Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[A Simple Man]

Two whores were talking shop…

“Why is it,” asked Sharon, “that I get as many customers as you, and yet you seem to make a lot more money than me?”

“Well, I’ll let you in on a little trick,” said Tracy. “What I do is, before I go out, I take a rubber band and stick it up my self. Then when I get a bloke back to my flat and he starts doing the business, it goes ping. I tell him he’s just broken my virginity. I usually get an extra $20 for that!”

“I’ll give that a try,” says Sharon.

She does and it works just fine. Unfortunately, one day as she was getting ready, she found that the bag of rubber bands was empty. She searched around, but all she could find was a catapult. She carfully inserted the catapult and set off for work. Having returned with a fella, Sharon spread them and as the bloke got going there was the usual ping.

“You’ve just broken my virginity!” said Sharon.

“Screw that,” said the punter. “My balls have just flown out of the window!”

[A Simple Man]

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The
father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in
the water. He comes running up to his mom and says, “Mommy, I saw
ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!”

The mom says “the bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So he goes
back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says,
“Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy’s!”

Mom says, “the bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So he goes
back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says,
“Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and
the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!”

[A Simple Man]

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic
examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into
the exam room. He instructs her to get up onto the table and place
her feet in the stirrups.

As he is examining her she hears him saying “mmmm… mmmhmmm”. He
completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him
in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he
observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his
non-verbal comments.

“Oh, that” he says.” I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest
vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice.”

The young woman proudly smiled and replied, “Why thank you! I have a
woman come in twice a week and clean it!”

[A Simple Man]

At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand. “What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?” ”Well, I guess you’d just have to use your other hand to write with.”

[A Simple Man]

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled! Curios, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!

[magixskin]

If your boss says: Nothing is impossible, ask him wear condom after sex.

Give an example of complete business failure due to neligence? A pregnant prostitute.

Patient: (to cosmatic surgeon) Will it hurt, doctor? Surgeon: Only when you get my bill.

Why is that 99% of girls have a bigger left breast? Coz 99% of the boys are right handed.

Son to dad, does a heart have leg? Dad, no. Son, don't lie I heard u say, sweet heart spread your leg.

A cat & a rooster sat by a lake, the cat fell in the lake the rooster laughed! Moral: When there's a wet pussy, there's a happy cock!

Define rape with the help of one good example? Rape is a very very difficult job, it's like playing golf with a continuosly moving hole!

Why Gynecologist is the best profession. Where else you can tell a woman to get naked, feel her breast, finger her pussy and let her husband pay for doing it.

[magixskin]

Respone during sex

Mistress: Wow! Darling this is great.

Whore: Come on finish it now.

Girlfriend: Ah! Please slowly.

Wife: Ceiling needs painting!



For Toothpaste Ad they show teeth

For Hair oil they show hair

For Face cream they show face

But for whisper & condom they are not showing anything.....

[Hosida]

Two men sharing a room in the local hospital are scheduled for surgery. Both are having prostrate problems.

The nurse arrives to do her duties as ordered.

The first man gets prep’d, recieves a happy shot and to his delight the nurse reaches below his sheets and grabs ahold of his shaft; as she starts to stroke him gently, the man says "Hey what is this? Not that I mind, I’m just alittle curious? Doc didn’t mention a handjob?"

The nurse instructed him to relax and enjoy. It was normal procedure to make sure there was no sperm present when the procedure was being carried out.

The man did as he was told and shortly there after reached climax and laid back with a smile on his face.

Watching the nurse as she continued on her duties making ready the next patient. First a shave, then a shot and then instead of the reaching under the roomates sheets, she pulled them back and began what appeared to be one hell of a good blowjob...

"Wait just a minute" he protested "why does he get a blowjob? We’re having the same operation"

The nurse, removing the alread rigid cock from her mouth stated "That sir, is the difference between Blue Cross and the HMO"

[Hosida]

A guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They’re getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"

The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands".

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl says: ’Easy ... I didn’t feel a thing."

[Hosida]

A Jewish, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention.

The Jew, bragging about his virility said, "I have four sons, one more and I’ll have a basketball team!"

The Catholic pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That’t s nothing, I have 10 sons, one more and I’ll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellers ain’t got a clue. I have 17 wives, one more and I’ll have a golf course!"

[ah rat]

Matrimony Problems

Why divorce?

· In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge.
· She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
· The judge asked, "How do you know?"
· She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

Love Your Enemy

· From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."
· "Samy! But he is your enemy!"
· "Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

Wedding Ring

· At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
· The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Why?

· "Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.
· "Why, Dad? Tell me why!"
· Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."

Same Service

· A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
· "Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

Talk about Husband

One woman told another: " My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"

Love To Do

· A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
· "I would love to. "Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."

No Answer Back

· A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
· One of his friends asked. "And when you are angry, what do you do?"
· The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

Come Home Late

· A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
· "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
· "Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?"
· The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

Problem Father

· "You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
· He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
· "But that's wonderful," I said.
· "What's so wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.

[Waukee]

My Dog
A guy, a pig, and a dog were the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance!

As they sat there, the pig started looking better and better to the guy. Soon, he leaned over to the pig and put his arm around it.

But, the dog became jealous, growling fiercely until the guy removed his arm from around the pig. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and low and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the guy had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[Waukee]

Dog Wisdom
"If A Dog Were Your Teacher" ... you would learn stuff like.....

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

[Waukee]

HEAVEN KNOWS
A man and his dog were walking along a road.

The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble.

At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" The man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" The traveler asked.

"I'm sorry; sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" He called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there" The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" The traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" The traveler asked.

"This is heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the Gold Street and pearly gates? Nope.

That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

[Waukee]

Talking Dog
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"

Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with!

Why, they have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" His father says.

"How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.

The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" His father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!"

"READ!?" Says his father, "No kidding!

What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

And his father sends the money.

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem.

When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' “The father says,"Damn; I hope you SHOT that lyin' dog!"

"I sure did, Dad!"