Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[beary]

One of two gays who were living together fell in love with the handsome young doctor across the street.

"I'd just love to meet him," said one gay to his roommate, "if you have no objections. But I don't know how to go about it."

"I don't mind, sweets. Have your fling. Just pose as one of his patients."

So the first one went to the doctor's office the next day and said his name was Smith.

"What's your problem, Mr Smith?" the doctor asked.

"Oh, Doctor, I have such a terrible pain in my rectum."

"Let's have a look," said the doctor. "Take off your trousers."

The doctor parted his cheeks and looked up inside with a flashlight.

"Holy smoke!" the doctor exclaimed. "No wonder you have pains. Do you realise that you have one dozen roses up in there?"

"Never mind the roses," the patient said. "Just read the card!"

[beary]

Poor Essex girls ..... the brunt of UK male jokes!

Q: How do you know if an Essex Girl has an orgasm?
A: She drops her bag of chips.

Q: Whats the similarity between an Essex Girl and a dogs turd?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up!

Q: Whats the difference between an Essex Girl and a washing machine?
A: You can dump your load in a washing machine without it following you around for a week.

Q: Why was the Essex Girl so pleased to complete a jigsaw puzzle in 18 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2 to 5 years

Q: Whats the differences between an Essex Girl and a fridge?
A: The fridge doesnt fart when you take you meat out of it.

Q: How do you tell when an Essex Girl is having her period?
A: She is only wearing one sock.

Q: What does the label in an Essex Girls knickers say?
A: NEXT!

[Hosida]

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.

He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I’m celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I’m celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"I’m a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally fertile."

"What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

[Hosida]

Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus.

The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain.

The second lady looks at that and says, "That’s such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?"

"It’s a condom," The first lady replies.

"Well, where can you buy those?" the second lady asks.

"Um... Most people buy them at pharmacies." the first lady replies.

So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter.

"Do you guys sell those condom things?" she asks the pharmacist.

"Why yes we do," the pharmacist says a little confused, "Do you know what size you need?"

So the lady says, "Well it’s got to fit a Camel."

[Hosida]

Bob calls in to his job:
"Hey, boss I’m not coming to work today. I’m really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I’m not coming into work."

The boss says:
"You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Bob calls:
"Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I’ll be at work soon. By the way, you got a nice house."

[bigbirdbird]

In a poor zoo of India, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day. The lion thought its prayers were answered when one US Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to the US Zoo.

The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central Ac environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card also.

On its first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely for breakfast. The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few bananas. Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from India.

The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered.

The lion was so furious, it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at him, 'Don't you know I am the lion... king of the Jungle..., what's wrong with your management, what nonsense is this Why are you delivering bananas to me'

The delivery boy politely said, 'Sir, I know you are the king of the jungle but ..did you know that you have been brought here on a monkey's visa!!!

Moral Better to be a Lion in India than a Monkey elsewhere!!!

[Pankunchi]

An elderly couple lie in bed. The women said: "Remember, when we were dating you used to kiss me on the cheek." So the man rolls over and kisses her cheek. Just about asleep when the woman says: "Remember when you used to nibble on my ear." The man climbs out of bed; and stomp's out of the bedroom. The woman says: "Honey, where are you going." The old man says: "To get my teeth."

[Pankunchi]

A flight attendant is at her post taking tickets. A man wearing nothing but a trench coat walks up to her. The woman asks the man in the trench coat: "Your ticket please". The man flashes the lady buck naked, the flight attendant says without blinking an eye: "Your ticket, not your stub!"

[magixskin]

A couple of women were playing golf one Sunday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"

The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good..... but my thump still hurts like hell!"

[magixskin]

........ little Tommy speaks, "My uncle Sam fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer.

Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 of them with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then, the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."

The teacher looks at little Tommy with shock, and asks if there could possibly be any moral to his story. Little Tommy replies, "Don't mess with uncle Sam when he's been drinking."

[magixskin]

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstanding, the wife proposes a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea ! Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis........fifty times."

[Hosida]

It has been studied and determined that the most often used Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs...
And the wife rolls over and plays dead.

[Hosida]

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He’s fantastic in bed." That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you’re fantastic in bed." That’s Brand Recognition.

[Hosida]

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge, enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, ’Well, how was it?’

The man says, ’You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.

[bigbirdbird]

Your Reading Skills


This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University .

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha you can't resist passing this along.