man]

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands". The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

[A Simple Man]

An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about the happiness of life.

"To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night Football," the American said.

"You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Spending a lovely evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of life."

"You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese said, "then you two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this. You are sleeping soundly at night in Saigon. Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front door. You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'. Awaked with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret policemen ready to handcuff you. One man say to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are being sent to the re-educational camp for an undetermined period of time. Sweating profusely and shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh lives next door.' That moment is the ultimate happiness of life, my friends."

[Evil33]

One day a little boy sees his mother stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks, "Mommy, what's that?" "That's my mop", she replies. The little boy then asks, "Where is the handle?" The mother replies, "Oh, Dad is going to put it on tonight."

[Evil33]

Shortly after Mr. Johnson died, his wife got a phone call from the mortuary. The mortician told her that he had a problem closing Mr. Johnson's casket because he died with a hard-on. Mrs. Johnson said she'd be right down and take care of it.

When she arrived, she took out a knife from her purse and cut off Mr. Johnson's penis. As she was leaving with the penis, the mortician asked what she was going to do with it. She said come with me I'll show you.
When she got home she took a frying pan and some butter and began to sauté the penis. Shocked beyond belief the Mortician asked her why she was cooking the penis. She said "I've eaten this raw for 30 years, I want to see what it tastes like cooked!!"

[A Simple Man]

A Vietnamese couple who has been married for twenty years went to the wedding reception of a close comrade's daughter. During the ring exchange ceremony, the husband started to cry profusely.

The wife, surprised by her husband's emotional outburst, said, " I didn't realize that you have so much feeling to share with your comrade's happiness."

The husband replied, "No, you are wrong! That was not why I cried." He continued, "Twenty years ago, your father caught us doing it, and threatened that if I don't marry you, your VC father will put me behind bars for twenty years.

Weeping even louder, the husband said, "If I had just gone to jail, I would've been a free man by now. I made a big mistake. "